EAR: Cigar lunch etiquette

[El Presidente]

EAR= Email Assistance Required. 

 

"I hope you can guide me on this one Rob. Lunch appears to be one of your super powers !LOL!

"Catching up with cigar buddies is something that brings me so much pleasure. Unfortunately, when it comes to money I am the black sheep of the group. I teach music at the local elementary school, divorced with all that divorce brings. Super happy, super finalcially challenged. Cigars bring me reflection, comfort and ever since I fell into the local group 5 years ago, company. They started 8 months ago a last Saturday of the month lunch club at a local restaurant with an out door area for smokers. I went to the first three but simply can't afford the spend as the final bill is split between 6 to 8 in attendance regardless of what has been ordered. I started turning up post lunch for a cigar and company but it is awkward. Hard to explain why but it is. it is hard finding cigar buddies in my area and I don't want to drift from the group. I also don't want to share my circumstances with all. They know I don't earn a great deal. I don't want to make excuses or explain myself every month.  I assume you have come across cigar friends in similar circumstances. How do you/they handle it? Any guidance appreciated"

 

Over to you good people. I have replied and will post a little later. 

[Arabian]

Maybe he could talk to his buddies about how the bill should be spilt and hopefully they will understand his situation. Having an extra source of income may cover it? That comes to my mind. I know generosity is a big thing in the cigar community but this seems unfair to him.

[Nevrknow]

I went thru the same thing in my 20's. My boys stepped up. Now I'm on the other side and I step up when it arises. Same answer, tell them. It will work out and no one ( who is a true friend ) will say a word or act differently. If they do?.................well there you go.

[Ford2112]

I say be upfront and honest. People are good, by and large. I find by sharing of myself it brings people closer. I'm willing to bet it bothers the guy far more than the other people. 

[MagicalBikeRide]

Same as above. In their shoes, I’d just be honest and upfront. Decide what I’d like to do and then ask if that was ok (if I get on with these people, I’d assume the answer to be yes fyi). Very easy to get caught up in our own thoughts about how others perceive us - most of then time they don’t give a shite. 

[Phonics]

Been on both sides of this with different things...100% honesty is the best policy. Hopefully they understand and just chop more accurately. If any of them throw a fit, you probably don't want them as a buddy anyway. A great manager I had early in my career always said "it'll all even out" so there are times you're helped and times you help.

[Edicion]

Yep, same as everyone's mentioned, when it comes to the point of paying the bill just say sorry guys, do you mind if we just pay what we ordered ourselves, I'm going through a rough time financially and need to be budget conscious. I bet they'll let you pay what you ordered, and they will split the rest among themselves after you put in your part. Good luck and hope it works out. 

[KarlJ]

Maybe discuss changing up the venue now and then. Instead of a restaurant, meet at a park (assuming outdoor smoking is legal!). Or a friends patio, backyard, ect. Or really anywhere you all can gather and doesn’t cost money. Make it a “bring your own beverage.”

[Fuzz]

Yep, easiest thing to do is be upfront about your situation. If they are a good crew, they will understand. Nothing wrong with saying, "Look guys, I enjoy our get togethers, but I'm in a bit of a rough patch. Do you mind if I pay my own way for now?".

The cigar community come from all different walks of life, and are a fairly generous bunch. Sure you get your tossers here and there, but overall its all good. Reasonable people will understand your situation. If they don't, then it shows their character, not yours. Not everyone is rolling in Cohibas and sipping on Cristal, while their chauffeur is out front polishing their Maybach.

And the above suggestion of changing up the venue is also something worth exploring.

[Nevrknow]

26 minutes ago, KarlJ said:

Maybe discuss changing up the venue now and then.  Instead of a restaurant, meet at a park(assuming outdoor smoking is legal!).  Or a friends patio, backyard, ect.  Or really anywhere you all can gather and doesn’t cost money.  Make it a “bring your own beverage”

Best advice.

[Tunkat92]

I’ve been in this situation before, I get it. It can be embarrassing for lack of a better term. Just tell them your situation, if they do not accept find better friends. Do not let money define your life. If you are happy keep doing what you are doing and dont compare yourself to others.

[MickVanWinkle]

Agree with what’s been said.  Perhaps pull aside one of the group you are closest with and discuss.  If it were me, I’d be happy (and honored) to help navigate a solution to keep a friend around.  

[El Presidente]

You folk provide good counsel. Thank you 

 

"....so in short friends don't care. Be upfront, explain the situation "guys, as you know, I am can only pay my own tally". When you are upfront, you don't need to apologise to anyone and you need only explain once and that will be to those who are closest to you in the group. A good group has your back and looks after their own. Don't overread the situation, enjoy."

[gormag38]

Some great advice given from the posters above. My two cents would be much of the same; rip the band aid off and let them (or your closest friend in the group) know where you're coming from. Anyone worth a damn would totally get your circumstances/situation. 

I also like the change in venue idea too, maybe if one of the group members has a great outdoor/patio area for smoking you could alternate between there and the restaurant each month. Obviously you don't want to invite the group over to someone else's house but if it works into conversation you could ask if folks were interested in hosting. 

Again, as many have said, the cigar scene is 'mostly' full of generous, good people. Telling them your situation is the first (albeit hardest) step. 

[Dr vonPuffenberg]

Adding to the sage advice others have given, don't forget you can blame your ex-wife!  Tell them that she took you to the cleaners and you have to stay within your budget. These are your buddies, they'll understand that. 

Also, perhaps just attend every other month. The boys will be even more excited to see you after the missed gathering.

[BoliDan]

Seems like an insane way to split the bill. So, they wouldn't mind if if just started sticking my fork in their salad and entree since I'm forced to invest in their order? 

[Hammer Smokin']

Even with all the excellent advice, my personal experience is life will move this fella away from the group. Humans tend to congregate with those similar to them (just something that happens). Economics, next to culture, is the number one factor that tends to make groups congregate. 

I suspect economics will overtake culture as religion popularity globally reduces, and cultures continue to mix. Vastly different economics almost never mix.