First Lady Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry ' s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest... The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer stun gun. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. Loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I ' d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn ' t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I ' m looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ' no possible way! ' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I ' ll do my best ... I ' m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don ' t do it stupid, ' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn ' t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!! I ' m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to ' mug ' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, as my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I ' m still looking for my testicles and I ' m offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.s... My wife can ' t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !! (If only this was a video )
terrantheman Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 OMG! I think I just messed my shorts, nice one Lisa!
kiwiman911 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Thank you so so much for this It took me 5 times to get to the end of the story, My wife came in because I was laughing so hard the cat just ran out of the room in fear had to stop because I could't see because of the tears in my eyes The humand (should say male)stupedity will never stop to amaze me thanks for the ''lolrotf'' laughing out loud rolling on the ground
ajgagnon Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 My wife laughed as hard as I did... holy smokes.
laficion Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Great one Lisa And now, to finish the act, his wife came in the house and before seeing the hubby, she saw some pieces of small meat on the floor, picked it up and threw it in the bin thinking it was some cat food, now ,2 weeks later, she finds out that it was part of his testicles. OH well, life is a *****.
tmac77 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Brilliant Lisa had to take a break halfway though from laughing so much...the wife also.
adic88 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 LOL Lisa is right, only MAN would be dumb enough to try something like that...
asudevil08 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 haha great post - I was hoping the cat would get some action!
cigcars Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 On the job in Atlanta (with the cops on the MARTA transit force) I saw young cops in training get given a small hand-held tazer and at least 2 want to try it on themselves per class - although just on the arm and not with the results described here. It was a case of "what were you thinking?" when they did it and watch the whole arm jerk back like caught on the end of a tethered horse suddenly taking off at break-neck speed! The only other thing we did when much MUCH younger was find those Devil's Hell hot peppers, take the seeds out and chase people around the vicinity, hold them down and put it in their mouth...WWWWOWWWWW!!!!!!! My brother got held down by me and another guy, we pushed it in his mouth - he spit it out and it landed in this guy's eye!! It's a wonder nobody ended up in the hospital!!
CanuckSARTech Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 cigcars said: On the job in Atlanta (with the cops on the MARTA transit force) I saw young cops in training get given a small hand-held tazer and at least 2 want to try it on themselves per class - although just on the arm and not with the results described here. It was a case of "what were you thinking?" when they did it and watch the whole arm jerk back like caught on the end of a tethered horse suddenly taking off at break-neck speed! The only other thing we did when much MUCH younger was find those Devil's Hell hot peppers, take the seeds out and chase people around the vicinity, hold them down and put it in their mouth...WWWWOWWWWW!!!!!!! My brother got held down by me and another guy, we pushed it in his mouth - he spit it out and it landed in this guy's eye!! It's a wonder nobody ended up in the hospital!! I'm NOT looking forward to this aspect of training. Exposure and work-through training with OC, tear gas, and Tasers. Definitely not going to be my favourite days of class.
Habanakane21 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I don't see what's so funny when "testicles" are being harmed! But the shitting his pant...that was hilarious! LOL
mkz Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 A man might try it on himself. But if it was a woman, she would shurely try it on her man.
danclough Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 In his defense, guys like this are why we know which mushrooms are edible and which are poisonous.
CBL Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Love this story! I must admit I'd probably be tempted to try it out as well
JohnnyC Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 LIsa....your the MAN Bad choice of words Queen Lisa you ROCK
cigcars Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 CanuckSARTech said: I'm NOT looking forward to this aspect of training. Exposure and work-through training with OC, tear gas, and Tasers. Definitely not going to be my favourite days of class. ***You'll be alright, CanuckSART. Just remember a wise old saying; "All things are less dreadful than they seem"!
investandprosper Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Haha! I was just thinking that he wouldn't be able to let go if he tazed himself ... and he did. That guy's a smart one, he is!
scinmyheart Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 great one! that does not surprise me, though...people will do just about anything these days
Montaigut Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 This has got to be an urban legend... NOBODY is that dumb, aren't they??!! Even a man?
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