Comedy Weekend at Czars Central: Comp

[burntpowder]

On a flight from NY to LA a blonde gets out of her economy seat, walks up to first class and sits in the seat vacated by someone in the toilet.

And the Crew, no matter what threats they use, can't get her to return to her seat. So after a couple of hours they advise the Captain.

The Captain says "I've got this. My wife is blonde and I speak blonde." He walks over, whispers in her ear and she gets up and returns to her seat.

The crew is amazed and asks what he threatened her with and he responded "nothing, I told her First Class isn't going to LA."

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[Akela3rd]

Q - What's a Hindu?
A - Lays eggs


Thunder & Lightening '75-'15

[Colt45]

two guys walked into a bar.

the third one ducked.

[Thomasdenaro]

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump
Crossing, Northern Territory, for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off
because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf
and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to
spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was
the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know
what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed
that little ball.

The barber replied,

"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else
does"

[ayepatz]

A man comes home late from the pub to find his wife waiting on the doorstep.

"What time do you call this?" she says.

"Sorry, love," says the husband, "I got cornered by Frank in the pub. You know what he's like once he gets going."

"Him and his tall tales!" says the wife. "What was he lying about this time?"

"He was boasting that he's had sex with every woman in our street, except one."

The wife shrugs dismissively. "Probably that stuck-up bitch at number 8."

[Rrm7284]

A son asks his Dad what *** means.
The Dad says "*** means happy"
The son says "So are you *** Dad?"
The Dad says "No son, I have a wife".


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[Rrm7284]

A son asks his Dad what *** means.
The Dad says "*** means happy"
The son says "So are you *** Dad?"
The Dad says "No son, I have a wife".


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Wow, looks like "***" gets censored here, strike 1.


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[tsolomon]

One day a man decided to retire... 

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

 She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." 

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

 "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

 "But, where did you get the tools?"

 "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

 The guy is stunned.

 "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

 Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

 While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

 "Would you like a drink?"

 "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

 "Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces," I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

 No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

 "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

 When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

 "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

.

.

.

 "You've built a Golf Course?"

[tsolomon]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

"I doubt it", said the truly proud Texan.  'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

 

[MooseAMuffin]

An old man brings his dog to the veterinarian and lays it on the table in the room. The vet asks the old man

“What seems to be the problem?”.

The old man replies “Well, ol’ Rex here hasn’t been the same lately. He doesn’t eat, doesn’t sit on my lap, pretty much just lays in one spot all day.”

The vet looks at the dog on the table before again looking at the old man and says “Sir, I’m sorry to say this but your dog is dead.”

The old man replies “I’m not sure I believe you, Doc. I think Rex just needs some medicine.”

The vet leaves the room and comes back with a Labrador Retriever and places it on the table with Rex. The Lab sniffs Rex’s butt, but Rex doesn’t move. The old man says “Well, maybe Rex is sicker than I thought. Usually when a Lab sniffs his butt, Rex tries to bite them. But Doc, I still don’t think he is dead.” The vet grabs the Lab, leaves the room and then comes back with a cat. This time, he places the cat right on top of Rex. The cat walks on top of Rex for a bit, paws and scratches Rex’s coat but Rex doesn’t move.

The old man looks at the vet and says, “Ok Doc, I believe you. Ol’ Rex hated cats and would have surely attacked any cat that came near him.”

The vet leaves the room, comes back and hands the old man a bill for $6000. The old man looks at the vet and says “$6000, you charge people $6000 to tell them their dog is dead?!?!”
The vet looks up and says “No, telling you your dog was dead was free. The $6000 was for the Lab results and cat scan.

[saintsmokealot]

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

 

 

A Dictator

[saintsmokealot]

How do you make a hormone?

 

 

 

 

Don't pay her.

[Guest Nekhyludov]

1 minute ago, saintsmokealot said:

How do you make a hormone?

 

 

 

 

Don't pay her.

Wanna know how to make a pheromone?

Knock down his Pyramid.

[99call]

Whats the difference between a family celebration and a 69er?? .......with a 69er you only have to kiss one C**T.         Sorry we only have raw and filthy jokes in Manc. Please dont ban me, it's just too good 

[99call]

Back in the 50's, a man walked into a Hollywood agent's office. He told the agent that he wanted to be a big star and that he wanted the agent to represent him. The agent asked the man's name, to which he proudly replied, "Penis Van Lesbian." Taken aback, the agent said, "If you want to be a big star, you will have to change your name." The man, somewhat offended, told the agent, "The Van Lesbian name goes back centuries and I am very proud of my name! I will never change my name! Ever!" "Then I won't be able to represent you." Said the agent. "Then good day to you, sir!" The man yelled as he stormed out of the office.

Five years later, the agent received a letter along with a check for $50,000, written out to him. He wondered if it was sent to him by mistake until he read the letter.

The letter said,

Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick Van Dyke

[99call]

Nerdy looking Pom walks into a bar in Aussy. Locals say "jeese look at the state of this!? Whats your game mate? The Englishman says "Well Erm....Im a ....taxidermist".   " a taxi what?" say the barflies . "Well I..... Err.   kill and mount animals" .  The locals say "It's allright boys...... he's one of us!"

[Balboa]

Little Jimmy is in class when Mrs. Philips asks the question " if there are five birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Little Jimmy raises his hand and Mrs. Philips calls upon him for the answer. Little Jimmy says "the answer is no birds are left on the fence." Perplexed Mrs. Philips asks Little Jimmy how he got that answer. Little Jimmy tells her when the birds heard the gunshot they got scared and flew away. Mrs. Philips says to Little Jimmy that although that's not the right answer she likes the way he thinks.

A couple days later Little Jimmy has a question for Mrs. Philips.  "Mrs. Philips there are three women eating an ice cream cone. One is licking it, one is biting it and the other is sucking it. Which one of these women is married?  A little embarrassed Mrs. Philips answers "why that would be the one sucking it". Little Jimmy says " no it would be the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think ".

[joeypots]

A little girl goes down to breakfast to find her mother cooking away. 

"Good morning dear" 

"Mommy, I know how you get a baby." The child says.

"What did you say, dear?"

"I know how you get a baby."

"OK, what too you know honey."

"I say you and daddy getting a baby last night."

The mother is horrified that her child has been traumatized and demands, "What did you see last night?"

""Well," the child begins, " Last night I went to the bathroom and when I went by your bedroom I could see you and daddy getting a baby."

"Exactly what did you see?"

The daughter replies, " You and daddy were kissing and rubbing each other and after a while you put your face right in daddy's lap."

"Oh my god." the mother breathes a sigh of relief, "Now listen to me, this is very important.  That is not how mommy gets a baby. That's how mommy gets jewelry."

[joeypots]

Hear about the blondes that froze to death at the drive in theater? They went to see  " Closed For The Winter".

[cigcars]

 * How come the Urban Cowboy's mustache is all brown and scuzzy?

   Because he's lookin' for love in the wrong places...

[Smokin Joe]

An old couple are sitting in their rockers on their porch on a Saturday afternoon. The old man looks at his wife and, after a moment looking her over, says "screw you Doris". Doris takes this statement with equanimity and a moment later looks her husband in the eyes and says "screw you too Alan".

The old couple fall silent and return to their rocking. After a few minutes Alan turns back to Doris and says, "I don't know about you, darling, but this oral sex the young ones talk about doesn't do much for me".

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[JC67]

 

 

WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ARAB AFTER 10 BEERS ?

HAMMAD

WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ARAB AFTER 20 BEERS?

MOHAMMAD!!

 

https://youtu.be/-1weDjpXhCE

 

[BMWBen]

A cell phone rings in a locker room and a man answers it on speaker:

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and i just saw this beautiful ring and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and i just stopped by at the Mercedes dealership and saw one i really liked, can i have it?

Man "How much is it?"

Woman: "$90,000."

Man: "Well if it's that much i want it with all the features."

Woman: "Of course, one more thing. I just finished talking to Sarah, and the house i wanted is back on the market, they're asking $980,000 for it."

Man: "Ok, make an offer for $900,000, if they don't take it offer them the extra 80k if that's what you really want."

Woman: " Thank you so much honey, love you, bye!"

Man: "Love you too, bye."

The man hung up, everyone in the locker room was staring at him in astonishment. The man then calmly looked around and asked "Ok, whose phone is this?"

[Andy04]

11 hours ago, 99call said:

Back in the 50's, a man walked into a Hollywood agent's office. He told the agent that he wanted to be a big star and that he wanted the agent to represent him. The agent asked the man's name, to which he proudly replied, "Penis Van Lesbian." Taken aback, the agent said, "If you want to be a big star, you will have to change your name." The man, somewhat offended, told the agent, "The Van Lesbian name goes back centuries and I am very proud of my name! I will never change my name! Ever!" "Then I won't be able to represent you." Said the agent. "Then good day to you, sir!" The man yelled as he stormed out of the office.

Five years later, the agent received a letter along with a check for $50,000, written out to him. He wondered if it was sent to him by mistake until he read the letter.

The letter said,

Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick Van Dyke

That has to be a winner!

[joeruby]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman.

Being a big shot lawyer, he thinks he's smarter, and has a better education than the lowly cop..

The cop asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The cop responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," says the cop impatiently.

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

The cop says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."

The lawyer steps out and the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

The cop says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"