How do you end what was once a good friendship?

[99call]

So,  on two occasion in my life,  I've had to address a situation ,  whereby I've felt a friendship turn sour.   The problem on both occasions, is that it was only felt to be that way from my perspective,  and not theirs  i.e.  I had ceased to trust the friend in question, or ceased to feel as if they actually had my best interests as heart.

So in both instances, I tried to put the friendships to bed in a bit by bit distancing.   My gut call (in the first instance) was that it would feel extraodinarily egocentric, or self important, to arrange to meet someone, then to tell them that you wanted to not be there friend.    If someone did that to me,  I would very give the reaction "you could of just text me that!". 

So on both accounts when questioned, I was happy to explain myself etc but it did end very sourly, and badly.   On both occasions I had a nagging feeling "how do people do this? without being and uncaring bastard?".  In talking to my nearest and dearest friends, they have almost never had a friendship that dies with one party, but is still valued by the other. 

So FOH, how do you end a long friendship, without being unnecessarily cruel, or uncaring?   

? slow bit by bit distancing,   

? have face to face explanation that the friendship is over

there just doesn't seem to be a good way 

[cfc1016]

Leave.

Send a letter explaining why.

Block their number/email/social media.

Move on.

 

Oddly enough, I'm actually dealing with this situation... right now. ?

 

[...]

Good question, I’d break down my point of view to the friend and make it up to the friend to meet me halfway to maintain the friendship or agree to part ways (I have done so in the past with success).

Best of luck!

[Wailbait]

This is a great question and one that I have wrestled with myself on a couple of occasions.   Your two “methods” represent the same two that I arrived at.  I think there is a kind of mental flow chart that I employ when evaluating which method I shall pursue.  

If it is a case of a shifting in lifestyles/priorities/ ways of being, I would choose the “distancing” model.  It’s very possible that person through their shifts (or mine) feels the same about me and maybe they don’t want to hang with me either.

  If it’s an actual transgression, I might try to confront it and make a clean break (or rectify).  It might be worth hearing about the specific transgression from their point of view.  I certainly don’t have a monopoly on being right in this world and many times it is incumbent on me to reevaluate my priorities.  

[99call]

54 minutes ago, cfc1016 said:

Leave.

Send a letter explaining why.

Block their number/email/social media.

Move on.

 

Oddly enough, I'm actually dealing with this situation... right now. ?

 

to clarify, I'm talking about male/female friendships, not romantic male/female relationships

 

51 minutes ago, Wailbait said:

This is a great question and one that I have wrestled with myself on a couple of occasions.   Your two “methods” represent the same two that I arrived at.  I think there is a kind of mental flow chart that I employ when evaluating which method I shall pursue.  

If it is a case of a shifting in lifestyles/priorities/ ways of being, I would choose the “distancing” model.  It’s very possible that person through their shifts (or mine) feels the same about me and maybe they don’t want to hang with me either.

  If it’s an actual transgression, I might try to confront it and make a clean break (or rectify).  It might be worth hearing about the specific transgression from their point of view.  I certainly don’t have a monopoly on being right in this world and many times it is incumbent on me to reevaluate my priorities.  

All great advice here, and you really got the question, and the unique elements at hand. 

The difficult thing with regard to the two situations I was talking about was:

A; the two people I was talking about, where both incapable of taking any sort of criticism

B, but also both very fragile, with issues like long term addiction etc playing a part. 

Essentially, I very early on took the decision that any action I choose to take, whether it be a comforting shoulder, or challenging stance, would all fall on deaf ears, and be taken as an unwarranted attack.     In affect I felt like it would be a lose lose situation

 

51 minutes ago, Wailbait said:

If it’s an actual transgression, I might try to confront it and make a clean break (or rectify).  It might be worth hearing about the specific transgression from their point of view.

This is very interesting.   In both instances me choosing to distance,  both led to behavioural characteristics which were precisely why I no longer valued the friendships. i.e emotional blackmail, and self serving behaviour.   The reaction that was forwarded with vitriol, just made me double down, and go, "Jesus, thank God I don't have to deal with that dickhead anymore"

 

51 minutes ago, Jeanff said:

and make it up to the friend to meet me halfway to maintain the friendship or agree to part ways

This is a very interesting prospect, i.e 'a challenge', either put effort into returning to when the friendship was enjoyable, or if they don't........then it's a mutual death.... and importantly nobody is to blame. 

[Chibearsv]

I would never presume to coach anyone on relationships. They are too complicated for anyone to describe. That said, I think you're doing the right thing by giving your decisions hard contemplation. In the end, all you can do is be you and handle these things the best you can. There's probably not a safe or clean way to do it but ultimately you need to be as confident as you can be when you pick a path. I've weaned toxic people out of my life and I've also cut some out cold turkey. In all cases it was the best call for me at the time. Best wishes to you. 

[99call]

7 minutes ago, Chibearsv said:

I've weaned toxic people out of my life and I've also cut some out cold turkey

my key question is.......Have these people been shocked by your action to end the friendship, and been indignant about the reasons why?.    I would find it very easy to end a mutually dead friendship, but it's really unpleasant when from one persons perspective you are "the best of friends" and in your head, you are thinking "wheres the door"

[Chibearsv]

8 minutes ago, 99call said:

my key question is.......Have these people been shocked by your action to end the friendship, and been indignant about the reasons why?.    I would find it very easy to end a mutually dead friendship, but it's really unpleasant when from one persons perspective you are "the best of friends" and in your head, you are thinking "wheres the door"

Absolutely some have been indignant, pissed, mean, vindictive, and some didn't care at all. But I live with it no matter. What else can you do once you make the move?  I'll add that in hindsight, I wouldn't have been able to guess how each reacted ahead of time. 

[99call]

12 minutes ago, Chibearsv said:

I'll add that in hindsight, I wouldn't have been able to guess how each reacted ahead of time. 

Yep, people that I know who have had bad intentions, but to my face have been very much "but your my best mate". it's been all too predictable that when you draw back the curtain and challenge the friendship, they bite back very viciously and you very much question why you were ever their friend in the first place.   

[Chibearsv]

25 minutes ago, 99call said:

Yep, people that I know who have had bad intentions, but to my face have been very much "but your my best mate". it's been all too predictable that when you draw back the curtain and challenge the friendship, they bite back very viciously and you very much question why you were ever their friend in the first place.   

Sad but true

[Wookie]

I let them die quietly. At some point they get it. Life is too short to have a constant thorn in ones side. Some people suck and they wil never understand it because they are self unaware. 

[99call]

10 hours ago, Wookie said:

I let them die quietly. At some point they get it. Life is too short to have a constant thorn in ones side. Some people suck and they wil never understand it because they are self unaware. 

this is very much the kind of place I find myself,  but it does beg the question,  who....if not you.....is ever going to lay it out for these people?.....

 I've heard from various people in my life (and this isn't about friendship,  more just poor behaviour)  "don't worry dude!  what goes around comes around, they'll get theirs.....!".............well........will they?    if for every shitbag their is a decent person to takes it on the chin.............don't you just get two casts of people?   the a-holes, and the non-a-holes?.   the crap takers, and the crap givers?.

the core problem is,,  some people have somehow managed to get to adulthood, with an almost infantile behaviour pattern, and after a certain point if feels incredibly cruel to push them off that precipice to say "wake the f-up!".    I think it's more familiar to only children.   Both of the friends in question were only children, and they were both selfish almost deaf to other peoples concerns. 

My main headscratcher is, if people continuously just walk out the back door on these peoples lives, how do they ever learn to change, or develop.   Equally when you challenge them head on........it's too much for them to take.....and the tell you to f-off

[kalibratecuba]

Spread a virus that causes everyone to social distance.

"It's not you. It's not me. It's this damn virus."

Worked for me.

Sent from my GM1917 using Tapatalk

[cfc1016]

5 hours ago, 99call said:

to clarify, I'm talking about male/female friendships, not romantic male/female relationships

I was never under the illusion that you were referring to a romantic relationship. I'm talking about platonic friendship. I've had to end a few, over the years. This is the only way I've found to do it, that doesn't just lead to more heartache. Just end it, and leave.

[Sir Diggamus]

2 hours ago, 99call said:

 

the core problem is,,  some people have somehow managed to get to adulthood, with an almost infantile behaviour pattern, and after a certain point if feels incredibly cruel to push them off that precipice to say "wake the f-up!".    I think it's more familiar to only children.   Both of the friends in question were only children, and they were both selfish almost deaf to other peoples concerns. 

My main headscratcher is, if people continuously just walk out the back door on these peoples lives, how do they ever learn to change, or develop.   Equally when you challenger them head on........it's too much for them to take.....and the tell you to f-off

It sucks that you are struggling with this. You obviously are thinking about the other person here, and think that is noble to do. My opinion on your question above is that age has very little to do with a person's emotional growth, people grow and change when they are ready and open to it. I think if asked directly and genuinely "what happened?" it may give you the chance to be the catalyst for a change in that person and full disclosure could be useful to them. I think as others mentioned above, I would go the route of distancing. If there are no entanglements that need to be addressed it would be perfectly acceptable to move on to spend time with those that can be a positive force in your life. 

[99call]

9 hours ago, cfc1016 said:

I was never under the illusion that you were referring to a romantic relationship. I'm talking about platonic friendship. I've had to end a few, over the years. This is the only way I've found to do it, that doesn't just lead to more heartache. Just end it, and leave.

This also what I did, and I think you spot on

 

8 hours ago, Sir Diggamus said:

It sucks that you are struggling with this. You obviously are thinking about the other person here, and think that is noble to do. My opinion on your question above is that age has very little to do with a person's emotional growth, people grow and change when they are ready and open to it. I think if asked directly and genuinely "what happened?" it may give you the chance to be the catalyst for a change in that person and full disclosure could be useful to them. I think as others mentioned above, I would go the route of distancing. If there are no entanglements that need to be addressed it would be perfectly acceptable to move on to spend time with those that can be a positive force in your life. 

Great advice.   The "what happened"  question did get forwarded, and I tried to be very basic, and honest, whilst trying not to be too critical or offensive.  In both cases it was met with denial and anger........it really hit home to me that just allowing the friendship to die through distance is generally the best option.

[nKostyan]

17 hours ago, 99call said:

? slow bit by bit distancing

?

In all breakups, I prefer to slowly crawl away. Freezing the relationship leaves a chance and gives time to fix the shortcomings of both sides or after some time to resume them.

[PigFish]

18 hours ago, 99call said:

So,  on two occasion in my life,  I've had to address a situation ,  whereby I've felt a friendship turn sour.   The problem on both occasions, is that it was only felt to be that way from my perspective,  and not theirs  i.e.  I had ceased to trust the friend in question, or ceased to feel as if they actually had my best interests as heart.

So in both instances, I tried to put the friendships to bed in a bit by bit distancing.   My gut call (in the first instance) was that it would feel extraodinarily egocentric, or self important, to arrange to meet someone, then to tell them that you wanted to not be there friend.    If someone did that to me,  I would very give the reaction "you could of just text me that!". 

So on both accounts when questioned, I was happy to explain myself etc but it did end very sourly, and badly.   On both occasions I had a nagging feeling "how do people do this? without being and uncaring bastard?".  In talking to my nearest and dearest friends, they have almost never had a friendship that dies with one party, but is still valued by the other. 

So FOH, how do you end a long friendship, without being unnecessarily cruel, or uncaring?   

? slow bit by bit distancing,   

? have face to face explanation that the friendship is over

there just doesn't seem to be a good way 

Like many topics on this forum, I am likely to be misunderstood about this one. Looking outside the box, and looking for clues in the question is what often drives my response.

I like you Steph, so this is in no way designed to be offensive. Try to take it that way.

 

Human relationships, like a poster up the thread indicated, are complex and I don't claim to be an expert about them. I have however noticed functional differences in those that understand humans in different ways and then how they are affected by them. My wife and I are perfect examples of this. Very briefly. I don't think she understands human behavior, she is therefore hurt by a lot of people to the extent I don't really understand. On the other hand I often say, "I don't give a sh** what 'so and so' has to say, and I really don't care..." This in turn frustrates her. I am viewed a callus. Frankly, I believe that a lot of people on this forum actually think of me this way given some of my opinions.

Our core difference, based on an the statement I see in your original post eg., "ceased to feel as they actually had my best interests at heart." is the basis if my examination of this topic.

 

You should look to yourself as part of the problem. Why? Because you might not really understand the nature of people.

Why should a discrete human person, have your interests over his/her own? Best in this context means the highest.

Do you have this persons 'best' interest at heart? Really? What if your termination or distancing affects them negatively? If you then do what you need to do for you, and damage him/her have you practiced what you have preached? Have you lived your expectation of others?

The idea here was not to catch you in a cleaver choice of words. It is about noticing how different thought processes lead people though the world and through relationships. What errors are made due to underlying axioms of the nature of human beings.

These are some of my thoughts. When you expect people to act in their own best interests, you suddenly expect a lot less from them. This will gain you independence from them and in some ways some indifference. It does not make you less caring, or thoughtful, a less loving individual. That is because you will begin to understand that you do what you do for selfish reasons as well.

For example.

Caring, giving and loving some of us people happy. That is why I do it. If loving hurt me, I could not practice it. If I did not see it as a positive in my life, and want to share it with others, then I could not do it. I am not a martyr. This is what drives giving people to be giving. It is self satisfying. Pleasure is what drives most people. Religious people push their religion because it makes them happy. They figure if they share it, it will make you happy too. The equation is simple. It is often why people pushing religions are seen as pests.

There are also unhappy, selfish, mean and evil people. They get something from being miserable. I have stopped trying to understand it. I just see it for what it is and ignore those people. They too 'push' their position. You have to recognize these people as well. This is a key part for understanding humanity. Humanity runs on a Gaussian. There are average people for every aspect of behavior. That means for every tender loving person, there is an evil and nasty SOB out there to make the average what it is!

When you begin to see that people can and are, both good and bad, some being better than others, all having flaws and looking out for themselves you discover power over relationships. You learn to forgive their transgression (for the basically good ones) as you understand to err is human. If the transgression is too great to bear you throw in the towel, understanding that you should not be caring more for them than you do yourself. You learn to recognize that not all people are good.

 

One last thought. If you really do like this person, you should give them feedback.

If your horse bites you, and you don't bash him back on the nose, he knows not that he did wrong. Feedback is important. Without feedback, none of us would learn anything!

Try feedback. If that does not make this person understand that their behavior hurts you, then tell them to FO and be happy and confident about it...!

Cheers my friend. -Ray

[99call]

6 minutes ago, PigFish said:

Our core difference, based on an the statement I see in your original post eg., "ceased to feel as they actually had my best interests at heart." is the basis if my examination of this topic.

This was a lazy choice of words on my part.  A better way to put it, is this person actively, and increasingly became spiteful, and whether in business or in personal life. They became someone I felt I couldn't trust, and also someone I felt began to wish me misfortune. 

I enjoy people who can difficult, but it's always a balance.   I think there are very simple rules of why people forge friendships,  people who make us laugh, people that challenge us, people we can learn from.    Critically in the instance I'm discussing, this person had ceased to be any of things that had forged that friendship, and not only that, they become, spiteful, insulting, untrustworthy, self obsessed.  the list goes on.

My core reason for putting the question out there, is that in both instances I have experienced. i.e good friends turned bad.   .      I initially tried distance, and that failed, as answers were sought, and the answers then rejected.       

I think what I've learned is that I was looking for a respectful way to do things, but that is my way, and it takes two to tango.  I think some people need relationships to explode apart in an ugly mess, as thats what gives them closure.  

 

[PigFish]

2 minutes ago, 99call said:

This was a lazy choice of words on my part.  A better way to put it, is this person actively, and increasingly became spiteful, and whether in business or in personal life. They became someone I felt I couldn't trust, and also someone I felt began to wish me misfortune. 

I enjoy people who can difficult, but it's always a balance.   I think there are very simple rules of why people forge friendships,  people who make us laugh, people that challenge us, people we can learn from.    Critically in the instance I'm discussing, this person had ceased to be any of things that had forged that friendship, and not only that, they become, spiteful, insulting, untrustworthy, self obsessed.  the list goes on.

My core reason for putting the question out there, is that in both instances I have experienced. i.e good friends turned bad.   .      I initially tried distance, and that failed, as answers were sought, and the answers then rejected.       

I think what I've learned is that I was looking for a respectful way to do things, but that is my way, and it takes two to tango.  I think some people need relationships to explode apart in an ugly mess, as thats what gives them closure.  

 

Life is too short to smoke bad cigars or deal with bad people. If this person is all that you say, they deserve not only your loss but more.

I prefer to tell people to FO... but that is just me! If that is not your thing, I get it. I don't think I understand the premise of closure in this instance, but some people certainly need to know the door has shut and if someones evil fingers are still in the doorway, well, too bad for them!!! Lets call it a clear understanding! -LOL

Sorry I misunderstood you!

Best of luck! -Ray

[99call]

40 minutes ago, PigFish said:

Sorry I misunderstood you!

Best of luck! -Ray

No misunderstanding Ray, as I said It was a poor choice of language. 

Cheers, gladly the situatio is all in the past now, no to pastures new

[BrightonCorgi]

Could your friendship be reconciled if the other party did or said something you deem necessary or it that it?

If that's it, just move on and don't talk to them again.

Another way, a bit jokingly is loan them money.  You'll never hear from him again...

 

 

[Meklown]

11 hours ago, 99call said:

this is very much the kind of place I find myself,  but it does beg the question,  who....if not you.....is ever going to lay it out for these people?.....

 

I interpret this as you being socially responsible and actually still cares for that person. I always tell my partner that she can always trust me to tell her the hard truths. Because it's my responsibility to her to help her improve as a person. However, if I have given up on a relationship, I don't care whether that person improves or not. They can continue being a scum for all I care!

[Kitchen]

I'd recommend The Cask of Amontillado; a good read on the subject.  

Do you have a wine cellar?  

[99call]

10 hours ago, Meklown said:

I interpret this as you being socially responsible and actually still cares for that person. I always tell my partner that she can always trust me to tell her the hard truths. Because it's my responsibility to her to help her improve as a person. However, if I have given up on a relationship, I don't care whether that person improves or not. They can continue being a scum for all I care!

If I'm brutally honest, it's more that I don't like feeling like I've hurt someone. Or done the best I can not to be a dick about it

Sometimes when you have people who are void of social intelligence, you still imagine that over time, they must have realised all the shitty things they have done,   and the reasoning why someone want's to distance themselves from that...........but they just don't ....they have so little self awareness that if comes as a massive shock..............as much as I don't want the friendship, and the person has done numerous things to piss me off, and ruin the friendship, it still feel horrible do......and when someone wants answers that they cant handle,  it's just messy and unworkable.