Ah Air New Zealand, you got so close!

[Ken Gargett]

Ah New Zealand, you got so close!

This has been one of the best trips I have ever been on. Aside from the muppets at qantas on the way over, everything has been brilliant. The people, places, wines, everything. Loved every moment (okay, with the exception of when team leader Steve Smith decides that he and I should do the outdoor cabins in North Canterbury – where we saw the infamous Canterbury Panther sneaking through the bushes at night – and I had the joy of waking up and looking out of my cabin to Steve in all his glory outdoors first thing in the morning – in fairness to Steve, it was an extremely cold morning).

15 days. Today, the final day. All that has to happen is Blenheim Airport, heaps of time, a flight to Orcland and qantas home. Several hours transit time. Surely nothing could go wrong. At least this time, it was not Qantas. But even when Air New Zealand stuff up, they are all so nice about it.

I was on the same flight to Orcland as Kenichi and his family – one of the group – nicest person ever. Suddenly, the incoming flight is a bit delayed. Then a lot delayed. We look like we’ll be an hour or so late. Still heaps of time. But…

This next bit, you could not make it up.

I chat to the very nice french guy at the counter. He assures me a 70% chance all will be good. Horrible odds when it comes to airlines. I am watching the flights. As it turns out flights all over the country were cancelled or delayed or lord knows what.

I go to our french friend. I see a flight coming in from Wellington about 12.10. We are scheduled to board now at 12.50. I ask if this is the flight that will take us.

No, it goes back to Wellington.

Fair enough.

Okay, I see a flight coming in at 12.40. Is that going to be ours?

No. it is the later scheduled flight back to Orcland.

Is it full?

All flights are full today.

Okay, I see that there are no other flights coming into Blenheim today. Is that correct?

Yes.

No flights at all?

That is correct. There are no other flights.

So there will not be a plane available to take us to Orcland. Is that correct?

That is correct.

And yet you are still showing that we will board at 12.50.

Yes.

We won’t be boarding at 12.50, will we.

No.

Special.

Okay, I say, instead of letting us all flounder about here in ignorance, do you think it might be a good idea to announce this?

Yes, we should.

Perhaps you might like to do it now?

Yes.

And so they made the announcement. Which of course, caused chaos. The three members of Air New Zealand at Blenheim Airport suddenly had dozens of very angry customers. Being the front of the queue, I am told that the gentleman there would help me. The woman points away from herself.

You mean the one running away.

Yes. Him.

Oy!!!! Stop! He was so close to escaping.

In fairness, he did try and help us. Many times (you’d think he might have stumbled across an answer perhaps once). The guys who organized the trip come back to assist. I get a flight out of Nelson to Orcland. The guys who organised the trip will take me – I am not excited by the idea of the Air New Zealand shuttle for two hours. Poor Kenichi has himself on one ticket and the family on another and no one can link them, and he needs to get back to do a big speech. In the end, I think he got a cattle class out of somewhere to Tokyo at 1am with the family to follow.

We are all off to Nelson. But too many of us for one car with all Kenichi’s family. We have to wait for a reinforcement. All good. Our reinforcement arrives. But Kenichi has two tiny children, and we have no kiddy seats. So I am put on the shuttle, and they look for kiddy seats. I make Nelson but more cancellations and delays. But they are so nice about it. And give me vouchers. So much nicer than qantas.

I did feel sorry for the teenage girls who all missed their connection to Sydney, so no Taylor Swift for them. But parents please? Education? Is tomorrow not a school day? Even in New Zealand, that should mean something.

Eventually, I get to Orcland, way late. I am in the Holiday Inn for the evening and then out tomorrow. But the fun has not stopped. Someone thought it a good idea to put the bags from 8 flights on the one carousel, at the same time, but only after all were delayed.

Then I look for the hotel shuttle. Turns out, there is a tiny sign outside the airport saying ‘yellow bus’. This is what I need. But no one told me. Clearly this is my fault because I don’t speak idiot. No mention of hotel shuttle??? Finally, the yellow bus comes. Off we go. Only as far as International where there are heaps of cancelled flights. So the bus is chockers with very old persons (one Pom, I swear, I have never seen anything look more like a corpse – he was Arctic white. And looked so sick). Another old bloke looks at me and says, this is what you have to look forward to in ten years (I was by far the youngest). Only if I can’t find a hungry croc.

Turns out we are going to many hotels. And so, off we head on the Magical Mystery Tour of low budget Orcland hotels, all of which are cleverly hidden in Orcland’s industrial estates. The Holiday Inn is closest to the airport, but our driver does the giant lap and comes back to drop us off. An hour on a bus full of grumpy old people and several 75-year-old women who are very pissed (I suppose if you are stuck at an airport, you may as well drink) and very loud and under the misapprehension that this makes them the funniest people who have ever lived.

The Orcland Holiday Inn is fine. Clean, friendly (although I was a bit concerned when I saw the bloke who’d been panhandling outside the airport walking into the restaurant for dinner). It is extremely spread out. Bigger than Suncorp and with fewer Kiwis than at a Bledisloe game there. They kindly put me on one of the upper floors so I can avoid the wedding (who gets married in an industrial estate?). This would have been nice if they had lifts. So I have to lug the 30kg suitcase up endless stairs. And for the wedding, the strains of Careless Whispers and Knowing Me, Knowing You… Has there been a wedding this century without those songs? And does anyone ever listen? They are songs about bad break-ups. So why play them?????

But allow me to say, the bloke doing reception in an industrial estate low budget hotel on a Sunday night? Probably not typical CEO material. You could not be more wrong. This guy was one of the most competent, customer-friendly, organised people I have seen in years. I had three or four questions. He answered every single one, as I was about to ask it. Qantas, Air New Zealand, Telstra, aust post – someone grab this guy. He could not help make you way better inside a week. Put him in charge. He is a diamond.

Anyway, I have an amenity allowance (which specifies no alcohol – why the hell should they care how I spend it?), so to the buffet. I suspect that this is a LTBQXwhatever kitchen because I sure as hell could not tell you what sex they were. I do think one was a Sontaran. And clearly teeth were not a pre-requisite for employment. I did look at the Seafood Melody, but the only thing I could imagine those tiny prawns were singing was please take me back to my natural habitat, the freezer.

Anyway, up at five tomorrow to give this another go.

[Vetteman]

What? Teenage girls missed the TS concert? Someone’s going to regret that

[benfica_77]

Ken is on fire! 🤣 Just watch your blood pressure my friend. 

[El Presidente]

11 hours ago, Ken Gargett said:

Clearly this is my fault because I don’t speak idiot.

Don't short-change yourself. You are fluent. 

11 hours ago, Ken Gargett said:

And for the wedding, the strains of Careless Whispers and Knowing Me, Knowing You… Has there been a wedding this century without those songs?

......ours

 

Welcome home. Your exit will no doubt have NZ declare a spontaneous public holiday 

[Ken Gargett]

1 hour ago, El Presidente said:

Don't short-change yourself. You are fluent. 

......ours

 

Welcome home. Your exit will no doubt have NZ declare a spontaneous public holiday 

true about your wedding. well done.

correct about speaking idiot as well. if i didn't, i'd never be able to communicate with you. 

i think every day is a public holiday in NZ. 

we all get on this plane - yes, i have left the shores of NZ and am winging home - and Air NZ does this nice thing. everyone's screen welcomes them. so 'Welcome Dave' and 'Welcome Jane' etc etc.

i get 'Welcome Seat 2B'. i am not feeling the love. 

[El Presidente]

8 minutes ago, Ken Gargett said:

i get 'Welcome Seat 2B'. i am not feeling the love. 

2B! 

Oh how you have risen in the world of wine 

[Ken Gargett]

8 minutes ago, El Presidente said:

2B! 

Oh how you have risen in the world of wine 

or not.... 2B.

oh never mind. 

[JohnS]

This thread, and the interaction between Ken and El Pres within it, highlights how much we've missed Ken. Welcome back, Ken from the land of the long white cloud!

[Ken Gargett]

trust me, today was so much worse. can't even bring myself to put pen to paper today. maybe tomorrow. 

[Glass Half Full]

Maybe just a Quill and a pad