zuma Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 I am sure this will resonate with more than one of you... --------------------------- Description of common tools. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh s h --' SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to start the process of rounding off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of knuckle abrasions. PLIERS: Used to complete the process of rounding off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers completely round off bolt heads. They can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC JACK: A tool used for raising a car to change a flat tire that seldom fits under a car with a flat tire. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. WIRE CUTTERS: Handy for cutting wires and zip ties. Can also be used to determine the presence of electricity. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and fingers, but only while in use. Son of a ***** TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ken Gargett Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 read the title of this thread and thought it must be rob having a go at smithy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OZCUBAN Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 well done Zuma absolutely brilliant Oz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gfoster Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Yeah, I'd have to say you've got it spot on with these. -- Gary F. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samb Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 Lol, yep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anacostiakat Posted November 17, 2009 Share Posted November 17, 2009 I have sworn at many tools in my lifetime. I do not had a shed. . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellery Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Hahaha...whenever I tell my wife I am going to take on a project, she just looks at me and asks me how much is it going to cost after I give it a shot and then hire a professional to do it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jesuscookies Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 I LOL'd.... Good stuff! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doubleaay Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Haha great stuff! I especially like the floor jack and utility knife! I have way too much experience with both of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now