How are your NFL and EPL teams looking for the new season?

[El Presidente]

How are your NFL and EPL teams looking for the new season?

My Bucs should be better but the offensive line has all the structural integrity of wet toilet paper if the pre season game against Jacksonville is anything to go buy.

Man City flogged 3-0 by Arsenal overnight in a glorified friendly. Still they had better get their mojo together and stay in touch when the money months of January/Feb come around.

[Habana Mike]

So here's apparently the word on my team:

Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Atlanta Falcons

Some people are fans of the Atlanta Falcons. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Atlanta Falcons. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Your team: Atlanta Falcons

Your 2013 record: 4-12. Really dodged a bullet there. You and I were nearly saddled with the burden of having to watch Matt Ryan lose in the playoffs for the fourth year in a row! PHEW! Glad we didn't have to go though that exercise again. You know how analysts say a playoff game contains many "intriguing subplots"? This is not true when the Falcons play in a playoff game. There is no intrigue. There are no subplots. There is only one plot and that plot is, "How will they lose and how unwatchable can they make the process of losing?"

Your coach: Pinky-ring salesman Mike Smith. Hey, did you know that this team is on Hard Knocks this year, and that Hard Knocks is going on as we speak? You probably did not, because these are the Falcons and the Falcons are the C-SPAN of football. I was told the main highlight of the premiere was Mike Smith wearing amusing shower shoes. Jesus Christ. I've seen better-drawn characters on an episode of Dog with a Blog.

Whenever NFL Films shows up, there are usually a handful of players who talk extra loud because they know they're on film (Ray Lewis used to do this all the time). Watch that Hard Knocks premiere and you will see Roddy White and company straining to be telegenic, talking mild trash on the field and laughing WAY too loud, as if a director is standing behind the camera begging them for decent coverage. You people aren't CBS pregame show material yet.

Your quarterback: Matt Ryan. All this time we've been wondering if Joe Flacco is elite. Meanwhile, Matty Ice skates by, completely under-scrutinized when it comes to elite-itude. Here is Matt Ryan's game log from a season ago. Can you pinpoint where Julio Jones gets hurt? I'll give you a hint: It's somewhere before Ryan throws 15 picks in his last 10 games. OOPTY!

We need to spice up this Matt Ryan somehow. As of this moment, Ryan is made from pocket-passer boilerplate. If he's never gonna be quite as good as Aaron Rodgers or Drew Brees, he may as well compensate in some other way. I GOT IT! A bra …

We'll throw a bra on him. Now we're getting somewhere!

What's new that sucks: Oh hey, it's Devin Hester! Now you Atlanta folk will get to experience the joy of watching Devin Hester return two kicks for touchdowns and offer no other positive contribution. I wonder if, sabermetrically speaking, Devin Hester is really worth a roster spot if he brings only two or three good plays a season. Or are those IMPACT plays that coaches overvalue just because they look so awesome?

The Falcons were one of the worst defensive teams in football last season, so they attempted to fix that this offseason by getting rid of a bunch of random people (Asante Samuel, Thomas Decoud) and replacing them with a bunch of other random people (Tyson Jackson, Josh Wilson, Javier Arenas). But don't worry, Atlanta. The front seven still blows, so some things will feel familiar. Nose tackle Peria Jerry just retired at age 29 to help speed along the process of sucking.

Offensively, Ryan will be without Tony Gonzalez, who retired and immediately got a TV job because he is handsome and sounds good in that phony Tiki Barberish kind of way. Tony Gonzalez is the kind of former player whom TV producers salivate over without ever realizing that he has nothing interesting to say.

Draft-wise, the team added Jake Matthews at right tackle to help protect Ryan so that he can again achieve the towering adequacy that fans expect from Matt Ryan. I find the entire Matthews clan to be annoying: Bruce and Clay and the other Clay and still yet another Clay and now Jake. Football families are fu**ing irritating. The Falcons play the Packers on MNFthis season and I promise you that the entire game will consist of Jon Gruden ejaculating into his hair and screaming THIS MATTHEWS FAMILY THEY JUST LOVE FOOTBALL. The pregame interviews will also be unbearable. "Jake, how hard will it be for you to play against your cousin, who will probably play on the opposite side of the field the whole game? Oh, it's just business to you? OK then."

What has always sucked: As always, I will start here by disclosing that I am a Vikings fan, so fu** Atlanta eternally for the 1998 NFC title game.

No, really. FU** YOU. With a nail gun. God, we'll never be that good again. It still hurts. It hurts my essence. The Falcons ruin everything for everyone. They are the neighbor you feel obligated to invite to the party and you hope they don't show up to the party but then they DO show up to the party and you're like why the fu** did you come to my party? That's the Falcons every year.

I actually saw the city for the first time this year. Normal Americans like me usually only go to Atlanta for no other purpose than to endure a layover, but this time I actually left the airport and went into town! And in downtown Atlanta there was … nothing. Nothing at all. Apparently all the good parts of Atlanta aren't in, like, Atlanta Atlanta. They are in other Atlantas and thus are a two-mile, 158-minute drive away. Downtown Atlanta has an aquarium, a hotel, a McCormick & Schmick's, and 70,000 TGI Friday's. I don't even know if the buildings are real. The whole downtown may just be a set. I couldn't even find a donut joint. It was like Ebola had swept through the town years ago, instead of just this week. No wonder they did the Walking Dead premiere in that city. You don't have to change anything.

Greater Atlanta is a train wreck. Every street is named Peachtree. Traffic is asphyxiating. Half an inch of snow causes the sort of panicky gridlock you'd find after a nuclear attack. (Memo to every city from D.C. south: Don't try to excuse being snow wimps by saying, "You guys up North get snow and we get ICE!" Go to Buffalo in January sometime, redneck. You'll see PLENTY of ice, along with people who know how to properly drive a fu**ing motor vehicle.)

And even worse than the gridlock is when friends of mine like Spencer Hall use the city's endless dysfunction as a way of making Atlanta sound unique and awesome. You people living in cities that work are so beat. Here in Atlanta we have babies stuck on roadways and that is CULTURE. Stop pretending your dying infrastructure and civil corruption are endearing.

One more thing about the ATL (and calling it "The ATL" will never not be annoying): People there are slow as balls. I was standing in line for a coffee there (call me Petey King Jr.) and the machine broke and when the machine broke, the people behind the counter did nothing. They just stood there and ******* stared off into space. And if you get pissy with Atlanta people about how slow they are, they just accuse YOU of being the *******. Why are you so uptight about standing there and having all your time wasted, mannnnnnnn? All Southerners believe that they somehow savor life more than their Yankee brethren because they are so painfully slow, but this is a lie. You people need to get your ******* **** together. You aren't seizing the day because it took you three hours to make a sandwich. The rest of us have lives to lead. No wonder your town has only one good plow.

What might not suck: Common sense dictates that when a competently run team like Atlanta has a down year filled with injuries and outright bad luck, it should rebound the following season. Jones is healthy again. The line is better. There are, like, safeties around. They seem better!

Thought this rather humorous as currently living in Atlanta.

Actually, I'm a Broncos fan

[ogus]

A good thing about the Falcons is the Panthers will probably beat them.

Speaking of Panthers, err, never-mind. I hope the Patriots do better this year

[titla1k]

The Pats' secondary is looking exciting this year, and despite our 2nd and 3rd stringers getting touched up by Washington's 2nd and 3rd stringers, word out of training camp has been decent. Let's hope Robo-Gronk can stay on the field for a little longer, and our OL can hold up a little better, and I'll go into this season with a quiet confidence.


Still some questions around the DL though.

EDIT: Spelling

[partriar]

I love the mighty Patriots! We got it covered mate, all the way!

[anacostiakat]

I expect we will win at least twice as many games. But at 3 -13 Washington can't get much worse.

Like Gruden and we will just have to see! Staying healthy will be everything.

[saintsmokealot]

WHODAT! WHODAT! WHODAT SAY DAE GONNA BEAT DEM SAINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHODAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sactochris]

Chelsea look strong.

[mikek]

WHODAT! WHODAT! WHODAT SAY DAE GONNA BEAT DEM SAINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHODAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GEAUX SAINTS!!!

[mikek]

I'm A hope to die Saints fan!! Go'n way back to the days of Ken Stabler,Bum Phillips! It got so bad we were called Aints fans! Now there kick'n butt!! Geaux Saints!

[PaulP]

ODDS TO WIN 2015 SUPER BOWL XLIX

Team Odds

Denver Broncos 13/2

Seattle Seahawks 7/1

San Francisco 49ers 8/1

New England Patriots 9/1

Green Bay Packers 15/1

New Orleans Saints 15/1

Indianapolis Colts 18/1

Chicago Bears 20/1

Pittsburgh Steelers 22/1

Philadelphia Eagles 28/1

Cincinnati Bengals 35/1

Baltimore Ravens 40/1

Detroit Lions 40/1

San Diego Chargers 45/1

New York Giants 45/1

St. Louis Rams 50/1

Arizona Cardinals 55/1

Atlanta Falcons 60/1

Kansas City Chiefs 65/1

Houston Texans 65/1

Carolina Panthers 65/1

Washington Redskins 65/1

Dallas Cowboys 70/1

Buffalo Bills 75/1

Cleveland Browns 75/1

New York Jets 75/1

Miami Dolphins 75/1

Tampa Bay Buccanneers 85/1

Tennessee Titans 125/1

Oakland Raiders 130/1

Minnesota Vikings 150/1

Jacksonville Jaguars 250/1

[HarveyBoulevard]

Putting $100 buck on the Jags to win it all @ 250/1!!! Its a lock!

[HarveyBoulevard]

WHODAT! WHODAT! WHODAT SAY DAE GONNA BEAT DEM SAINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHODAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last year it was the Patriots...the Jets...the Seahawks...the Rams...the Panthers...then the Seahawks again...

[stogieluver]

Saints should be pretty good.

[HarveyBoulevard]

Saints should be pretty good.

I agree...just couldn't resist that WHODAT question as I am a Panthers fan.

[Ken Gargett]

skins a cert to win the superbowl. no, seriously. but then as long as we beat the cowgirls, it is a good season.

gunners an absolute lock for 4th place. they own it. actually, i think they might come in 2nd behind chelski.

[Skyfall]

skins a cert to win the superbowl. no, seriously. but then as long as we beat the cowgirls, it is a good season.

gunners an absolute lock for 4th place. they own it. actually, i think they might come in 2nd behind chelski.

Lache Seastrunk is going to CRUSH it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ken Gargett]

Lache Seastrunk is going to CRUSH it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i sincerely hope you are right but having followed the training sessions and reports fairly closely, the consensus was that he would not make the squad and go into the practice squad for a year. chris thompson, a very similar player, was ahead in the pecking order but thompson has 'durability' issues and has now come down injured again so seastrunk a better chance.

seastrunk has looked ordinary in practice but impressed in the trial against the pats 4th squad. has trouble catching, apparently. they are working on it.

from watching highlights, i hope he gets in but i think we'll only see rare occasional plays from him at best, this season. alfred will carry most of the load, of course, and helu will play the third down role as seems the top catcher from the roster of running backs. alfred also not a great catcher and they are working on that as well.

[Ken Gargett]

Lache Seastrunk is going to CRUSH it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ps - given that the glorious skins have all your fave players, when are you leaving the dark side and joining us?

[tmac77]

skins a cert to win the superbowl. no, seriously. but then as long as we beat the cowgirls, it is a good season.

gunners an absolute lock for 4th place. they own it. actually, i think they might come in 2nd behind chelski.

ditto

[perkinke]

If Man United's back three stay strong I'm guessing they'll be 2nd this year behind Cheatski (love to be able to say they'll take the title again, but not that confident in the new system). Citeh isn't playing together as well as they have been and will be third, Arsenal will fold after Christmas like always and drop to 4th, and Liverpool hasn't got the goals in them this year to get above 5th or 6th at best.

[Skyfall]

ditto

ditto

[Skyfall]

ps - given that the glorious skins have all your fave players, when are you leaving the dark side and joining us?

My boys now have 4 of my alumni on their team , Skins have 2 of my fav's and the Chargers have Sweet Feet Reese!!. I also have clients on numerous teams....I'm very torn this year!!!!

[Hugomarink]

SF 49ers - Should be good again but not sure if they can unseat Seattle. If Kaepernick can develop into a better passer and they don't have too many injuries they should have a decent shot to win the NFC.

Spurs - I expect them to be more competitive and consistent than last year, and that they'll get better production from two of their post Gareth Bale signings (Lamela and Soldado), but I still don't think that gets them in the top 4, unfortunately. Christian Ericksen is definitely a rising star though. Keep your eye on him. Toward the end of last season he was brilliant.

[Ken Gargett]

ditto

sorry, even with your divided loyalties as mentioned, am i to understand that a cowgirls fan has endorsed the skins for the superbowl win?

i would have thought there was more chance of me not throwing up again when the waratahs win something.