Marriage

[MD Puffer]

I waited anxiously for my wife to arrive home.  She closes her pharmacy a couple of hours after I leave my office.  Normally, this is “me time”.  Today, it was spent running what I was going to say through my mind over and over.  I can’t take the strong arm approach with my wife.  As she told me 9 years ago, “I don’t take shit from anyone.”  Still, there had to be some way to navigate the impending storm without getting put into the doghouse or being browbeaten into submission.  

The paper towel dispenser she bought a month ago was a first place piece of crap.  I’ve struggled trying to understand why someone as intelligent as she is continues to buy “As seen on TV” quality items.  They’re cheap, cheaply made, and are always bound for the garbage only a short while after being used for the first time.  This paper towel dispenser came with detachable Velcro strips- so you don’t have to mount it with screws.  Worse, it was some kind of proprietary knockoff of real Velcro.  Instead of having a “hook” side and a “fuzzy” side, it had what seemed to be two “hook” sides.  After the tenth time it fell down I told her I thought it was a manufacturing mistake.  I clearly, articulately, and logically explained the inner workings of Velcro.  Naturally, she told me it was “the way you’re tearing off the paper towels.”  Later, it was that the high quality (Viva) paper towels I was using didn’t lend themselves to being ripped off from the dispenser properly.  She adamantly refused to allow me to mount it with screws because she didn’t want to put any holes in the wall.

The boy started throwing a tanrum when I took away his tricycle.  He didn’t understand that it was dangerous to ride it on top of the couch.  I told him once, he thought I was playing, and when he tried it a second time- well, Daddy had no choice but to put the trike out of sight.  The tantrum ensued.  In his favor, it’d been a while since his last bottle so I went and heated up some milk.  One cannot fill a small-mouthed milk bottle from a newly opened gallon of milk without spilling some.  No need to cry, just grab a paper towel and wipe it up.  

As the paper towel dispenser came falling down for the umpteenth time this month, I realized I needed to take action.  I snapped it in half over my knee.  The most noteworthy thing about this dispenser was that the plastic was rigid enough that it snapped cleanly when I brought it down over my knee.  I chucked it in the trash.  It felt good.  But how to explain this?  I knew in her heart of hearts she didn’t care for it either.  I gathered this when I’d watch her hold it against the wall with one hand while pulling off a paper towel with the other.  

The dogs went apeshit as the garage door opened. “Hey Boy, Mama’s home.  Go say hi to Mama.”  She picked him up and gave him a big hug.  “Hi Hun.  How was your day?” Fine, she replied.  She wanted to walk the dogs while it was still daylight and decided to have a quick sandwich for dinner.  She looked for the paper towels after she made her sandwich.  “What happened to the paper towel thing?”  

Necessity is the mother of invention and also language it appears.  Just pretend I’m testifying in a trial.  Keep my answers short.  

“Oh, it broke.”  Cool as a cucumber.

”It broke?  Oh.” She smiled slightly.  “I hope that red t-shirt of yours doesn’t break.”

Said red t-shirt was acquired from Target for $4.99 ten years ago.  It has a couple of small holes here and there.  It has some curious bleach stains which, if I were a paranoid man, would say someone intentionally placed as a way to compel me to get rid of it.  But everyone knows how it’s difficult to part with a comfortable t-shirt.  

I said nothing in reply.  I just shrugged and wore a confused look upon my face.  We talked some more about this and that then she was off with the dogs and I went to put the boy down for the night.  At worst, my t-shirt comes up missing and I chalk it up as a good compromise.  At best, I give up nothing.  Either way, the feeling is one of being victorious and it pairs well with a Boli Royal Corona ETP Oct 15.

[shrink]

I sure hope that you get to finish that Boli Royal Corona, and thoroughly enjoy the calm before the storm. And be thankful that your son softened that couch that he was riding on, so that you might get some sleep tonight. You're gonna need it. 

[MD Puffer]

18 minutes ago, shrink said:

I sure hope that you get to finish that Boli Royal Corona, and thoroughly enjoy the calm before the storm. And be thankful that your son softened that couch that he was riding on, so that you might get some sleep tonight. You're gonna need it. 

Lol, I was lucky enough to nub it.  She’s a loving wife and somehow manages to put up with me.

[Bri Fi]

I would’ve put the paper towel holder back together just enough for the next person (wife) to break it on accident. 

[THEMISCHMAN]

[Ken Gargett]

a few years back, one of my best mates rang me.

"time you got married". 

i was very surprised as the fact that i was not married had never bothered him in the slightest. "why would i want to do that?" i asked.

the response - "why the hell should you be the only one of us happy". 

 

[El Presidente]

On the things i would like to experience, it is right up  there with crucifixion  

 

 

[Duxnutz]

Pregnant women are fun. Wish there was a brochure warning about that.

[Cayman17]

50 minutes ago, Duxnutz said:

Pregnant women are fun. Wish there was a brochure warning about that.

It’s even more fun right after she gives birth. 

[TBird55]

3 hours ago, Cayman17 said:

It’s even more fun right after she gives birth. 

And as my Dad once told me, "it ain't going to get any better, son".

[Cayman17]

4 hours ago, TBird55 said:

And as my Dad once told me, "it ain't going to get any better, son".

 

[La_Tigre]

9 hours ago, Duxnutz said:

Pregnant women are fun. Wish there was a brochure warning about that.

Should come with plain packaging...

[Akela3rd]

I'm away camping for the week. Same place, same time every year for the last 12 years. My darling wife called this afternoon and her opening words were " Where are you?"
We've been married for 20 years so we must be doing something right.



Sent from 47171 Lempo 

[BoliDan]

My wife would have accepted this in good spirits also, but then later bringing it up in an arguement 10 years after the fact, leaving me speechless. She's a fiery Mexican woman and arguements are no holds barred. I'd just have my own paper towel roll somewhere else, passively aggressively flaunting it, to avoid imminent destruction. 

[El Presidente]

My good mate Shagga had an argument with his wife Sue.

Without knowing the ins and outs of the argument.....I know it was his fault 

Sue took his humidor......emptied it into the kitchen sink and turned on the water.

...none made it  

 

[JohnS]

There's so much one can learn from 'Shagga' stories, isn't there @El Presidente?

[Burningman]

1 minute ago, El Presidente said:

My good mate Shagga had an argument with his wife Sue.

Without knowing the ins and outs of the argument.....I know it was his fault 

Sue took his humidor......emptied it into the kitchen sink and turned on the water.

...none made it  

 

Good God! And people have the nerve to bask me why I'm still single!

[TBird55]

53 minutes ago, El Presidente said:

My good mate Shagga had an argument with his wife Sue.

Without knowing the ins and outs of the argument.....I know it was his fault 

Sue took his humidor......emptied it into the kitchen sink and turned on the water.

...none made it  

 

Now that's grounds for divorce.....

[Habana Mike]

Did it once. Love the wife, almost 35 years in.

Wouldn't do it again...

[Orion21]

5 hours ago, El Presidente said:

My good mate Shagga had an argument with his wife Sue.

Without knowing the ins and outs of the argument.....I know it was his fault 

Sue took his humidor......emptied it into the kitchen sink and turned on the water.

...none made it  

 

I knew I was smart moving my humidors to my office. They are now secure behind key card access front entry, elevator, key card access office entrance and dead bolt locked office door. 

My wife’s a ninja, so they still aren’t safe . . . 

[cigcars]

    *The Official International Symbol of Marriage: 

[cigcars]

8 hours ago, El Presidente said:

My good mate Shagga had an argument with his wife Sue.

Without knowing the ins and outs of the argument.....I know it was his fault 

Sue took his humidor......emptied it into the kitchen sink and turned on the water.

...none made it