the weird english language

[Ken Gargett]

saw this recently. wondering if any other examples? 

"Some of the most frequently used words in the English language must have been created by someone with a devilish sense of humor. The word monosyllabic isn’t one syllable, long is only four letters, lisp is difficult to pronounce if you have a lisp, and synonym doesn’t have any synonyms". 

and before we have a debate re synonym, apparently there are several words, such as metonym and poecilonym, that are very similar but not quite 'synonyms'. 

[ayepatz]

“There are three “two”s in the English Language.”

“There are three ”too”s in the English Language.”

“There are three “to”s in the English Language.”

”There are three “2”s in the English Language.”

Ugh. I give up. ?

[shrink]

Ken, you really need a copy of Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure and Preposterous Words by Josefa Heifetz Byrne. 

Floccinaucinihilipilification: the categorizing of something as worthless trivia.

[Habana Mike]

Are you speaking of English English, American English, Australian English, Indian English, pidgin English or ESOL?

They're all similar but quite different at the same time.....

[Ken Gargett]

1 hour ago, shrink said:

Ken, you really need a copy of Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure and Preposterous Words by Josefa Heifetz Byrne. 

Floccinaucinihilipilification: the categorizing of something as worthless trivia.

that sounds like something JK Rowling would come up with. 

[cigcars]

   *And don't forget how certain English language words change in categories for "political correctness" for even more near confusion...for our foreign friends learning to speak the language.  There was an African stand up comedian who entertained Stateside, and he told us how when they're taught English - it's with dated books with certain words still meaning what they originally mean't i.e. "I'm feeling gay!"  He said, "Little did I know that when I came to America and said 'I'm feeling gay!' I found myself surrounded by lots of friends I did not want!"

[ayepatz]

4 hours ago, shrink said:

Ken, you really need a copy of Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure and Preposterous Words by Josefa Heifetz Byrne. 

Floccinaucinihilipilification: the categorizing of something as worthless trivia.

I floccinaucinihilipilificate that. ?

[ha_banos]

If you chop a tree down and then chop it up, one certainly does not end up where one started.

Sent from my ONEPLUS A5010 using Tapatalk

[cfc1016]

Let’s not also forget the silliness of our alphabet...

[SirVantes]

if you say "I am leasing this property", are you saying you're paying rent, or collecting it?

When you press a button, how can you be doing the same thing as depressing it?

Tough, cough, bough, though, through, thorough...

[Ribeye]

Unfortunately, I am unable to site the original author/source for this email received a while back.....

Ribeye?

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.

        A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym. 

       

        You think English is easy?? 

        I think a retired English teacher was bored...THIS IS GREAT! 

 

        Read all the way to the end.................

        This took a lot of work to put together! 

         

        1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

        2) The farm was used to produce produce.

        3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 

        4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

        5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

        6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

        7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 

        ? A bass was painted on the head of the bassdrum.

        9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

        10) I did not object to the object. 

        11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

        12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

        13) They were too close to the door to close it.

        14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.   

        15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

        16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

        17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

        18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

        19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

        20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 

 

        Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 

        And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

 

        If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

       

        How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

 

        English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

 

        PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

 

        You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

 

        There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

        It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? 

        At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?

        Why do we speak UP and why are the officersUP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write  UP a report?

        We call UP our friends.

        And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UPthe silver; we warm UP the leftovers and cleanUP the kitchen. 

        We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. 

        At other times the little word has real special meaning.

        People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, workUP an appetite, and think UP  excuses.

        To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP  is special .

        A drain must be opened UP because it is stoppedUP . 

        We open UP a store in the morning but we close itUP at night.

        We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

        To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.

        In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

        If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

        It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. 

        When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. 

        When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

        When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .

        When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

        One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP ,

        for now my time is UP ,

        so.......it is time to shut UP !

        Now it's UP to you what you do with this email

[SigmundChurchill]

We park on a driveway and drive on a parkway.

That one belongs to Steven Wright,

....but for topics like this, I usually defer to George Carlin.

 

[Akela3rd]

And of course there's swearing. The F-word being the most versatile of all as in "F it! The F-ing F-er's F-ed, so F it off and get a new F-ing one, you F-wit. Thank F for that. Now, stop F-ing around, fancy a F?." Try doing that in any other language...

 

Sent from my ActionMan walkie-talkie

 

 

 

 

[joeypots]

Label and table. No wonder I can't spell.

[99call]

I remember having an conversation with an American girl I went to college with.  We were on a research trip, and on the way we saw a UK car repair garage.

Girl :  Thats retarded!!! why do you guys spell Tire like that?  i.e Tyre

Me :  Well how would I differentiate then I want to say "I tire of your ignorance"

Silence........................................

[Derboesekoenig]

27 minutes ago, 99call said:

I remember having an conversation with an American girl I went to college with.  We were on a research trip, and on the way we saw a UK car repair garage.

Girl :  Thats retarded!!! why do you guys spell Tire like that?  i.e Tyre

Me :  Well how would I differentiate then I want to say "I tire of your ignorance"

Silence........................................

Ugh. That sounds about right. Being a college graduate means nothing to me. Even earning a PhD no longer has the meaning it used to carry with me. I know someone that is about to earn their PhD, but just having a conversation with them, you'd be surprised to find out that they've even earned a post-graduate degree. All degrees earned where? Yes, online. 

[cfc1016]

Palate - the roof of your mouth

Palette - a slab for mixing paint

Pallet - a shipping structure which facilitates lifting of a parcel with a forklift

The aroma of pine on my palate when I burnt the pallet inspired me to wet my palette and paint the memories stirred by that pungent scent.