Comedy Weekend at Czars Central: Comp

[BuzzArd]

How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

 

A buccaneer.

[Jeremy Festa]

1 hour ago, magste said:

Back in the day Pan Am were recruiting flight attendants from different nations so they could communicate with passengers in their native language.

As part of the training the girls were presented with different scenarios they had to figure out solutions to. In one session there was an American, a British and a French girl participating.

The scenario they got was: your plane has crashed in the desert and you are the sole survivor. Approaching the wreck on horseback is a tribe of Arab's known for taking sexual advantage of western women. What would you do?

-I'd kill myself before they could get hold of me, said the British girl.

- I'd surrender and close my eyes and prepare for the inevitable, said the American girl.

The French girl looked puzzled..
- I understand the question, she said, but I don't understand the problem..

 

Wow

[joeypots]

How about a few from Rondney Dangerfield?

I'm ugly, I'm Ugly. I'm so ugly. You want to know how ugly I am? When  I went to the proctologist he stuck his finger in my mouth.

 

My wife is stupid. So stupid. You want to know how stupid she is? The other day she was making me french toast for breakfast and she got  her tongue  stuck in the toaster.

[Cigarsandmalts]

How the Amazon purchase of Whole Foods really went down:

Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.

Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.

Bezos: Crap.

[SignalJoe]

A few years back while driving to the deer lease I came around a bend in the road and saw a baby skunk.  I hit the brakes on the truck but I just couldn't stop in time.  When I came to a stop I looked back and saw the skunk was still alive but looked to be in rough shape.  I took the skunk and placed him in a cardboard box I had in my truck.  I gave him water and he was still alive when I came back from hunting, so I took him home.  The wife was a little leary about having a skunk in the house but understood I felt responsible for nursing it back to health.  So that night I brought the box in to our bedroom when my wife saw this she was somewhat less than thrilled.  

"You're not bring that in to our bedroom are you"  
"Well that was my plan" 
"What about the smell?" she asked

I said "I got used to it, I am sure he will too"

[poorman]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand 
Trekked a lonely caravan. 
Men on camels, two by two 
Destination---Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went, 
Met three whores in a pop up tent. 
They was three, and we was two, 
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. 

The redneck won hands down!

[zeedubbya]

In honor of Father's Day in US I have to put this up.  My 5 year old, 2 at the time.  May be a little confusing to International members.  I swear she wasn't coached on this.  Not a joke but funny still the same. 

 

[JC67]

 

 

Why do they bury terrorists 20 feet down instead of 10ft?

 

 

Because deep down they're`all good people

 

 

[polarbear]

A pirate walks into his favourite bar after many months at sea
He's got the whole garb, A peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch.
He walks up to the bartender and orders some Ale and the bar tender says
"wow mate, been a while since I've seen you. You've obviously been in some wars? The eye patch, peg leg and hook hand are all new. What happened?"

The pirate sips his ale and replies "ay, I've had a bad run these last couple months. Not long after I saw you last I was in a massive sea battle with the Navy and a cannon ball flew through my ship and took me leg clean off!"

"Wow", replies the bartender. "But, that explains the leg, what about the rest?"
"Ah" the pirate says. "After I'd recovered from my leg wound, the navy caught up to us again and there was another mighty battle. I went cutlass to cutlass with the commander or the fleet. I got the best of him in the end but it cost me my hand"
"Amazing" exclaims the bartender. "Its a might fine hook you've got to replace it though" 
"aye it is" laments the Pirate. "My bad luck didn't stop there", he added. "not long after my battle with the navy, my parrot flew away, and what's more, when I looked up to see where he was flying too he crapped in my eye!"
"Oh my, are you telling me that your own parrot crapped in your eye and that's how you lost it!?" asks the bartender
"Ah, oh, well, um... not quite... you see, its was my first day since getting the hook..."

[Warren]

Why do the elephants have big ears.

Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

[joeypots]

This has been posted before but it's an all time classic.

 

[kuma]

one day as i was driving along a rural road and it was not rainy but very foggy and misty and driving was somewhat

of a challenge.  As I drove all of a sudden I hear a "Whup" and it felt like I had hit something.

Got out of my car walked around it, got back in and backed up to where I thought I may

have hit something.  Nothing.  Next day I get a call from the local police dept.  They asked me if

I was driving on a certain road at a cetain time and place.  I responded that "yes" I was in

that rural area around the time they stated.  Well the police officer told me I had hit one

of farmer Joe's pig.  I told the officer that I could not find anything that I might of hit.

And anyway I said how did you know it was me that hit the pig?  The officer

said with a little smile that the pig had "squealled" on me!

 

kuma

[Habana Mike]

10 hours ago, Warren said:

Why do the elephants have big ears.

Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

Now I get it! 

[El Presidente]

 Great stuff all. 

Make your votes (Likes). Winner based on 3pm numbers as of 3pm today!

[srbbones]

Marilyn Monroe once went up to Albert Einstein and whispered:  "Let's make love.  Our child will have my looks and your brains!"

 

Albert turned her down (!) by saying:  "But what if the poor thing had my looks and your brains"

[feral]

Since you said cleanish I'll jump to the punchline.


....THE ARISTOCRATS!!!!!

[jat]

While there are many "...walked into a bar" jokes I like this for its Dad value.

+++

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

+++

[jwr0201]

Know it's late, but this is still a good one!

A young Kindergarten teacher addresses her class and explains they would have a show and tell for the afternoon.  With all the kids brimming with excitement, she holds up a shiny ripe red Braeburn and asks the kids what it is.  Hands fly up everywhere.  The teacher calls on little Suzie, “OK Suzie, what is this fruit?”  The swift reply is ”it’s an apple, teacher”.  “Very good, Suzie, come get your apple!”  
Next, the teacher holds up a bunch of round, ripe, purple Concords.  “Who knows what these are?”  Again, hands shoot up all around!  “Sally, what do you think?”  Sally replies that they are grapes!  “Very good, Sally, come get your grapes”.
Last item the teacher holds up is a small, foil wrapped pyramid chocolate candy.  “Who knows what this is?”  Nothing, not a single hand goes up.  Teacher is perplexed and asks again with not a single reply.  She calls on little Timmy to come up to her desk, unwraps the candy and puts it in his mouth.  “Timmy, do you know now?”  Still nothing!  The teacher decides to give the kids a hint…”it’s what your mommy gives your daddy just before bed at night”.
Suddenly little Tommy shouts out, “spit it out Timmy, that there’s a piece of ass!”

 

[El Presidente]

 

Fuzz wins it with 17    

Great work mate. I will shoot them out end of this week. 

Catch up with you at the State of Origin Finale!

 

It was a fantastic thread to read through!  We will throw it into the new Comedy Central section tomorrow. 

[Fuzz]

Thanks Rob! Those were some of my cleanest jokes, the rest, well they wouldn't have passed muster!

And thanks to everyone else who put up jokes. Some good classics, and a few I've never heard before.

[Fuzz]

Received my prize yesterday. Thanks Rob for putting on the comp! Will enjoy one next Wednesday when the mighty Blues put the cane toads in their place!

 

[westg]

On ‎17‎/‎06‎/‎2017 at 6:25 PM, Jeremy Festa said:

Wow

Yep