The Trickiest (Funniest/Sadest) situation you have got yourself while in Cuba?

[El Presidente]

So what is the "Trickiest" situation (funniest/saddest) situation you have got yourself into while in Cuba?

I have to say that over the years I could write a book on such situations!

One of my favourite stories occurred only 300 meters from the Nacional hotel where i an 5 mates were staying. In the space of 300 meters at 4am I had to pay bribes 3 times in order to get my troupe of Aussies mates home and away from a night at the local lock up.

This is how it went down

We had had a great night out at a nightclub just outside of Old Havana. There was me, PJ, Matty, Hutley, Macho and Sal.

The nightlub was Closing and so we naturally thought it best to get a cab and another drink near the Nacional hotel in order that we could walk home. There is a bar down the hill from the Nacional near the intersection (heading in the direction of Old Havana). That was quite a notorious corner back in those days as late at night it was known as the corner where Mute Jinteras (prostitutes) plied their trade.

The bar/nightlcub itself is nondescript but a rocking place for the last drinks of the night. Close to 4am I called to finish last drinks as the next day was a packed one. I am the sensible one on tour

leaving the bar/nightlcub, the corner was buzzing with tourists trying to negotiate pricing with the mute jinteras. It was a sad sight. Sadder still was a rather rotund tourist trying to negotiate nocturnal pursuits for $5 USD. The young woman was in tears, she turned away, he grabbed her arm, it got heated......one of my party stepped in.....it got heated, and then my mate goes and clocks the grub on the chin knocking him to his knees.

Local police patrolling the street were there in seconds. My mate appeared to be a few minutes from being arrested but I managed to talk some sense with the policeman to the tune of 25 USD. I am th only one in our group who actually spoke Spanish. Most profess to after midnight.

I gave my mate a dressing down and we crossed the intersection. The Nacional grounds were only across the road and up the hill...we are sweet ....or so I thought.

As we crossed the intersection the two of my other Jibbering mates who are also electricians (Sparky's) were working on the light post trying to take a close look at the "unique" Cuban wiring. They were halfway up the pole. Two Police were at the bottom of the pole.

I managed to explain that they were drunk (not hard to convince), harmless and that i was taking them home. I offered to pay their fine there and then and promised no more trouble. The "fines were $20 USD per copper. My sense of humour was quickly diminishing

While I was paying the coppers, the others had started walking up the road to the nacional......only that two of them had stopped to urinate in a garden.

The police got there just before I did. It was Pj, Matty and Sal.

The police told them in Spanish to Stop immediately. They persisted.

The police asked them to stop again ...this time more forcibly.

Now prudence suggests that they would stop, they would apologise and we would finally get home......but No!

Matty yelled first " RUN TO THE NACIONAL FOR DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY!" He and Sal bolted up the street.

PJ continued to urinate. He turned his head to police officer and said "mate, I don't speak Spanish but you obviously have never seen such a big cock on a white man before" . To put PJ in perspective, he is a great mate of mine with all the physical attributes of an Umpa Lumpa.

I talked it through with the officers and agreed to pay $50 USD in fines and got back to the Nacional to meet up with the other geniuses having mojitos in the courtyard.

400 meters .....1 hour.....$105 USD.

[bradbrennan]

Damn...that seems like a lot of drunken behavior for only $105

[Jeremy Festa]

Excellent

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Lasabar]

Amazing story and awesome mates!

[Rye]

What a bargain! I can't wait to get my ass to Cuba

[helix]

Pretty fair amount of debauchery for only a C note.

[Ken Gargett]

you might have added that the only sane member of that trip had left the lot of you idiots to your own fate.

the language 'barrier' has been fun. especially when your 'mate' lets you down by scoffing truckloads of sleeping pills and rum, thinking they were anti-biotics and is not available to translate because he is slumped in the front seat gaga. and you can blame the wife all you like, for 'allegedly' putting sleeping pills in the wrong container but seriously?

matty in the lift with the asian women who were going to bean him with a baseball bat. matty at the restaurant trying to order no ice. pretty much matty anywhere.

macho taking three trips to catch a bonefish and then insisting on a casting competition in the grounds of the hotel nacional only to come up against the one good cast i made in about four years. and the whinging that followed. macho losing his wallet on day one with all his wads of cash. macho losing his gear at the airport. macho losing his tickets. macho losing everything any time.

solo, sitting with a cuban family and trying to be so polite as i was under the impression they were serving me dog. long story.

pulling a camera out in the carpark of a hidden cockfight way outside of havana - they had told me i would be able to take photos but they had not told me that everyone from dodgy ex russian guards to huge cuban bouncers would descend on me if i did in the car park. their logic being that there were "official cars" from government officials in that car park and they may be traced back and then those blokes were in serious crap. the fact that i might take photos of those actual officials in the crowd around the ring seemed to escape them.

non cuba, the run in with the KGB off red square and being hauled off a truck in zaire - i thought because the soldiers had wisely recognised me as the most responsible person blah blah etc who could help with documentation and answering questions etc. i was soon to find out it was because they wanted to check me against the photos in their book of wanted criminals.

[Moogypug]

Amazing story!

[CUBANO]

Amigos, you'll are full of excitement. Looking forward to it.

[BradNC]

Pres, I need to hear more! Perhaps a video telling the classics?

[Strada]

I remember a certain night where "someone" was pretty damn intoxicated, in a certain red salon in Hav, and tried and smoked a 1966 backward... Yes, the fire side on the lips as a group of, totally sober, gents stood in ahhh like " No way he's going to do it "

[DrunkenMonkey]

Rob, I hope you do write that book. Awesome story.

[El Presidente]

1. Our leading Aussie property developer at the time giving Don Alejandro Robaina his business card and telling the good Don to look up his website if he is in the market for a unit.
2. The same property developer who I convinced that "Yo soy un maricon" was a very special way of saying thank you....but to be used sparingly. He dropped it in his speech after a days fishing to a half dozen Cuban fisherman we had been drinking rum with at a beach shack in Zapatta (Bay of Pigs). You could hear a pin drop. For those that don't know...it means "I am a sodomiser".
3. After a night out, Hamlet using a power pole to stop his car. We were stopping to pick up more wine.
4. Graeme throwing a chair at the rent a car operator after waiting 2 hours for two cars. I was negotiating a payment to make it run smoothly. Graeme found the necessary shortcut.
5. Graeme driving out in the middle of nowhere while we were fishing to pick up some cases of beer. Came back with beer and two stunning ladies. They stripped off and started swimming in the turquoise waters around us. We all dropped rods. All except ken who got up Graeme and the lasses for disturbing the fish.
6. Dinner with the local drug dealer king pin. We didn't know at the time. Strangest night of my life.
7. ken trying to impress his friend by buying her son "Fernando" (her 5 year old son) a gift. It would be more impressive if he took the time to realise his name was Federico.
8. being stalked by a woman with a full mustache at an ex KGB resort in Giron.She was a member of staff. Eveytime I thought I was safe, Ken would seek her out and let her know where I was. It resembled the chase scenes of the Benny Hill Show.
9. Being pulled over on a long trip out of Havana by a copper who wanted a lift home to matanzas. we tried to make conversation in the car. He reached over from the backseat of the car, gave us a cassette to play and told us to shut up for the rest of the trip.
10. Setting up a mate with a transvestite when he couldn't get a date for one of our parties.

There are a hundred more!

ACDC's lyrics are appropriate

Ridin' down the highway

Goin' to a show

Stop in all the byways

Playin' rock 'n' roll

Gettin' robbed

Gettin' stoned

Gettin' beat up

Broken boned

Gettin' had

Gettin' took

I tell you folks

It's harder than it looks

[Ken Gargett]

• Our leading Aussie property developer giving Don Alejandro Robaina his business card and telling the good Don to look up his website if he is in the market for a unit. TRUE
  
• The same property developer who I convinced that "Yo soy un maricon" was a very special way of saying thank you....but to be used sparingly. He dropped it in his speech after a days fishing to a half dozen Cuban fisherman we had been drinking rum with at a beach shack in Zapatta (Bay of Pigs). You could hear a pin drop. For those that don't know...it means "I am a sodomiser". TRUE and the funniest thing anywhere, on any trip.
  
• After a night out, Hamlet using a power pole to stop his car. We were stopping to pick up more wine. BETTER IS HAMLET PRETENDING TO RUN OUT OF PETROL AS AN EXCUSE TO HIS WIFE AS TO WHY HE DIDN'T GET HOME TILL 4AM AND SO SYPHONING PETROL OUT OF HIS CAR WITH A PIECE OFF HOSE. NO ONE HAD TOLD HIM NOT TO SWALLOW. ALL DAY THROWING UP AND HS WIFE HAD NOT NOTICED HIM MISSING.
  
• Graeme throwing a chair at the rent a car operator after waiting 2 hours for two cars. I was negotiating a payment to make it run smoothly. Graeme found the necessary shortcut. TRUE BUT IF YOU RECALL, THE PROBLEM WAS WE'D GOT THE FIRST CAR AND WE COULD HAVE THE SECOND, ONLY IF WE GAVE BACK THE FIRST - EVEN THOUGH WE'D ORDERED AND PAID FOR TWO.
  
• Graeme driving out in the middle of nowhere while we were fishing to pick up some cases of beer. Came back with beer and two stunning ladies. They stripped off and started swimming in the turquoise waters around us. We all dropped rods. All except ken who got up Graeme and the lasses for disturbing the fish. TRUE BUT ALSO NOT TRUE. I WAS PISSED AT MANUEL CONNING US (FOR US, READ YOU) AND WASTING 3 DAYS. THO HE WAS GOOD FUN.
  
• Dinner with the local drug dealer king pin. We didn't know at the time. Strangest night of my life. HOW IS THE FAMILY?
  
• ken trying to impress his friend by buying her son "Fernando" (her 5 year old son) a gift. It would be more impressive if he took the time to realise his name was Federico. SERIOUSLY? THAT IS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE EVEN MADE THAT ONE UP. COMPLETE FABRICATION.
  
• being stalked by a woman with a full mustache at an ex KGB resort in Giron.She was a member of staff. Eveytime I thought I was safe, Ken would seek her out and let her know where I was. It resembled the chase scenes of the Benny Hill Show. OKAY, THAT MIGHT BE TRUE.
  
• Being pulled over on a long trip out of Havana by a copper who wanted a lift home to matanzas. we tried to make conversation in the car. He reached over from the backseat of the car, gave us a cassette to play and told us to shut up for the rest of the trip. TRUE
  
• Setting up a mate with a transvestite when he couldn't get a date for one of our parties. DO YOU HAVE NO SHAME? THE BROTHERS GRIMM COULD NOT MAKE UP CRAP LIKE YOU DO.
  
• AND MAY I POINT OUT, I HAVE PHOTOS. PHOTOS YOU DO NOT WANT ON ANY SITE. AND YES, I KNOW YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME TAKING THEM BUT AT THE TIME, YOU COULD NOT REMEMBER YOUR OWN NAME.
  

[Jeremy Festa]

Just gets better

[El Presidente]

• in the car. He reached over from the backseat of the car, gave us a cassette to play and told us to shut up for the rest of the trip. TRUE
• Setting up a mate with a transvestite when he couldn't get a date for one of our parties. DO YOU HAVE NO SHAME? THE BROTHERS GRIMM COULD NOT MAKE UP CRAP LIKE YOU DO.
• AND MAY I POINT OUT, I HAVE PHOTOS. PHOTOS YOU DO NOT WANT ON ANY SITE. AND YES, I KNOW YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME TAKING THEM BUT AT THE TIME, YOU COULD NOT REMEMBER YOUR OWN NAME.

I never said it was you!

[Ken Gargett]

I never said it was you!

NOR DID I.

i was simply defending your "mates" from your outrageous porkies!!

and it never happened. at least not on any trip i was on.

[RijkdeGooier]

Middle of the night driving through from Cienfuegos to Camaguey.

Around 02:30 I drove up the road at Cabaiguan, where there is a rondabout. Got stopped and asked by an officer to take a few mates of his in the general direction of Camaguey city. Fine get in, they went to sleep.

Around 03:30 driving from Ciego de Avila up to Florida, I got stopped by a few cops, telling me I missed their pal a KM's back and I was in serious trouble, for not stopping and so on and so forth..

I apologised, I had truly not seen them, but told him to talk to my mates in the back if they had seen him... Up to then they kept quiet and the other officer didn't see them. The look on his face when he saw I was riding with a car full of officers was priceless.

Needless to say; they let me go immediately...

[Ryan]

Great stories so far.

I have a few from over the years. Luckily I've already added a few of them here.

Getting my phone stolen then spending 5 hours the next day, on Hamlet's advice, in an interrogation room in a police station being convinced that my phone wasn't stolen but 'lost'

My favourite part, on coming to 'an agreement' with the police officer that he would write a report stating 'stolen', suddenly he had near perfect english

He says, "I've done you a favour, now I need you to do me a favour.."

Not wanting to obviously bribe I say, “Oh please let me buy something for your kids!”
“No, I do not want you to buy anything for my kids, I want you..to give me..money..now”.

That's how we came to agree his fee.

Of course the report said 'lost' anyway..

Full story

http://www.friendsofhabanos.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=114091&hl=%22iphone+5%22

The year before, at the Wednesday night event of the Festival, realising that I happened to be wearing the same gear as the dancers in the final show. I knew what I had to do.

With, it has to be said, a little "encouragement" from Stuart Fox. I think a sum of 5 cucs was mentioned, which I have yet to receive.

http://www.friendsofhabanos.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=109775&hl=belushi

Last year, staying with Hector Luis, I saw his neighbour weeding the rows of a field of tobacco seedlings with an ox and plough. Of course I had to have a go.

I've ploughed before, but not since I was a kid and that was with a tractor.

I thought I was going fine until Hector's neighbour starts screaming and Jose is waving his arms at me to stop.

I was ploughing fine but, walking behind, I was destroying the tobacco row on each side with each foot, I should have walked in the plough line but I must have been thinking that I didn't want to damage my nice neat work so I should walk feet apart instead! Made sense while I was doing it, but there may have been rum involved.

It was OK, I only destroyed about 80 yards of two rows of tobacco..

Ploughing

Jose inspecting my damage

I have more stories, some I can even share.

Very few places have I had more fun than Cuba. So sorry not to be going in November..

[dvickery]

in all the contries i have been to ... there are two rules i try to follow ... generally speaking they will keep you out of jail and (in some countries) keep you from getting murdered .

1) stay sober (after dark)

2) dont chase they local girls (after dark)

i realize you guys are in a (fairly) safe country ... try some of this sh!t in honduras gautemala nicaragua (some parts of)mexico, parts of south america and some eastern european countries and the bodies would never be found period . ( i have never been to asia)

lots of fun acting this childishly but not always acceptable everywhere .

sorry to be so serious

derrek

[AlohaStyle]

in all the contries i have been to ... there are two rules i try to follow ...

1) stay sober (after dark)

2) dont chase they local girls (after dark)

It was good seeing you around man, I wish you well. Just wanted to say some words before Rob bans you from his forum, lol.

[Nedule]

After reading the Prez's story I realize 2 things, 1- I'm very boring. I've had my moments in life & have even out run the cops multiple times & ony got caught once & even got away with it, but that's for another thread. 2 - I need to go back to Cuba & make a better story because my kinda lacks the umph.

It was the 2nd last day for us in Cuba & my wife & I were walking down the beach in Veradero. I noticed a very weird florescent blue balloon type of thing, my curiosity got to me & I pocked it with my feet. Any normal tropical beach goer would have know what it was. Anyways we keep on walking down the beach & my toes start to sting & intensifies each step & I tell my wife we need to back to the resort because my toes are on fire & might need to go to a doctor. So we get back to the resort, I pop a couple of advil & drink the residual pain away with some Havana Club & everything was fine by the end of the day. Once we got home I started to search the internet for what that thing was.

Man of war jellyfish. We don't get those in the north pacific ocean. Those f*#ckers hurt, can't imagine swimming into one.

[El Presidente]

That is a bluebottle here.

nasty stings on them. They come onto our local beaches when the Northerly winds blow in for a few days in succession.

I have been stung everywhere by them. Worst was while treading water out the back of the surf line when I misread the break point of a wave and two of the little buggers wrapped around my neck.

[Ken Gargett]

After reading the Prez's story I realize 2 things, 1- I'm very boring. I've had my moments in life & have even out run the cops multiple times & ony got caught once & even got away with it, but that's for another thread. 2 - I need to go back to Cuba & make a better story because my kinda lacks the umph.

It was the 2nd last day for us in Cuba & my wife & I were walking down the beach in Veradero. I noticed a very weird florescent blue balloon type of thing, my curiosity got to me & I pocked it with my feet. Any normal tropical beach goer would have know what it was. Anyways we keep on walking down the beach & my toes start to sting & intensifies each step & I tell my wife we need to back to the resort because my toes are on fire & might need to go to a doctor. So we get back to the resort, I pop a couple of advil & drink the residual pain away with some Havana Club & everything was fine by the end of the day. Once we got home I started to search the internet for what that thing was.

Man of war jellyfish. We don't get those in the north pacific ocean. Those f*#ckers hurt, can't imagine swimming into one.

yep, very very common here. with all the other crap that can kill you (look up box jellyfish or the really scary irukandji jellyfish), we don't worry too much about these.

i do remember one day when i was living down northern nsw next to the beach and could not work out why the guys fishing were in waders - it was mid summer. went down and found a line of bluebottles a foot wide and about four inches deep the entire length of the beach. millions had been washed up. swimming into that might not have been fun.

[PapaDisco]

I'll have to remember to take Prez on my next bender . . . and definitely remember to NOT let him fix me up with a " date!"