99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name

[Ken Gargett]

you have to love this bloke.

and no idea why a couple are missing.

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:

"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." He sees things differently than most of us. Here are some of his other gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[Jeremy Festa]

Bit of a legend!

[Ken Gargett]

mates sent me a few more.

He once went to a restaurant which advertised " breakfast anytime" and ordered French toast in the renaissance .

82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

[Ryan]

My favourites of his

"I was thrown out of the movie theatre for bringing my own food, I brought my own food because I hate paying the prices at the concession stand, besides it had been ages since I had a barbeque."

"I couldn't find one of my socks this morning, so I called Information."

"She told me it was behind the couch."

[marty922]

"No matter what room you're in, it's always room temperature"

[amosnaim]

Gold!!

[Squarehead]

If the sun shines into your ears it doesn't mean that you're bright.

[garbandz]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a pike?

One is a slimy,cold blooded bottom feeder......

The other is a fish.

[cigcars]

Was it here that I saw the following humor...? If so then my humble apologies for the repetition. Very quickly, it was about how St. Peter made an error at the Pearly Gates and accidently sent some good people to Hell. God calls Satan to His presence and tells him to send them right back. Satan laughs and says, "Oooohhh nooo! They all belong to me now!" God says, "You better send them right back now or I'll sue the horns off you!" Satan laughs even more uproariously and says, "Year right! And just where are YOU gonna find a lawyer!!?"

[Habana Mike]

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

For Rob: There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

and finally: "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

[sengjc]

...and finally: "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

The answer is: "everywhere".

[Habana Mike]

The answer is: "everywhere".

Yes, that's right! Give that man a cigar!!!