EAR: relationships and cigars

[El Presidente]

EAR: Email Assistance Required

"Alright, one for the forum.

I love this place and I love cigars. Been smoking and collecting since my early 20s. I’m 30 now, and my girl,been together 6 years,deserves a ring on her finger already. But here’s the kicker: she hates cigars. Hates the smell, hates the boxes (Thankyou!), just flat-out doesn’t get it.

We’ve let it slide for years, but now it’s coming to a head. So tell me, FOH,how the hell do you guys handle this? I can’t be the only schmuck in this situation. I love her, but I love my cigar time too. How do I figure out a way forward without losing one or the other?"

 

Over to you good people.  I have a loving wife fully supportive. Still.  

[griller]

Wow... tough one.

Is said lady "laying down the law" and making cigars a take it or leave it proposition? Or, is she just annoyed that cigars (and all things she associates with cigars) are your passion? If the former, then I'd say the relationship could be fragile long term. Eventually, her controlling nature will pivot to some other aspect of your life and you'll eventually resent her for it. Maybe approach her & try to tactfully understand her true issue with you and cigars and work from there...

If the latter, then I'd say you're fine just keep cigar activity separate from your time with her. Over time (and if the relationship continues to develop in positive way), she'll probably (and slowly) grow more comfortable with you having your cigar passion since you're respectfully acknowledging that she's not a fan but you're also keeping it "out of her face" so to speak. My wife (started as girlfriend in 1999, married in 2002) didn't get the "cigar thing" early on but she loved me & I didn't go out of my way to offend or put the passion at the front of our relationship. Over time she grew to appreciate the pleasure & relaxation smoking cigars gave me, which was good for her because I had a way to keep the asshole in me from raging after a tough week (and didn't include a bottle of vodka) LOL. Now she will mention if she likes how my cigar smells, etc. 

I guess in the end, if you have the right lady she'll want you to be happy more than pursuing her own happiness. If cigars give that to you, then she'll figure out a way to be happy with that and won't go out of her way to change anything. Just my opinion for what it's worth...

[BrightonCorgi]

I would not give them up for her. It is who you are before you met her. She'll move on to the next habit or routine after that. 

Define boundaries like not smoking in the house or concede no sex after a cigar (probably the case already). 

Hate to say it, but if this is a sticking point, there could be other issues at play too. Relationships are "give and take". I'm sure you can think of a few things you'd like her to change.  

FWIW, every girl I have dated and now wife were fine with cigars. I cannot be in a "walking on eggshells" relationship.  

[Li Bai]

1 hour ago, griller said:

Wow... tough one.

Is said lady "laying down the law" and making cigars a take it or leave it proposition? Or, is she just annoyed that cigars (and all things she associates with cigars) are your passion? If the former, then I'd say the relationship could be fragile long term. Eventually, her controlling nature will pivot to some other aspect of your life and you'll eventually resent her for it. Maybe approach her & try to tactfully understand her true issue with you and cigars and work from there...

If the latter, then I'd say you're fine just keep cigar activity separate from your time with her. Over time (and if the relationship continues to develop in positive way), she'll probably (and slowly) grow more comfortable with you having your cigar passion since you're respectfully acknowledging that she's not a fan but you're also keeping it "out of her face" so to speak. My wife (started as girlfriend in 1999, married in 2002) didn't get the "cigar thing" early on but she loved me & I didn't go out of my way to offend or put the passion at the front of our relationship. Over time she grew to appreciate the pleasure & relaxation smoking cigars gave me, which was good for her because I had a way to keep the asshole in me from raging after a tough week (and didn't include a bottle of vodka) LOL. Now she will mention if she likes how my cigar smells, etc. 

I guess in the end, if you have the right lady she'll want you to be happy more than pursuing her own happiness. If cigars give that to you, then she'll figure out a way to be happy with that and won't go out of her way to change anything. Just my opinion for what it's worth...

Perfect answer 👌

If he feels he has to choose then he should stick with the cigars, it will save him time.

[joeypots]

People in loving, long time relationships are flexible with each other. 

[Greenhorn2]

If she expects you to give up something that you truly enjoy in life, just to make her happy, then you probably aren't compatible to start with. If you're not happy in life, you can't make someone else happy either. This is something you need to discuss and rectify before you waste anymore time in your short life.

[Chibearsv]

Both of you have to be who you are. If either or both are expecting big changes, future disappointment is inevitable. If either or both have been hiding what they are, more disappointment is ahead. If you’ve been dating for 6 years, you must have been smoking cigars and she must have been tolerating them. That shouldn’t change or be expected to change.

 

[Ford2112]

Women. Can't live with 'em.

[Havanaaddict]

I guess I am lucky, my wife gave me a box of Diamond Crown cigars and a cutter for Xmas back in the mid 90s. And when I became a stay at home, Dad and she wanted a 2nd kid, I told her I wanted to convert a room in the house into a cigar lounge with ventilation and then I would be on board! She said yes, so yes life is about compromise give and take. What does she love expensive bags, shoes, tell her she can never buy one of them again. 👍 

[my happy place]

@griller answered this perfectly. The only thing I'd add is if you decide to give up the cigars for her, don't get rid of them yet. Pack them away in coolers/tupperware with boveda packs and use this as long term storage oppurtunity. She shouldn't have a problem with that, and if she does, then reread grillers response.

[El Niño]

I'm dating a nurse who hates my cigar smoking because of health concerns.  No matter how much I argued about the research, she wouldn't hear it. Then, I just told her how much that I appreciated that she's worried about me and my health, and that I could probably stand to smoke less. The tone totally changed. After that conversation and some time, she's opened up to the point she's even had a couple cigars with me. Her favorite it the Nudie Lancero!

The only thing I understand about women is that they need to be heard. (Men too, for that matter).

[Ford2112]

So on a serious note, if a woman is trying to change you,there is no compromise there. I would never give up cigars for someone, but I would try to come up with some sort of solution or compromise. If there is no solution or compromise to be had, and it is a cigar or me kind of deal,well that is your decision. I always hear the term happy wife happy life which I completely disagree with. Only we are responsible for our own happiness. 

Oh and one other thing. What would you miss most about this person if they were gone from your life? Would you be friends with a person like her or do you compromise yourself because you don't want to be alone or want those boobies? Self examination is involved here. 

[cnov]

2 hours ago, El Niño said:

I'm dating a nurse who hates my cigar smoking because of health concerns.  No matter how much I argued about the research, she wouldn't hear it. Then, I just told her how much that I appreciated that she's worried about me and my health, and that I could probably stand to smoke less. The tone totally changed. After that conversation and some time, she's opened up to the point she's even had a couple cigars with me. Her favorite it the Nudie Lancero! 

The only thing I understand about women is that they need to be heard. (Men too, for that matter).

Pardon?

[Ford2112]

6 minutes ago, cnov said:

Pardon?

Nah. Padron.

[Chibearsv]

2 hours ago, El Niño said:

The only thing I understand about women is that they need to be heard. 

I won't generalize - All the women I know need to talk, my wife included. Generally, she doesn't care if she's heard by me because I might actually respond. 😁

 

[Garand]

I don’t know, it seems like there may be some other problem there, don’t you adjust to these sort of things in a relationship? 

[chasy]

If she sucks, bail. If she's just difficult at times help her understand that this is something you enjoy and it's important to you. Ask her if it really truly matters to her. My guess is it doesn't. My wife wasn't crazy about cigars, but she knows I like them and she's fine with it.

Pro tip - if there's a male actor, athlete, politicians, singer, etc who smokes cigars and your wife is a fan of, let her know... My wife grilled me about using snus, until I pointed out that someone she really admired was a big snus user. She instantly let it go!

[dicko]

Probably compromise and join a cigar club (if possible) or smoke outside or even offsite. But if she won't even allow a humidor in the house or let you buy them etc that's unreasonable imo. There are many fish in the sea (as wonderful and unique as I'm sure your lady is) but only one glorious cigar hobby! I had a very polite but firm conversation with my now wife about cigars very early on in our relationship - "these are important to me, they are a wonderful thing and have minimal (or no) health consequences however I am happy to respect your space and I will smoke outside or in garage". She accepted that and she is a big supporter of my interest now and indeed even enjoys the occasional puff or two of a cigar. I think her seeing the social element helps. I've made many good friends from cigars. I hope that helps.

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[gormag38]

18 hours ago, chasy said:

If she sucks, bail.

......on the contrary. 😉😆

Jokes aside, I certainly think there is room for a compromise. Keeping her away from the smoke, making sure you're showered/teeth brushed before getting close to her after you're done smoking etc. would be great first steps (if not already taken). If she gives you an ultimatum I'd drop her, I agree with the others that it would only be a matter of time before she shifted her focus to something after cigars. 

[fidelito]

Should be an easy decision to take or leave it, anything to hop in the car with you favorite friend. They say, "if your wife doesn't like cigars, change your wife." You aren't there YET, but I've changed a wife or two yet am happy. I kept every OG box of cigars from Countries and companies that no longer exist (Davidoffs from Cuba to Bohekios from Haiti etc...) and outlived a couple of doctors who should have a had a cigar or two while they could make the choice. Up to you OP, for me if Taylor and Beyonce were both waiting in a private jet destined for heaven, I'd make 'em wait as I have ANY cigar with any old curmugeon in the backyard. I've made my choice and prefer women who want to suck my lips after a Lancero to savor the taste, not another hall monitor who restricts the 1 thing that provides pleasure.

[my happy place]

4 hours ago, fidelito said:

I've made my choice and prefer women who want to suck my lips after a Lancero to savor the taste not another hall monitor who restricts the 1 thing that provides pleasure.

Nicely stated.

[HellfirePeninsula]

I think much wisdom has been given already. I agree with the posters who say that this isn't about the cigars--it's about the relationship dynamic and control. There should be a way to get through it that isn't an ultimatum. You will have to compromise in some way, whether it be limiting your smoking to outdoors, no kissing after, whatever. In turn a healthy relationship should see her compromising a bit too. 

[Capn_Jackson]

I can’t relate, with regards to my wife, but have had girlfriends when I was younger who tried to shame me or even lecture me about cigars. With them, I always tried to explain that they were not going to change who I was and what I wanted to do with my time. I rarely smoked in front of them, and would brush my teeth, shower, etc, before a date. Ultimately of course, none of those relationships lasted, but it wasn’t because of cigars. Neither my wife nor I would ever try to change each other. She would never take a puff, it’s completely not her thing, but we used to go to cigar-friendly cocktail bars on dates. She likes me being happy, and enjoys watching me enjoy things, and it’s mutual. She appreciates the social aspect that comes with it, too, as she used to worry that I didn’t socialize much. She likes the aroma, but doesn’t usually want a kiss until after I’ve brushed/mouthwashed. I keep the smoke away from our girls if they’re playing on the back porch while I’m smoking, or rather I shoo the girls away from the smoke.

If I didn’t make those little efforts, and try to keep the sticks and smoke away from the girls, she might rightly complain, but I cannot think of one time in our entire relationship when she has complained about me smoking cigars. She did once about the boxes, but she’s absolutely right… there are far too many empty boxes littering our office/studio.

[JY0]

My wife hates it too but she loves me more. Run.

[Stevieboy]

There may be trouble ahead...