FOH Comedy Club: Weekend Funny Comp

[joeypots]

Two little boys are playing in the sand box at the park while their mothers sit on the bench and chat.

One says, "I saw a condom over by the gazebo."

The other replies, "What's a gazebo?"

[rckymtn22]

John decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, John was sitting cross-legged on the floor happily organizing his wineador. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit smoking. Maybe you should sell your cigars and that fridge thingy."

John gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“

[oliverdst]

15 hours ago, Akela3rd said:

Ooh, that's a cue for a physics joke...

Schrodinger and Heisenberg get pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop asks "Do you know exactly how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies "No, because we knew exactly where we were." Thinking this to be suspicious the cop searches the car and asks them to pop the trunk. He then returns to the window and says "Did you know you had a dead cat in your trunk?" and Schrödinger replies "Well, we couldn't be sure until someone looked." They were both promptly arrested.

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Hmmmm

Schrodinger was Austrian and Heisenberg was German. Question is: where they were? If they were outside europe I would say your joke is racist! ?

[Akela3rd]

Hmmmm Schrodinger was Austrian and Heisenberg was German. Question is: where they were? If they were outside europe I would say your joke is racist!     

 

I'm uncertain about that, in principle only obviously. If their speed was accurately measurable, then their location becomes less accurately measurable. The nationality of the cat remains unknown.

 

Edit: Having thought about it, they were probably in Copenhagen...

 

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[poorman]

What if Jesus wanted to swim...

[Stogiepuffer]

If a redhead works at a bakery, does that make him a gingerbread man?

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[oliverdst]

An Irish guy leaves the pub.

[poorman]

Dogs are forever in the pushup position.

 

[cigcars]

3 hours ago, rckymtn22 said:

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it. 

The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden. 

The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt. 

The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%. 

After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep

[Cayman17]

A man walks into a bar and sees a dog in the corner licking its balls. As he sits down at the bar, he motions towards the dog and says to the bartender, “I wish I could do that.”

The bartender replies, “Go ahead, he doesn’t bite.” 

[Stogiepuffer]

Confucius say; man with long pole make broad jump

Confucius say; one should not cook corn and pea in same pot

Confucius say; tulips on an organ is better than Rose's on a piano

Confucius say; man who looses key to girlfriends apartment get no new key.

Confucius say; man who farts in church sits in own pew

Confucius say; man who goes to bed with itchy crack wakes up with stinky finger

Confucius say; woman who puts man in dog house soon finds him in cat house

Confucius say; man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day

And yes I have a 12 Yr old in the house.

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[havanaclub]

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[GrouchoMarx]

 

Award-winning tattoo:

 

 

 

[Perla]

 

[ayepatz]

1 minute ago, Perla said:

 

 

This. ?

[99call]

On 8/17/2018 at 8:32 AM, Auspaul said:

An elegant weapon from a more civilised age 

Wife laughed so hope its not offensive 

 

this wins........sooo many times does this win

[bmf30180]

[Wilzc]

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[puromaniac]

It's been so hot I just saw two trees fighting over a dog.

[puromaniac]

Bob knocks on the door of Jim's house and Jim's Wife Pam opens the door dressed in a sexy kimono.

She tells Bob that Jim in in the shower.

Bob smiles and says to Pam, "I've always admired your boobs. If I gave you $300, would you give me a peak?"

Pam hesitates a second, then opens her kimono, and Bob says thanks and hands her the $300.

When she closes the door Jim was drying off and asked who was at the door.  When Pam said it was Bob, Jim asks if he left the $300 he loaned him last week.

[joeypots]

And the blond goes to the counter in the library and says loudly, "Ill have a cheeseburger, french fries and a vanilla shake."

The librarian replies, "Shhh, quiet,  you're in a library."

So the blond says in a whisper, "I'm sorry, (very quietly here) I'll have a cheeseburger, french fries and a vanilla shake."

[RDBM]

2 novice skiers go on a skiing holiday. They get to the top of the piste and the husband says to the wife, “I’ve completely forgotten what to do, do we zigzag or zagzig?”

The wife says, “I can’t remember either”

just then they see a guy with a sledge and the husband says, “Let’s ask this guy” 

So he explains the situation and asks, “So, do we zigzag or zagzig ?” and the guy say “ I’m sorry I can’t help you, I’m a tobboganist” and the husband says, “well, give me 20 Benson and Hedges then “

[smokeyjoe01]

Deleted duplicate post - technical glitch

[earthson]

A wife decides to go all out for her husband's 70th birthday. On that special day, she cooks his favorite meals, invites over all his friends, bakes him a decadent cake topped with 24k gold, and showers him with all of the gizmos for all of his hobbies.

Later, while he's relaxing in the den, smoking a vintage cigar and drinking brandy they normally can't afford, she steps into the room wearing almost nothing at all. She purrs, "All right, honey - I've tried to give you everything you've ever wanted and more. Now, it's time for your super sex!"

Husband looks at her, takes a sip of his drink, and says, "I'll take the soup!"

[hedgeybaby]

On 8/17/2018 at 12:54 PM, poorman said:

What if Jesus wanted to swim...