Popular Post El Presidente Posted January 11, 2024 Popular Post Posted January 11, 2024 Recently, a very close mate of mine was diagnosed with a difficult to treat form of organ cancer. Early stages (he found out just before Christmas), and there has been no apparent spread at this time. He will be operated on in the coming weeks and other treatments will ensue. It will take everything to go right to get through this one. No doubt some of you have gone through this challenge. I have had my own health issues 7 years back, but the challenge wasn't quite on this scale. So the question I have is what advice would you give to friends and family on how to interact with yourself during these difficult times. What lifted you, what did you try to avoid, what irked you, what made you smile. Reflecting back, How would you handle your own interaction with a friend who is going through what you went through. We are all likely to be in this situation throughout our lives be it as family/friend or the primary affected. I hope this thread ends up providing some form of pathway for members during these difficult periods. . 9 1 1
Popular Post benfica_77 Posted January 11, 2024 Popular Post Posted January 11, 2024 I think the best thing you can do is not to "treat" them as if you're sick if you know what I mean. They want to live as close to a normal life as possible, also just try and spend quality time with that person. Maybe go on a boys trip to a spot that brings back great memories. I wish your friend all the best and hope that he can overcome this hurdle! 7
Popular Post KCCubano Posted January 11, 2024 Popular Post Posted January 11, 2024 I am dealing with cancer myself right now. Had tumor removed in August but it has spread. Now on daily radiation treatments and one of worst cancer drugs on planet earth. My foul mood is a result of these drugs! I made peace with fact my time could be limited on this earth...I just don't want to have to go through hell to get to cigar heaven!! I'm used to it as have lost everyone in family except brother and sister to it. Bottom line is everyone deals with these situations differently. There is no right or wrong way. 5 6
Popular Post MagicalBikeRide Posted January 11, 2024 Popular Post Posted January 11, 2024 I enjoy spending time with good listeners. They pay due attention to our conversation, let me speak as needed, ask the right questions, provide the right reflections and when I’m going through something difficult - most importantly - the conversation is never about them. Never about their experiences. Never about their solution. Only about listening. Whether a physical illness or some other struggle or trauma, having good listeners around you is a positive. But on the flip side, being a good listener is much harder than we tend to believe it is. A skill worth learning regardless. Especially for scenarios such as you describe. I’ll have my fingers crossed for your friend. Best of luck to them. 6
Popular Post joeypots Posted January 11, 2024 Popular Post Posted January 11, 2024 Serious illness is private. Someone I was close to was very ill. I was close to but not in the inner circle. So, I was a frequent visitor and we had lots of phone calls but as the end got closer we communicated less. I think the best thing to do, and it’s what I think I’d like people to do with me, is to ask, “Want to chat?” they will let you know. And please, don’t ask a seriously ill friend, “How are you?” Something like, “How are you getting along today?” is much easier to answer. 5
Havanaaddict Posted January 11, 2024 Posted January 11, 2024 It may not be everyone’s cup of tea but Prayer is a mighty powerful thing and not to be underestimated. I’ve seen miracles happen in situations where there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Besides that sometimes it means everything to the person for you to show how much you care. Whether that be spending time with them, talking to them, listening to them and supporting them. 3 1
Popular Post 99call Posted January 11, 2024 Popular Post Posted January 11, 2024 On 1/11/2024 at 11:50 AM, El Presidente said: what did you try to avoid My best mate in the whole wide world, got a bladder cancer diagnosis a good 6 yrs ago now. Unsurprisingly he took it with good humour, and made is so easy to support him. Good people know how hard it is, to 'be the right way', or 'say the right thing'. There were many days, going out for drives and walks, trying not to treat him any differently, i.e. ensuring I ripped the piss out of him, as much as I always did. There were days of crying and consoling. The hardest thing I found was not trying to talk up, or accentuate the positive. Depending on who you're dealing with, I don't think people generally want their good friends to gaslight them with sugar-coated bullshit. If the news is good then that's great, but never try and weave shit into fairy dust. In going to see his specialist councillors, there was a women there who had asked him "have you received the gift yet?". Jesus!!! Incredibly ballsy thing to say to someone in fresh receipt of a cancer diagnosis, but he said he knew what she meant. It was that way.....counter intuitively, sun rises were brighter, he was seeing the world more clearly, everyone seemed to love him more lol!. But I think that's something to really hang on to, all the chats that were previously too hard, all the inhibitions etc, you are suddenly plunged into a depth of communication and insight that renders your previous friendship, looking rather limited and weak. It was indeed a gift in a way. I'm glad to say he's in been in full remission for a good 4 yrs now. He's still a massive prick, and a liability. Doctors can't cure everything. I wish your friend the very best of luck Rob. I'm sure he knows he's lucky to have you in the trenches with him. 5 3
Popular Post Capn_Jackson Posted January 11, 2024 Popular Post Posted January 11, 2024 This is a hard balancing act between staying positive and being real, between sharing jokes and sharing tears. I’ve lost some extremely close friends to various cancers, including a drinking and camping buddy who was like a big brother, nearly 20 years ago, and then a colleague who was one of my closest friends, last May. Both of them insisted that conversations remained light and casual. I wanted to tell them how much they meant and thank them for all the laughs and wisdom they had shared, but in both cases, they didn’t want to hear it. They certainly didn’t reject sentiments, but they smiled a little, said “thank you,” and quickly moved the conversation along to something more mundane or laid-back. These friends were both musicians, and so we would start jamming or just listen to something and enjoy the company, but there were many things left unspoken, and that’s just how it was. I used to think that if I were in their place, I would want to hear those sentiments more, but with the friend last May, Janice, I came to see that maybe their way was better, after all. If I’ve got a limited number of months, then weeks, and then days remaining, might be no better way to spend them than relaxed small talk and music. Everyone’s different, though. I think it best to just be there for them, in whatever way they need. 7 1
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