mkz Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I know these are older than Ken but they still make me laugh... Chuck Norris facts Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris is strong enough to punch through steel, yet gentle enough to cradle a new born baby to sleep. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f*cking Indian. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife. Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate the size and power of his actual pen*s. The result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
stargazer14 Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 ...and lets not forget - When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down. Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. and my favorite - Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
zuma Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Awesome stuff... The Greatest American Hero! When he decides to become president, it will happen... no need for elections.
mkz Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 Oh yea? Well, here are some Jack Bauer facts! Chuck Norris would kick Jack Bauers ass anytime!
Chaki Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Chuck Norris can run for President...but the President cannot run for Chuck Norris
FireDigger Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Many people tend to forget, Chuck Norris was killed by Bruce Lee. Chuck Norris didn't die, he just chose to fall asleep for a long ass time... LOL
jeromeroselli Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 chuck norris smokes cubans..... and by cubans i mean cuban people.
zxcvbnm Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 When Chuck Norris gets into a pool he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norrised.
audio1der Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 LOL I thought I was the only one left who thought these are funny; I use a Chuck Norris calendar at work to track my staff's vacations This month: "Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident and still managed to walk it off."
ChicagoWhiteSox Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Chuck and I buy the same brand of toilet paper
theholmesmob Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Type " find chuck norris" into google, hit the I'm feeling lucky search button and see what happens!
gerem Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Type " find chuck norris" into google, hit the I'm feeling lucky search button and see what happens! LOL....That's a good one Try it people.
zuma Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Type " find chuck norris" into google, hit the I'm feeling lucky search button and see what happens! That IS a good one!!
zxcvbnm Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 The U.S government trashed their idea of building a wall between the Texas/Mexico border and decided to just hire Chuck Norris. He killed so many Mexican immigrants from roundhouse kicks to the face that they now call him Carlos. No, but Chuck Norris' real name is Carlos???? That's like Jesus' name turning out to be Jimmy. Jimmy Christ. I'm hammered drunk.
mkz Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 Type " find chuck norris" into google, hit the I'm feeling lucky search button and see what happens!
Ken Gargett Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 The Link Between Chuck Norris & The NAZI Surrender not to rain on chuck's parade, but his birthday is the 10th of march, 1940. 10th march is not an auspicious date for a birthday - he shares it with james earl ray and osama bin laden.
Boosted Posted May 26, 2015 Posted May 26, 2015 My favorite Chuck Norris joke was always Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands, and after he left, they were renamed the Islands. 2
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