THIS ONE IS A CRACKER....

[El Presidente]

Just when I thought this site could not go any lower..........

[Ken Gargett]

» Just when I thought this site could not go any lower..........

then my work here is done...

[JMH]

Did you steal this joke from lisa?

[shrink]

Gee, Ken... couldn't you have spared a bit of cheese?

[Claudius]

» Did you steal this joke from lisa?

LOL!

[habanablue]

Welcome back Ken, it has been a long time since I've seen you post...perhaps not long enough after that one! :-D

Just falls short of the 'Stripper' post while back...

[El Presidente]

» Welcome back Ken, it has been a long time since I've seen you

» post...perhaps not long enough after that one! :-D

» Just falls short of the 'Stripper' post while back...

The man has just spent a week fishing and drinking wine in one of Gods own favourite spots. He lives at a pace few of us could envision ;-)

[Ken Gargett]

» Did you steal this joke from lisa?

there have been many offensive things attacking me posted on this forum over the last few years but none so deeply hurtful as this. how anyone could compare something genuinely amusing, if i may say so myself, with the drivel and stodge that emerges under that moniker, no offense, is beyond me.

the hurt will linger long.

[Guest Warren]

Hi Ken , I'm a new kid on the block but I've heard so much about you that I almost feel like I know you. I have to admit when I saw this post I thought you may have forgotten to spit. Then I looked at it again and this is taking humor to an art form.

Bravo.

Oh no, Rob is going to accuse me of brown nosing again isn't he.:-|

[Ken Gargett]

» Hi Ken , I'm a new kid on the block but I've heard so much about you that I

» almost feel like I know you. I have to admit when I saw this post I thought

» you may have forgotten to spit. Then I looked at it again and this is

» taking humor to an art form.

» Bravo.

»

» Oh no, Rob is going to accuse me of brown nosing again isn't he.:-|

always nice to have another person of perception and taste on the forum - there are so few.

and i wouldn't worry about rob, he'll just send you plugged cigars (which is a good thing because then he has fewer to give me).

[anacostiakat]

» Gee, Ken... couldn't you have spared a bit of cheese?

»

»

It always comes down to the cheddah! :-D

[Guest Warren]

» and i wouldn't worry about rob, he'll just send you plugged cigars (which

» is a good thing because then he has fewer to give me).

Hey glad to be of help...........I guess:-(

[tigger]

» always nice to have another person of perception and taste on the forum » - there are so few.

HEY!

The rest of us have taste. It just isn't very good. :-D

[greenpimp]

Ken, you are to comedy what Andy Warhol was to high art.

[Trevor2118]

» Welcome back Ken, it has been a long time since I've seen you

» post...perhaps not long enough after that one! :-D

» Just falls short of the 'Stripper' post while back...

Hey...........the "Topless Stripper" was my post....

Stop picking on us old guys......:-D

[Ken Gargett]

» » Gee, Ken... couldn't you have spared a bit of cheese?

» »

» »

»

»

» It always comes down to the cheddah! :-D

i just camembert it!

[Ken Gargett]

»

»

» i just camembert it!

and yes, it was gouda me to share that.

[Ken Gargett]

»

» and yes, it was gouda me to share that.

while on a roll, i think that 'to brie or not to brie' just grates. perhaps we were cheddar off without that.

and a cheesy joke from the web -

A group of astronaughts are on the moon. They've been mining the surface, and have discovered that it really is made of cheese.

One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a large vein of brie, and they've already been there twice, and collected samples to be returned to mission control.

All of a sudden, the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to cheese-base-one - we need you to get a third load of that brie!"

But the astronaughts are unhappy with the idea. They try to come up with all sorts of excuses why they shouldn't dig any more...

"It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. We don't want to leave this place looking bad.

"After all - have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?"

[El Presidente]

» A group of astronaughts are on the moon. They've been mining the surface,

» and have discovered that it really is made of cheese.

» One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a large

» vein of brie, and they've already been there twice, and collected samples

» to be returned to mission control.

» All of a sudden, the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to

» cheese-base-one - we need you to get a third load of that brie!"

» But the astronaughts are unhappy with the idea. They try to come up with

» all sorts of excuses why they shouldn't dig any more...

» "It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. We don't want to leave

» this place looking bad.

» "After all - have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined

» thrice?"

[Guest Warren]

Ken you wouldn't happen to be working on a cheese book as a companion to your wine writings would you.:-D

[Guest Warren]

» » A group of astronaughts are on the moon. They've been mining the

» surface,

» » and have discovered that it really is made of cheese.

» » One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a

» large

» » vein of brie, and they've already been there twice, and collected

» samples

» » to be returned to mission control.

» » All of a sudden, the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to

» » cheese-base-one - we need you to get a third load of that brie!"

» » But the astronaughts are unhappy with the idea. They try to come up

» with

» » all sorts of excuses why they shouldn't dig any more...

» » "It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. We don't want to

» leave

» » this place looking bad.

» » "After all - have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined

» » thrice?"

»

»

»

I think I see your point here Rob , the less said the better right.;-)

[tigger]

» "After all - have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined

» thrice?"

I wish you hadn't done that, as it reminds me of a story.

A man went to the dentist because he was having trouble with his false teeth. His favorite meal was Eggs Benedict, which he ate daily, and the lemon juice in the sauce thereon was eating away at his choppers.

The dentist told him that he could fit the man's mouth with a new plate - either steel or chrome, steel being cheaper, but less likely to hold up to his diet.

Being a bit of a skinflint, the man chose steel. A few months later, he came back, his steel plate badly eroded from the acidity in his meals, and said, "Ok Doc, I've learned my lesson. Let's go the expensive route." Which he did.

A couple of years later, the dentist bumped into the man in the grocery store. He said, "I haven't seen you in awhile. How are your false teeth?"

He replied, "Doc, they're holding up beautifully. You were absolutely right. There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

[tigger]

By the way Ken, THIS ONE SUCKS...

:-P

[Trevor2118]

This thread's going from bad to worse...............:-D

[Ken Gargett]

okay, this is something i wrote for a mag a few years ago (may have pinched the concept of the punchline from an old joke but couldn't resist).

This is the tale of twin brothers, Samuel and Thomas Franks. In the early 1970’s, they left the sticks and moved to the big smoke. Tommy and Sammy were inseparable, convinced they were headed for fame and fortune, but couldn’t agree how to achieve it.

Thomas thought wine bars were the future. Sammy had seen discos on television and he believed people would be doing the Travolta shuffle for decades. Things became so acrimonious, they split. On opposite sides of the city, Tom opened his wine bar and Samuel a disco.

Tommy’s wine bar was before its time and in a bad location. Across town, Sammy’s disco was going great guns, the in-spot for A-list celebrities even before there were A-list celebrities. Crowds queued around the block and soon, Samuel was an A-list celebrity himself.

Tommy couldn't believe he had things so wrong. So, he hired the latest thing – a management consultant. Back then, no one had any idea what a management consultant did (things haven’t changed much), but Tommy was convinced it would help, especially as ‘Doug the consultant’, never went anywhere without his chart.

Doug had an idea. He decided that Samuel’s disco was doing so much better than Tommy’s wine bar because of what he was serving. The plan was simple – he and Thomas would go to the disco and spy – find out what were the in-drinks!

Tommy refused. He and Sam weren't speaking and he was too proud. So they went in disguise. Tommy attached a fake moustache, like those favoured by Aussie cricketers of the day, shaved off his sideburns and unpermed his hair. They both dressed in flares, sequins, denim and huge cork platform soles (this wasn’t part of disguise – it was the ‘70s) and snuck in past the hoi and the polloi, Doug with his chart hidden up his flares.

Soon, Doug was working overtime to fill his chart.

Whereas Thomas served reds and fortifieds, relics from the sixties, Samuel was riding the white wine boom. People were even drinking riesling in public. This was where the glove-weave bodyshirt set hid their Coolabah. Frizzy-haired blondes in hot pants guzzled Baby Cham while Great Western corks popped in the background. Primary coloured peacocks strutted around in lycra and lamé. Gold medallions nestled on hairy chests while would-be ‘96' starlets ordered cocktails with names like ‘brandy alexander’, ‘breathalyser buster’, ‘between the sheets’ and a few more that would make most hookers blush. The blue nun in the corner sipped Black Tower while a minor pornstar wandered past swaying to Stylistics and waving a bottle of Seigersdorf. The strobe-lights and glitter balls did their thing. There were even a few empty bottles of Cold Duck to be seen – this was a time of no shame.

Doug was frantically scribbling notes, arrows, lines and graphs on his chart.

Then, as Gloria Gaynor announced she would survive and the big spender with the hairpiece was buying a second bottle of Mateus Rosé, it all came unstuck. Thomas Franks had taken a sip of his Harvey Wallbanger when the fake Mo dislodged itself on the rim of the glass. Unfortunately, Samuel happened to be sashaying past at the time and saw brother Thomas revealed.

Sammy shouted for security while Doug and Tommy hotfooted it for the exit, jumped in a cab and headed for safety.

Doug panicked. ‘We have to go back’ he yelled.

‘Why on earth would we go back?’ asked Tom, thinking he’d not only escaped but now had the information to make his wine bar successful.

‘Because’, sang Doug (every good ‘70’s story needs a musical), ‘I left my chart in Sam Franks’ disco’!