Email of the week: Moochers.


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Below is part of an email I received this week. 

:thinking:

You have the conversation and the dousch throws a tanty that ruins a  ritual that your wife actually loves. 

Just suck it up?

Ideas if you have any. I have linked him to this thread. 

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"it is not that i am tight. I am not really. I love to share what I have but I don't like but in this case i know I am being taken advantage of and need your recommendations. 

Rob you know I smoke expensive cigars in CORO, Lancero, V and the occasional VI but I am not made of money. I smoke less but more if you know what  I mean.  I generally only have a cigar Friday nights where my wife and I catch up with her sister and my brother in law for dinner. We alternate houses and both houses have a nice area to smoke in. The problem?  for the last 5 years I bring the cigars and he hasn't once put his hand in his pocket. He doesn't drink and so can't really contribute there.  He enjoys the cigars but doesn't officially smoke so he doesn't have his own stash. I bought some Monte 1 on 2424  and gave him one to smoke while I had a V and he had the gall to say he preferred the V that I was smoking. He smoked one the previous week. 

Do I just take cheaper cigars (which I don't want to do) or do I just have a tough conversation with him. Maybe i just put up with it.  maybe there is a high quality cheaper cigar that gives me as much satisfaction as a siglo V?"

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@NSXCIGAR said it best. It's also very well possible he doesn't know the slightest bit what the Cohibas cost. 

Might actually be fun to try explore some other sticks. For now I'd enjoy the Cohibas alone and up your smoke days to 2x a week, or if bro-in-law understands the deal, you can do what you did which is bring Cohiba for yourself and something else for him without the awkwardness.

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10 minutes ago, NSXCIGAR said:

Then the wife seems cheap to her sister or critical of the husband. Best to leave her out of it. 

It's always best to be up front and early when it comes to money, family and friends. 

Well I agree with your last statement so I am confused with your first. 

My relationship with my sister is such that I will call her/her husband out for anything and I expect that she does the same to me and my +1 and not be worried about "looking cheap". 

I would also have not let it fester for 5 years. 

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26 minutes ago, Meklown said:

My relationship with my sister is such that I will call her/her husband out for anything and I expect that she does the same to me and my +1 and not be worried about "looking cheap". 

Well, I suppose we can all hope to have that kind of relationship with our siblings and in-laws, but many times that is not the state of affairs. Family workings can often be much more complex. 

Messages can also be distorted after going through two parties before reaching the target. 

Small things like this can get into people's heads in weird ways, especially when something's festering and been going on for a long time and essentially involves money. Unless there is a compelling reason for not doing so, I prefer dealing with it gently, smartly and one-on-one.

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Start the next conversation with how the global situation is driving up prices and that you might need to cut back on cigars. Particularly the good stuff since demand and scarcity have shot up the prices. It is all true and can open the conversation further. Hopefully he won't say, "oh luckily I have you to supply me with fine cigars for free".

@NSXCIGAR shared some good advice

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Family is family whether through blood or marriage, and five years of tradition is hard to overcome. 

There are literally dozens of cigar choices that are cheaper than a lancero or Sig V that are very, very tasty.  If it were me, I'd continue the tradition with one of those other options.  Then, if the subject is ever broached by the BIL and he wants to smoke lanceros and Sig V every week, the concept of box splits is laid on the table for him to accept or deny.

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There is one main thing that I don't understand: if this mooching has been going on for 5 years, which has very obviously created some resentment over time, why did he give the moocher a SigV the week before??? Sounds very undeserved and also asking for trouble, which in fact it did.

The biggest problem I see here is the length this tradition has being going on. After a few times of bringing free cigars a conversation about buying boxes jointly to smoke on those Fridays should have happened. Now after five years that conversation is a lot more difficult and tricky to have without drama.

Using the current cigar shortage and price hikes is definitely the best bet. "Sorry I didn't bring anything but I had to cut down on my cigars, they are hard to find and doubled in price". If the moocher is disappointed and complains then the OP can say "We can go in on a box together to offset the expense". If the moocher is ok with it, then that's it, no more cigars for him and the OP can smoke his cigars at home on any other day that is not Friday.

Otherwise if the OP does not want to give up the tradition of smoking together on Fridays, he needs to give some thought to how much that enjoyment is worth and if maybe the resentment is unwarranted. There's plenty of cigars cheaper than Cohiba that are plenty good in that case.

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He should be more than happy to smoke whatever he is given; the offering of any cigar is still most generous.  If he doesn't like what he is offered, he doesn't have to smoke it.  Keep smoking what you want, and offer him whatever you feel is reasonable.  No reason you both have to smoke the same thing.  It doesn't sound like he is drinking what you are, so why does he have to smoke what you are!   

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The routine is already in place.  If the brother in law is cheap, it's better than asking the brother in law to supply the smokes every other week.  That would lead to RP or lord knows what.  I say just keep going with the routine and buck up.  It's a good thing that the B-I-L has preferences.  It's fun to smoke with someone that actually enjoys it rather than someone that says they enjoy it and smokes only 1/4 of a cigar while they turn green.  Cheap brother in laws are not uncommon if you know what I mean 😁

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Find an online retailer who sells Siglo Vs and shoot him a text that says the following:

"Hey man, you said that you really liked those Cohiba's and I found you a retailer that can probably get you a box for the holidays. Just hit that 'notify when back in stock' button and you'll get an email."

He'll see the price tag on the siglos and will stop complaining about the monte's. Extra brownie points if you buy him a desktop humidor like @Jfeath74 suggested for x-mas. If he mentions it again just politely suggest that he buy the next box and you guys can start taking turns with who brings the cigars. Generosity goes both ways with friendships, can't always give or take.

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