Ken Gargett Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 from a mate. some are good. FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH: 1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR. 2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. 3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, THEN WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? 4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. 5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE. 6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? 7. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? 8. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? 9. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?" 10. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? 11. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? 12. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? 13. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM? 14. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED? 15. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? 16. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT? 17. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK ATMs? 18. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS? 19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? 20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. 21. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute) 22. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY? 23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? 24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? 25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY? 26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? 27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT? 28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"? 29. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? 30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON YOGURT? 31. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED? 32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordAnubis Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. 19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? 27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT? 31. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED? 32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD? Ahahah these ones were my favourite !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
potpest Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I'm going to have to remember some of these for the right moment. Fantastic stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
... Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Thanks for sharing Ken! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SmittyinAZ Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Perfect for first thing in the morning. Thnx man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puros Y Vino Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? Toilet Paper? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bernardini Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Definitely will be using some of these. Thanks! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garbandz Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 17. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK ATMs? 5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE Wry................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
earthson Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 As per #30, I invite all FOHers to buy some yogurt and leave it in their fridge for 6 months and then get back to me. Seriously, though, some golden oldies along with new pieces of wit here! Thanks, Ken! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drguano Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. Then why does he only come once a year? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baldy Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. Then why does he only come once a year? Viagra should be used in moderation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iahawk36 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 That's good stuff!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
... Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. Then why does he only come once a year? Poor dude needs the rest. He might be coming only once a year but he goes through all of these bad girls' chimneys in a single night! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lotusguy Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 As per #30, I invite all FOHers to buy some yogurt and leave it in their fridge for 6 months and then get back to me. Seriously, though, some golden oldies along with new pieces of wit here! Thanks, Ken! Golden Odlies indeed - I think I first saw this in 2003... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jazzboypro Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Cool stuff indeed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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