ChanceSchmerr Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Here's a question to pose to the masses! I'm getting married (at last!) this August in Toronto. It's a medium-sized wedding, 150-175 guests, and though there are certain items that we'd committed to having because of our respective backgrounds (Portugese Seafood Buffet near midnight, Open Bar), we are still doing what we can to keep the cost reasonable for the wedding, so that we won't be deep into hock just from getting married! Neither set of parents can help much monetarily, as they both have their own financial concerns at the moment, with the economy the way it is. We're saving costs where we can, and have saved some money up (particularly from my deployment!) but as everyone knows - weddings is big business these days, and everything seems to cost a fortune. As a result, at the suggestion of a good friend from Manitoba, I am organizing a Stag and Doe Social, a wedding fundraiser. Essentially I've booked a venue through a friend at no cost, and am donating 40 bottles of booze from my collection of liquor that I've amassed from my travels around the world so far, and these 40 bottles will comprise the Open Bar. Charging 40$ per person for entry, all money goes towards the wedding, and at the end of the evening, all booze that hasn't been consumed will be raffled off for guests, using their entry tickets as raffle tickets. That way, if someone really liked the Rice Liquor from Vietnam or the Coco D'Amour from Seychelles, they can win the bottle and what's left in it at the end of the night to take home. Of course, I'll arrange for games, music, and other fun and raffle prizes (including cigars!) too. We're inviting all of our friends, co-workers and family in the local area to attend. This kind of event was explained to me by my Manitoba friend, as a necessity for helping to pay for a wedding, and though it seemed to me at the time to be kind of a odd thing to do - after seeing the cost of all the wedding-related items, I understand now why people hold these types of fundraisers. So my question is - Is such an event "Tacky" or unseemly? Does it make us look greedy? Since the wedding is in Toronto, and this party is here in Victoria, on the other side of the country, I thought it was a good opportunity to celebrate with friends who can't make it to the wedding or who we couldn't invite due to numbers. My fiancee is quite worried that holding this event and charging $40 per person is greedy, and has read "things on line" that suggest these events are tacky and in poor taste. I don't think so.....40 bottles of free booze I think more than makes up for the $40 per person, and all proceeds go directly to the wedding (this booze has been collected over the last 8 years) I'm curious what others think! Are we indeed being tacky?
Fuzz Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 I don't see anything wrong with it personally. With Asian weddings, we normally have a bowl at the reception where you put in the lucky red packets (filled with money of course!) for the bride and groom. Depending on how many guests you have and how generous they are, you can potentially pay off the whole wedding. For my cousin's wedding, they received about RM $10000 (about AUD $3000) from about 150 guests.
ct4 Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 to each their own, in my opinion it is in bad taste however that it is my opinion and may not coincide with yours. in this situation it is always best to go with gut feeling. how do you see this being recieved by those attending? how do you feel about charging your friends and family? CT
jay8354 Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 It depends on the following: - Are you going to ask these people who have contributed to your fundraiser to also buy you gifts for the wedding? If you are, then it will be in bad taste. If you are not, then I say go for it. These days, a lot more couples get married later and have enough things, so asking for money instead is getting to be more acceptable. My Asian culture - this is the thing to do. Guests provide monetary gifts, so that you get what/how/when the money goes.
canadianbeaver Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 We have a house up in Feversham, Ontario. At the end of our Street there is the Osprey Community Centre. There is a big sign outside and every weekend the sign changes and more often than not it reads, "Mike and Sharon's Buck and Doe, April 5th". So I don't think it is for the good of their health and I don't think you invented this. Perhaps if you are feeling guilty you can make the donation optional, but whoever does not pay would certainly be a classless friend. The other option is to not charge admission but to make it a cash bar on the booze that cost you nothing. Congratulations again! Lisa
ChanceSchmerr Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 It depends on the following: - Are you going to ask these people who have contributed to your fundraiser to also buy you gifts for the wedding? If you are, then it will be in bad taste. If you are not, then I say go for it. These days, a lot more couples get married later and have enough things, so asking for money instead is getting to be more acceptable. My Asian culture - this is the thing to do. Guests provide monetary gifts, so that you get what/how/when the money goes. Ahh see - Nearly all of the guests at the Fundraiser won't be at the wedding, either because we didn't have enough invitations to invite them, or because they won't be able to make the wedding. The fundraiser guests are friends and family out here on the west coast who likely wouldn't make the wedding even if we could invite them, just because of the travel and cost involved. Also - I would never ask anyone to bring a gift, even those attending the wedding. I'm just not the type of guy to ask people for things like that. Kind of a paradoxical way of looking at it I guess, but it's true. I'm the kind of guy who doesn't like doing up a "Christmas list" for myself, and doesn't like being asked what I want for my birthday. I don't like asking for gifts! A gift is....a gift, it's something you give someone that you think they'll like, because you know them and have an idea of what they like. It should never be something expected, IMO.
canadianbeaver Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Folks will want to give you gifts. To tell them no will be more offensive than asking for money IMO. "Dear Lisa..."
ChanceSchmerr Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 We have a house up in Feversham, Ontario. At the end of our Street there is the Osprey Community Centre. There is a big sign outside and every weekend the sign changes and more often than not it reads, "Mike and Sharon's Buck and Doe, April 5th". So I don't think it is for the good of their health and I don't think you invented this. Perhaps if you are feeling guilty you can make the donation optional, but whoever does not pay would certainly be a classless friend. The other option is to not charge admission but to make it a cash bar on the booze that cost you nothing. Congratulations again! Lisa Thanks for the Congrats, Lisa! What you describe sounds exactly what my friend was telling me about - booking out a community hall to have the party. I am thinking that if I start to hear back from invitees that the donation is steep, I would probably look to drop it but to make the bar a cash bar. I wanted to stick with the spirit of what my friend told me (a whole bunch of beer, gratis) but with something unique to me (lots of interesting booze from all over the world, gratis). A couple of good suggestions, though! Thanks Lisa!
ChanceSchmerr Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 Folks will want to give you gifts. To tell them no will be more offensive than asking for money IMO. "Dear Lisa..." I agree! I would never tell any one "no gifts", what I mean is that I'd never express to them that a gift was required if attending the wedding.
randomhero1090 Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Ok so... People who aren't going to the wedding are paying for the wedding? Sorry, IMHO it is in bad taste. If you wanted to do something for the people on the west coast who can't attend, just do a nice picnic/party and leave it at that. People will probably bring you gifts and such because they won't be attending the wedding. But to force people to pay seems just wrong to me. Even with free alcohol provided. Golf and horseshoe events I go to have 50/50 drawings all the time to help for the cost. 50% to the winning ticket, 50% to help pay for the event. TOTALLY OPTIONAL, but eveyone buys a ticket. That, to me, makes more sense then having a cover charge. Sounds like you want to have a pretty nice wedding for a nice size crowd, Port. Seafood Buffet and all, and don't want to pay for it. I would much rather cut out some of the non-essentials, like a midnight seafood buffet, and not have friends/family think unkindly of me. BTW... It is not uncommon for people do to $100 per person anymore. I think $50 is like the MIN. I wouldn't be shocked if you get $8000+ in cash.
canadianbeaver Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Ok so... People who aren't going to the wedding are paying for the wedding? Sorry, IMHO it is in bad taste. If you wanted to do something for the people on the west coast who can't attend, just do a nice picnic/party and leave it at that. People will probably bring you gifts and such because they won't be attending the wedding. But to force people to pay seems just wrong to me. Even with free alcohol provided. Golf and horseshoe events I go to have 50/50 drawings all the time to help for the cost. 50% to the winning ticket, 50% to help pay for the event. TOTALLY OPTIONAL, but eveyone buys a ticket. That, to me, makes more sense then having a cover charge. Sounds like you want to have a pretty nice wedding for a nice size crowd, Port. Seafood Buffet and all, and don't want to pay for it. I would much rather cut out some of the non-essentials, like a midnight seafood buffet, and not have friends/family think unkindly of me. BTW... It is not uncommon for people do to $100 per person anymore. I think $50 is like the MIN. I wouldn't be shocked if you get $8000+ in cash. This is absolutely right. Have a new suggestion for you. Why not have your parents or best friends put out the word that if folks want to give you a wedding present, let them give you some money instead? That would be in better taste and you would probably get more than $40. Folks would totally understand that a newly wed couple, particularly a groom in the military would need funds to get a fresh start.
Orion21 Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 I agree Lisa. It's tough when parents aren't able to help with a wedding of this size. And I wouldn't consider 150-175 people a medium sized wedding in most cases -- that's big to me. I was shocked at the checks I wrote for our 45 minute ceremony and 6 hour reception party... I also agree with the OP that going into debt for a wedding is just plain stupid, but asking people who aren't even invited to the wedding to attend a "fundraising party" is in really bad taste. But to each their own. I am sure many won't even think about it, but there will be those who are turned off by the idea.
ChanceSchmerr Posted April 4, 2012 Author Posted April 4, 2012 See, this one of the issues I am butting up against in my head - The people being invited are people that I'd want to invite to the wedding, but we cannot for one of a few reasons. I'm never one to ask for money for anything - In fact, I've hosted many parties at my house for the same friends, and my 100+ bottle bar is completely open to all with no thought to asking for money or anything. This is the first time I've ever done something like this. The cost of the wedding is now sitting between $35-40k. I am astonished myself with this but the problem is that I can't punt the things I wouldn't do myself, because over 60% of the wedding guests are Portugese family and are expecting stuff like the seafood buffet and apparently it's disrespectful to have a cash bar. I could personally care less about what they think, but i'm feeling stuck in the family politics if I don't..... arrrrgggghhhhhh I figured my wedding was medium size, I attended a Portugese wedding last year for someone in my fiancee's extended family and there was 400 guests. I don't have much experience with weddings, this is all new to me!!! I also know that these Portugese guests tend to give money, I don't expect any but I'm told that they do give. Where I'm stuck with is paying for it all beforehand. I thought 40+ bottles of interesting liquor from around the world + door prizes and food would be enough to give back at the Stag and Doe to offset the cost people are paying to attend the party. I'm certain some people can't or won't want to go, but I'm hoping many do want to come - I'm finding rapidly that you can't please everyone with wedding stuff. Should've just eloped!
Orion21 Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 You're in a tough spot my friend. My wedding ran about that or maybe a little more for 150 guests. You must be getting good food and have an expensive venue... One thing we did was cheap out on the flowers, since they are dead anyway. We bought really nice potted flowers as center pieces and it worked out really well because big centerpieces are expensive and block people from talking to each other -- +$3,000 to me. We also got a DJ vs. a live band, but since I don't know your entertainment plans I can't comment on it for you. To me it was a +$2,000. We did a cash bar, but bought ALL of the booze at Costco and saved $1,000 compared to what the caterer would have charge for transportation and markup -- +$1,000 We also bought all of the wine for the dinner vs having to pay the caterer's 2 times mark up -- +$2,000 By my count we probably saved $8,000 by cutting back or supplying things ourselves for the wedding. Good luck!
ptrthgr8 Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 I don't think it's in poor taste, really. Nobody's forcing those people to attend your fundraiser and if they understand that it's to help you two afford to pay for things on your own, I think they'd be more likely to understand. I mean, yeah, I can see the others' points, but I also think it's a matter of how it's positioned with the guests. We had a money tree at out wedding - folks would just clip bills or small envelopes to the tree with clothespins. At the end of the night we had nearly $3000. Not too bad and it helped us put some addtional cash towards the down payment on the house. Cheers, ~ Greg ~
Puros Y Vino Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Toronto is an expensive place to hold a wedding: period. The moment you let a hall venue know you're having a wedding vs a "party" they jack up the price. I've been to Portuguese weddings. They're very similar to Italian ones but they put a big focus on the seafood tables which cost a fortune. They also tend to cover their "plates" generously. You should've booked a Red Lobster Chris.
Colt45 Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Should've just eloped! Problem solved! Really just thinking out loud...... I'm a believer that the people getting married should have the wedding they want, invite who they want, etc. I know, easier said than done. Have you considered simplifying things - a simple ceremony, and throwing a party after (at someone's home, etc)? I also believe that if I throw a party, I should provide the food and drink - whatever that might end up being. Regardless, I think a wedding should be about celebrating the bride and groom, be it with keg beer and nachos or champagne and caviar. If people need more than that, or I can't meet their expectations - not my problem. To the main point, I've not really heard of such a pre-party, but I guess it's not much different than a bridal shower, a baby shower, dollar dance at the wedding, etc. Again, just my thoughts.
CanuckSARTech Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Chris, Congrats again. Kudos. It might just be a regional thing, where it depends on people's thoughts on the matter. But, for the majority of southwestern Ontario, and even some U.S. great lakes areas, a "stag & doe" is a very normal and typical type of event. Usually, some fun games of chance and whatnot, with added cost/prizes put into the mix sometimes. Considering the area/region, I say go ahead, and do it with gusto, and without any second thoughts or second guessing yourself. They're always a fun party!!! I still have a TON of resource/reference materials kicking around in a folder somewhere in my computer files if you need anything. Cheers.
cgarner Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 I've never heard of such an event, but I'd say go ahead. If people are offended they can not attend the event.
CaptainQuintero Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Congrats! For me a wedding is for the two people getting hitched, these big lavish afairs don't sit right with me. They make the day about the guests and the spectacle instead of the couple. Obviously it's each to their own but if a friend wanted me to pay towards their wedding just so they could say they had an impressive looking wedding I'd most likely pass I'm kind of old fashioned But with weddings generally costing at least £21,000.00 here..it's probably a good thing
Ghabanos Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Congrats. U are right - should have eloped. I think getting your parents to ask or you asking for money other and gifts is perfectly fine. In the end it is still their choice to give or not. I am Chinese and at our weddings some of bride and grooms planning so that they make a profit. Anyway. As for paying for it before hand, u may just have to get a loan, if you are relatively sure that u can get the funds.
MIKA27 Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Ok so... People who aren't going to the wedding are paying for the wedding? Sorry, IMHO it is in bad taste. If you wanted to do something for the people on the west coast who can't attend, just do a nice picnic/party and leave it at that. People will probably bring you gifts and such because they won't be attending the wedding. But to force people to pay seems just wrong to me. Even with free alcohol provided. Hi Chris - Congratulations bud on the 'comming' wedding. I agree that it is a little in bad taste NOT to invite those attending the fundraiser to the wedding. I won't dwell on this as I am sure you have alot on your mind. I too am married and remember the costs being sky high but did not count on anyone to cover this charge as I saw it as my wifes and my responsibility to pay. There are some traditions that say the brides family cover the cost of a wedding, but I wanted none of that nor did I want help from my parents either. My wife Wendy and I decided to spend 'Within our means' and not cave into family pressures, traditions because the key here mate is that "THIS IS YOUR WEDDING' You do not want friends and peers to think bad of you and they do not necessarily realise that all this expense, pressure etc is solely because you are trying to please everyone else and meet their needs. $35-40K is HUGE and perhaps you really need to step back and cut out a few things or perhaps still get the odds and ends but shop around and get the best deal elsewhere. I certainly know there are alot of businesses for weddings. My wifes family are from Chile and there was a huge amount of people from Wendys side that were saying, "Do this, do that, get this, get that, this is what we like". In the end, I said "To hell with it", I won't have others tell me or direct me how to spend 'MY" money or how much I should spend. Who has $40K laying about? In most cases, people get carried away trying to impress others for a day that comes and goes and is NEVER thought about again by those very people. All that remains of this special day (Thats debatable) is the memory for you and your wife to look back on and have no regrets. Have your wedding the way YOU want it and do this within your own means. Don't be paying for it years after because you had to get a loan for it and or hold fundraisers and have people think ill of you as they won't know or understand that it's the immense pressure being bestowed on you from others that is driving you to hold such events. Which ever way you go, CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN CHRIS!!!!
Balboa Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 congrats amigo !! I have a suggestion for you. I've worked in banquet halls in Montreal and from past experience, cultures which are not accustomed to big wedding parties, the couple getting married would print the cost of the plate per person in the invitation to at least cover the costs. It might seem awkward but many have used this method. Good luck !!!
Lotusguy Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Echoing some of the comments above (too late, I guess) but take it from someone who did it twice: Make it a small wedding and use the money for several nice vacations. You'll barely even remember your own wedding because you'll be so busy. Even my second wife agrees and she was the one that wanted to do the big event!
Squarehead Posted April 5, 2012 Posted April 5, 2012 Still waiting for the weddinggift from my parents after 46 years of marriage.My wife and I were very young when we got married and I also was in the military.We paid for the wedding ourselfs and there was only family and a few very close friends.The hammer at our wedding was that my parents without contributing anything invited some people just because they were invited to their daughters wedding.The "most"generous gift was from my Godfather.A whole 20 bucks for 3 people which didn't even cover one plate.After being surrounded by so much love we decided to leave the family alone and we immigrated to Canada 42 years ago. Here in Canada I was invited to a couple of stags and with my wife attented a number of weddings always making sure we gave more than just to cover the plate.After all we had fun. The biggest wedding we attented was Marons parents wedding in Detroit with over 800 people. Now,Chris, remember what I told you in Toronto at the Mambo Lounge.Stay single and when your old,move in with your kids.
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