EAR: When the other half arks up.

[El Presidente]

EAR: Email Assistance Required. 

 

I will throw this one over to you fine folk. My thoughts on the subject are well known...albeit there are probably less drastic solutions 

 

"......we were married in 2015 and ***** never once complained about my cigar smoking when we were dating or engaged. I smoke about four cigars a week and while ***** never encouraged it, she never berrated it. . Then she went on a health kick in January of this year and all that changed. She has become intolearable with the constant verbal barrage to the point that it has become a serious issue in our relationship. 

 Can you kick it around the forum as others must have gone through with it ? I would really appreciate some serious feedback on the best way to handle the situation. For obvious reasons I didn't want to post this up myself!
 

[Fuzz]

Noise cancelling headphones?

[El Presidente]

I have low tolerance in these situations 

Maybe a touch extreme. 

[NSXCIGAR]

Assuming you'd be unhappy and resentful giving up cigars tell her it's not negotiable and to drop it. And no passive aggressive BS after. Door's over there if you don't like it. If she leaves you over that then it was going to be something else down the road. 

BTW, this is not the answer I would have given 10 years ago. I'm wiser now. 

[MrBirdman]

A few thoughts

First, assuming you aren’t smoking in the house or around her, recognize that her protests are motivated out of concern for the health of someone she loves. 

That said, choices about our health are ultimately ours to make.

I suggest acknowledging to her that you understand and appreciate the love she demonstrates by caring for your health. Then take some time to explain your position - presumably you know about the health risks and have calculated that they’re worth it for the enjoyment cigars bring. You can also point to the studies which show cigars having a negligible impact on mortality at the rate you smoke. 

If that fails, explain that by stressing you out she’s forcing you to smoke even more cigars to balance things out 😉.

 

[...]

Impossible to provide definitive answer with too little information but if my partner turned out to be a completely different person all of a sudden, I'd consider my options. Better to divorce early than late

 

 

[Hammer Smokin']

i'd start by trying to reason. 

but to consider divorce over smoking cigars. 

not in a million years. 

they are just cigars. 

[jakebarnes]

I think there is a compromise in there somewhere. Maybe agree that while cigars are your respite, you will do more walks/workouts/etc and such. Maybe even cut to 2-3 cigars a week. 

[Ford2112]

Just tell her to shut up,be a man !!! (I live alone)

[NSXCIGAR]

40 minutes ago, Hammer Smokin' said:

i'd start by trying to reason. 

41 minutes ago, Hammer Smokin' said:

but to consider divorce over smoking cigars. 

Well, that would be on her. And if she does, as I said, tomorrow it will be something else. 

2 hours ago, MrBirdman said:

presumably you know about the health risks and have calculated that they’re worth it for the enjoyment cigars bring

I suppose in the spirit of true concern regarding health fine, send her the study showing moderate cigar smoking is harmless. https://cancercontrol.cancer.gov/sites/default/files/2020-08/m09_1.pdf

And that's all I'd do. 

[Frinkiac7]

Health kick? What does she want? Nicotine: improves concentration, mental stamina, funnels blood flow for superior athletic performance. Tobacco use boosts your testosterone levels (fact). Who do you think lived a healthier lifestyle: pre-Columbian Tainos who lived in a state of nature and smoked the cohiba regularly or your modern "health nut" obsessing over weird science and trying to game an extra 18 months out of this mortal coil? Give me an effing break.

[ayedfy]

Let me get a controversial anathema statement out of the way early: sometimes it’s ok to stop doing things if it upsets someone we love. I love my wife more than I love cigars and **if she had a valid reason and communicated it respectfully**, it’s not unimaginable that I might give them up for her.

Now the nuance: of course we don’t know much about this specific situation and we only have one side of the story, but the picture it paints is not pretty. Verbal abuse? A seeming unwillingness to dialogue, unwillingness to include our cigar smoker here in the decision? Ultimatums etc? That’s a relationship problem much bigger than anything to do with cigars - you could cut them out entirely and follow her down every step of the health journey but the core dysfunction in the marriage will remain and go unaddressed.

I don’t care how trivial such a demand could be under these circumstances, whether it’s a demand to stop cooking with grapeseed oil or stop wearing blue-coloured socks - such a dictatorial approach should be kindly but firmly resisted.

Any disagreements within a marriage should be able to be discussed with both parties feeling like their perspective is being heard, both parties having sympathy to the other’s concerns, and both parties having a genuine desire to heal the conflict in a way that is satisfactory for both. If that isn’t occurring here, they need to find a way to get there, whether through couples counselling or other deliberate attempts to strengthen their relationship.

The cigars aren’t the problem facing this marriage - they’re just a smokescreen! Don’t make any decisions regarding cigar smoking until the marriage is in a place where such decisions can actually be made freely.

[Ken Gargett]

say nothing. just leave the business card of a family lawyer on your bedside table (no doubt, being female, she snoops). 

if that doesn't work, do up a list of her ten most annoying habits and agree to give up cigars at home if she stops all ten. at which time you will need the family lawyer's business card. 

[Edicion]

[BrightonCorgi]

Don't walk on egg shells about this.  Avoidance is going to make things work.  Take off the skirt and talk about it straight up with her. 

[DaBoot]

Let me guess, she’s about 30 yrs old at this point ..

if she has the balls to berate you, it is already over. Nothing you can do now. 
 

[Arctic Dude]

Some good advice here (don’t make it shallow)…

 

[BoxPSI_ed]

Although a totally different case, one of my friends went through something like this a few years ago. They agreed to not to have kids, she changed her mind two years into the marriage and put on the full court press. She threatened divorce, he drove her to the court house at that exact moment and she filled out the forms, relationship over. Two years later, she still doesn’t have kids…hmmmmm.
 

I am not saying run to the courthouse is the route to take as I don’t know all the facts involved. Sounds like there is more to unpack than meets the eye in this relationship.

Why now? Health kick? Dig deeper, you may or may not like her answer, but you owe it to yourself to find out the real reason. ASSumptions become facts when you don’t have open dialogue with each other.

We all have different opinions on what matters to each of us. Do what makes you happy despite who agrees or disagrees. YOLO!