Ken Gargett Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!" Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..........A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to various people, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Ken Gargett Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 from another mate .... A bloke checked into a hotel and very proud of his new shoes put them outside his door for cleaning. Later he heard a noise outside and checked. Found a cat ripping into his shoes and chased it off. Rang the manager and complained. Next morning manager knocks on the door, man opens it to see said manager holding a cat by the scruff of its neck. Is this the cat that chewed your new shoes? He asks.
Fuzz AI Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 from another mate .... A bloke checked into a hotel and very proud of his new shoes put them outside his door for cleaning. Later he heard a noise outside and checked. Found a cat ripping into his shoes and chased it off. Rang the manager and complained. Next morning manager knocks on the door, man opens it to see said manager holding a cat by the scruff of its neck. Is this the cat that chewed your new shoes? He asks. Sounds like something Rob would do...
Ken Gargett Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 Truly awful Cheers Ken. G there is no such thing as a bad pun but there are plenty of really awful ones.
Munts Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 This is a classic one... A frog goes into a bank, and hops up to the loan officer. The loan officer says, "My name is Patrica Wack. Can I help you?" The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to borrow some money." The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says, "Okay, what's your name?" The frog says, "Kermit Jagger." The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?" The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad." The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummm...do you have any collateral?" The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do?" The loan officer says, "Hmmm...I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager." The frog says, "Oh, tell him I said hi. He knows me." The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but there's this frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm not ever sure what it is." The manager says, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Munts Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Shelock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business one day, when the uncovered an amazing painting. At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if you looked closer, you could see that it was a very surreal painting: The tree's trunk was actually made of fire, and it's branches were made of ice, clouds and earth. "What is it?" asked Watson in awe. "It's an element tree, my dear Watson," said Holmes.
cigcars Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 A lady opens her refrigerator and finds a squirrel inside. "What are you doing in my refrigerator!?" she asks. "This is a Westinghouse isn't it?" asked the squirrel "Yes," she said "Well, I'm westing!"
CaptainQuintero Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Vet prices are horrendous nowadays, my neighbour is an old woman who's cat fell ill last week. SHe took it in and told the vet that it just wasn't being itself, wouldn't eat or anything. The vet had a good look, felt around the cat's stomach and checked it's eyes and said: "Sorry but it's just old age nothing is going to get better, the best thing for your cat is to put it to sleep." Mortified the woman asked the vet if there was anything else he could do, he replied there wasn't and said it would be £50 to put her cat to sleep. Feeling even worse she refused and asked for a second opinion, the vet shrugged his shoulders and left the room. A few minutes later a golden labrador pads into the room and seeing the cat walks over and sniifs the animal, seeing the cat nothing bothering to move it turns back around and lopes off. A few mintues after that a ginger tabby cat walks in and makes straight for the woman's ill pet. Again the woman's cat ignores it and eventually the tabby cat leaves. Five minutes later the vet come back in and says: "Sorry but I've been having a talk with my collegues and there just isn't anything else we can do." Sadly looking at her pet the woman gives in and nods her head. "It's for the best" The vet says "That will be £250 if you want to go and settle up with the front desk." "WHAT?!" The woman bursts out between sobs. "It was £50 twenty mintues ago!" "Yes it was." Replied the vet. "That was before the cat scan and lab report."
dvickery Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 this thread just proves... a bun is the lowest form of wheat. derrek
Ken Gargett Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 Shelock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business one day, when the uncovered an amazing painting. At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if you looked closer, you could see that it was a very surreal painting: The tree's trunk was actually made of fire, and it's branches were made of ice, clouds and earth. "What is it?" asked Watson in awe. "It's an element tree, my dear Watson," said Holmes. somewhere there is a sherlock holmes based pun that won best pun ever or something like that. it is an absolute cracker (not that yours isn't) but i am buggered if i can find it. if you have any more holmes puns (homespun?) please bring them on. and i loove the frog one but i can't even think about it without kerry o'keeffe's cackle.
Munts Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Ken sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Fuzz AI Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 What is the difference between a pun and a fart? One is a shift of wit, the other....
Fuzz AI Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 A thief attempted to steal paintings from the Louvre in Paris, but was caught 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. All the thief could say for himself was, "I had no MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH. But I tried for it anyway because I had nothing TOULOUSE!" I’ve been reading something very interesting Stephen Hawking’s latest book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down. Thanks to fossils, archaeologists have been able to determine that there once a genetic mutation millions of year ago, causing the creation of a five-legged dinosaur.As far as we know, this is the first evidence we have ever seen of a reptile dysfunction.
cmcompto Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that . . . Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Ken Gargett Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that . . . Only Hugh can prevent florist friars. i actually deleted that one because i thought it might not just be awful but possibly bad.
cottierm Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Found on another forum (to say that I like the guy who provided the 'answer' would be a stretch of the imagination but I have to admit that his comment made me laugh): Q: "Hi everyone. My wife went to Costa Rica, her home town and brought me back 1 box of Cohibas Esplendidos but the box has a glass top. Can they be real? She also brought back a box of Romeo Y Julieta Churchill. I haven't opened the box yet. How can I tell if they are real or not. Thanks." A: "Depends on the type of glass top. The fake glass tops use plexiglass. The real glass tops use Gorilla glass, which is virtually unbreakable. So the only way to test these glass tops is to take a sledge hammer to your box. If the sledge hammer smashes the box to bits and crushes the cigars, they where fake, and no loss. If the sledge hammer bounces off and hits you in the forehead with such force as to erase your memory, they are real. Trying to remember if they are real is the tough part. So just keep repeating the sledge hammer test." Best, Michel
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