grumpy goes home

[Ken Gargett]

was not best pleased at having to head home and the trip was less fun than one would wish.

It was sad to say goodbye but the trip home proves to be a nightmare. This is 'Around Hell in 80 Days'. One of the crew runs me in, in the skiff. Taxi waiting. Takes me the 4 minutes up the road to the Nice airport. Insists on 60 euros. I insist he is a thieving grubby little scumbag. No English. No English, my fat arse. If I’d had more time, I’d have called the police but if I do that, I miss my first flight and then it will be chaos. And he has my luggage. I tell the nasty little thief that next time Germany decides to play away, and miserable little heaps of garbage like him go scuttling off, don't bother looking to Australians for help. We'll be cheering for the Krauts (possibly a little insensitive all round but it had the desired effect). Suddenly, he can understand English. We did not part friends.

Check in, after endless juggling of luggage. Plane delayed (I should have called the cops). I am not in the system. Some days are special. Eventually, they find me. Organise an aisle seat. Do security. Go to do the tax refund thing. No, you have to go here, there, somewhere else. Finally, no, you have to go back outside (why would you have it there?). So a helpful woman takes me back out. The dimwit tells me I can only claim in Helsinki. Really? A refund from French Customs must be done in Helsinki. He insists. So I think I'll try again in Paris – which worked. Eventually. Sort of.

Back through security. Wait for plane. Late gate change. Chaos. Eventually get on and settle in. Last people on the plane are two hippies and two snot nosed kids. And they want to sit together – I hate that crap. If you want that, get there early. Don't piss people about. So muggins is the one forced to move. And I’m not going to make that easy. No, I speak no French, go away. Eventually the stewardess makes me shift.

I say, not to a middle seat.

She says, I don't know where.

So where to then?

I don't know.

So I ask if I am just to get up and wander around till I find something? Piss off.

She is not happy with me. Mutual. At this stage, it is a race to see which of us explodes first. I’m betting me.

So she goes off and comes back and has found a seat. My luggage is now spread all over the plane. I slam a few doors. The entire plane is watching and waiting. She directs me to a middle seat. Enough. Time for a wobbly. 'you can *&^* off'. But little choice. So slam another overhead luggage door and plop down (then discover it is actually the exit row – why didn't she say so – but there is still the principle of shifting for hippies and idiots).

My friendly stewardess then tries to give the 'you are sitting in an exit row' speech. I ignore her and continue reading. She is determined I listen. I am determined I won't – we are both in full childish mode now. In any event, it is in French and I know that she will not move me again even if I do ignore her. She leaves.

Then I try and work out what I am sitting on. The genius beside me has put a plastic bag (thankfully) of cherries on the vacant seat and I've sat on them. Now, he has a plastic bag of cherry soup and is not best pleased with me. Don't leave them on the seat, moron.

Of course, the row in front has the screaming frog-faced kid (and I use the term, not in any derogatory way to our French friends, but because the kid looked like a frog).

Getting off is a nightmare as my luggage still well back and in several places. I am in no mood to wait so I become the passenger from hell and insist on shoving back to get it. No one bothers to 'hope you had a pleasant flight'. And I am only about a quarter way through the trip.

Get luggage. Amazingly, no drama. Have to change terminals.

Then try to do the tax refund. Going well until he says he needs my boarding pass. I explain that I have not got my next boarding passes yet because his rules say he needs to see the goods (though they never do) and if I do not have them, I cannot process the refund. And if I get my boarding pass, the goods go in the luggage. So I won't be able to show him the goods.

Yes, but I need your pass.

Fine, do you want to see the goods now and then I will come back.

No. You must have you ticket and goods together.

&^&^&^%^%$ Monty Python could not have done better. Eventually I drag out my computer – the queue is now very very long and very grumpy, but I am in no mood to hurry. Someone who is not completely stupid comes and sorts it out.

So I check in. Months ago, I paid for extra leg room and got an allocated seat. I do not have it. I am given a different seat – for the Helsinki-Singapore 12 hour section. I am assured that this one is just as good. Fat chance. So back and forth. But I get nowhere. Go to the lounge but they say I have to go back out to the Finnair office. Talk about your bride's nightie! She finally agrees. But the plane has changed. So now I have a third seat. I’m thinking that if it is not with the leg room, some poor Finnish stewardess is going to hate Australians forever, after I have finished.

We get to Helsinki and the front door fails. We have to drop out the arse of the thing and then can't walk the 40 yards to the terminal but have to get buses all around the terminal. I find the world's best wine bar (it has actually been awarded that – full of extraordinary wines) but it is in the wrong section. I check, yet again, that I have leg room. Absolutely, I am assured. I just know this will go badly.

Try to board the plane and cop a patronising lecture from some condescending tosser my age who clicks tickets for a living, because my passport was open on the wrong page. I point out that next time, the thing won't even be open. It is not a good start.

We board. Guess what. I have a wall jammed in front of me. Not happy, Jan. I politely wait till we take off (as I know the poor women on the planes are not at fault, though they cop the crap from grumps like me) but by the time we leave Finnish airspace, I think every poor stewardess on the plane is aware I am not best pleased. The supervisor tells me I should complain.

What the hell do you think I am doing?

She thinks I'll get my money back but sorry, full plane and all.

Fat lot of good that will do me after I am dead from clots. The word, 'clots', clearly scares the crap out of her, so I explain how I am on death's door and does she really want my estate suing her and the airline, etc etc etc. Suddenly, it turns out that there is one business class seat and would I be interested?

So 12 hours, stretched out sleeping in comfort or 12 hours in a smelly sardine can?

Anyway, one leg left - Qantas. Dreading it. To my astonishment, they are excellent.

Nice to be home but jet lag now killing me.

[Habana Mike]

Ah, like i mentioned in an earlier thread. Sometimes you've got to take the good with the bad.....

At least you got business on the Helsinki-Singapore leg

[Maplepie]

well, at least there was a golden nugget at the end!!

happy bastille day??

Addendum: This made my night:

Of course, the row in front has the screaming frog-faced kid (and I use the term, not in any derogatory way to our French friends, but because the kid looked like a frog).

[mncz]

Brilliant read. I would be happy to write your biography. Bittersweet poetry.

I can't wait to hit 50.

[El Presidente]

Brilliant read. I would be happy to write your biography. Bittersweet poetry.

I can't wait to hit 50.

Ken is 65

[Ken Gargett]

Ken is 65

i look 65. i'm actually 31.

and yet again, pot kettle.

[AlastairE]

What's the deal with perfect punctuation all of a sudden Ken? I was finally getting used to your lower case posts

[Ken Gargett]

What's the deal with perfect punctuation all of a sudden Ken? I was finally getting used to your lower case posts

christmas?

simply if i type on the word thingee, i use the punctuation and if email or sites, not so much. but i would add, it i only caps that are lacking. otherwise, punctuation is ffine.

[Fuzz AI]

christmas?

simply if i type on the word thingee, i use the punctuation and if email or sites, not so much. but i would add, it i only caps that are lacking. otherwise, punctuation is ffine.

Though spellcheck still seems to be lacking...

[Ken Gargett]

Though spellcheck still seems to be lacking...

rob's useless site doesn't have spellcheck, does it?

and like i have time for you lot.

[El Presidente]

rob's useless site doesn't have spellcheck, does it?

and like i have time for you lot.

It;s only good for 100 errors a post.

[IPORTER]

Jesus what an ordeal Ken.

[AlastairE]

Though spellcheck still seems to be lacking...

Yeah, that was ironic

christmas?

simply if i type on the word thingee, i use the punctuation and if email or sites, not so much. but i would add, it i only caps that are lacking. otherwise, punctuation is ffine.

Ahh got it. Granted, only capitals are missing. Was just interested in the back story behind an edited essay

[Smallclub]

Ken, everyone in France know that taxis in the Nice-Canne area are gangsters. These guys are used to transport people that have more money than common sense… Arguing with them is useless, calling the police is not a good idea either…

An other bad idea is to evoke WWII the way you did in a country that suffered an invasion. One day you will deal with someone who's father or uncle was tortured by the Gestapo, or whose family was deported and killed, and you might win a stay at the local hospital… just sayin…

[Ken Gargett]

It;s only good for 100 errors a post.

thank you, shakespeare.

[Ken Gargett]

Ken, everyone in France know that taxis in the Nice-Canne area are gangsters. These guys are used to transport people that have more money than common sense… Arguing with them is useless, calling the police is not a good idea either…

An other bad idea is to evoke WWII the way you did in a country that suffered an invasion. One day you will deal with someone who's father or uncle was tortured by the Gestapo, or whose family was deported and killed, and you might win a stay at the local hospital… just sayin…

yes, not necessarily my best idea but i was mightily pissed and much bigger than him. it was clear he just wanted to take the money and bolt.

and given my grandfather spent nearly four years there during WWI, i reckon i have some small standing.

[Philski]

France and the French can be positively Kafkaesque at times (apologies to Laficion, Smallclub et al - but it's true).

There's a book called The Chimp Paradox, Ken, that would be worth adding to your reading list.

[Smallclub]

France and the French can be positively Kafkaesque at times (apologies to Laficion, Smallclub et al - but it's true).

Every place can be kafkaesque when you don't speak the language. Have you ever traveled to Turkey or arabic countries or… Cuba?

[Philski]

Can't disagree with you there, SC. Not been to Turkey, but spent many, many school holidays in Oman where my father worked for quite a while. Didn't really find it very bizarre, but then we didn't mingle much with the locals. I have been to Cuba once, and yes, it certainly was bewildering at times, but I tend to adjust my expectations a little when in Latin countries (again, no offence intended!!).

I speak rusty-fluent French (my mother is from Lausanne), but I still find that some French people can be mind-bogglingly difficult. Personal opinion, personal experiences. Generally, I love France and the French.

[oliverdst]

Then I try and work out what I am sitting on. The genius beside me has put a plastic bag (thankfully) of cherries on the vacant seat and I've sat on them. Now, he has a plastic bag of cherry soup and is not best pleased with me. Don't leave them on the seat, moron.

Of course, the row in front has the screaming frog-faced kid (and I use the term, not in any derogatory way to our French friends, but because the kid looked like a frog).

Ken has the best posts ever.

[Moogypug]

What a trip!

[Duxnutz]

Hilarious read! I imagine it would be hilarious to hear cabin crew complaining about a troublesome guest only to find out its an FOHer!

[Ken Gargett]

yes, not necessarily my best idea but i was mightily pissed and much bigger than him. it was clear he just wanted to take the money and bolt.

and given my grandfather spent nearly four years there during WWI, i reckon i have some small standing.

i should add that i absolutely love visiting france and go any and every chance. and every trip, the french are fabulous. but there is always one. a taxi driver, a train person, customs, someone. always just one. but then, i could walk outside to the local shops and i'd find five. so good odds.

[ZinZan]

This is classic ken but I really don't sympathise with because you managed to get into business. I just did 24 hours non stop whilst at that point thought I was having a flu but in when reaching home, I was hospitalised for 8 days for malaria and pneumonia. That's arse luck!!!

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD

[airtrade]

There is always at least one wherever you go.