Popular Post Philski Posted November 4, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted November 4, 2014 Stumbled on this earlier, thought it was good for a chuckle: You're a man. You look like a Brooklyn-exiled Theodor Herzl, you toss around the word "bespoke" on a daily basis, and you own several types of salt. You smoke $12 apiece cigarettes, flirt with the models at whiskey events, and would like to be buried in your grandfather's barn. And so, you deserve cocktails that befit a man of your modern masculine manner. You deserve everything in this world. Here are a few of the finest concoctions scribbled in mixologist's scrolls from way back when planes were named classy things like Enola *** and men could flick ash at whoever they cared to. THE MASTER'S LATHE Thick and ticklish, reserved for a gentleman of supple pleasure. Pairs best with a hillock of oak shavings and a copy of The Sot-Weed Factor. You will need - Ingredients: Glum Acrobat Roanoke Reserve Thrice-Blessed Barrel-Batch Rye Whiskey Aromatic bitters Bitter aromatics Horseleather-infused simple syrup Ape musk Crab scrapings Egg white (monotreme) Virgin mint Fiberglass Aged ice Equipment: Swindler's cone Fingerglove Blotter Cocktail shaker (brass) Spitguard Tiny bathtub Instructions: Fill swindler's cone with egg white and ape musk. Palpate relentlessly until the musk protests (6-8 minutes). Regard the ice. Twist, slap, and kiss the mint (w/tongue). Repeat until flushed. Combine aromatic bitters and bitter aromatics in equal proportion until, entirely neutralized, a glass of water remains. Drink this to stay hydrated. Combine whiskey, syrup, and crab scrapings in tiny bathtub. With fingerglove, splish splash your pinky about like a little bitty hedonist. Watch you do not bruise the liquor. Spit on the spitguard to confirm its effectiveness. Set aside indefinitely. Combine tub, cone, ice, and fiberglass in cocktail shaker. Place near a fault line. Return after a sizable seismic event. Pour cocktail into the drain. Only the process mattered . THE DROPSICAL BARRISTER An old and venerable cocktail, widely believed to have single-handedly kickstarted the Prohibition era. Still technically illegal in the mainland USA. Best drank with awful company in a terrible mindset. You will need - Ingredients: A bullet Grain spirits (180 proof or above) Sinverguenza's Black Agave Execution-Style Smoked Tequila Powders Pre-holy water Choice botanicals Local farm spelt Heirloom rhubarb (karate-chopped) Herbal Essences Equipment: A big damn knife Instructions: Dissolve bullet in a jar of grain spirits. Shoot the jar with a gun. Consider what you've just done, and why you've done it. Gather loose drippings. Pour the pre-holy water into your favorite drinking glass. Drink this to stay hydrated. Circulate the powders, remaining mindful of their properties. Work Herbal Essences into damp hair, working from root to tip, until a lather forms. Wring hair into a highball glass and serve to an enemy. Mash spelt, rhubarb, and tequila into a loose paste. Anoint knife with paste and plunge into a heart (yours or whoever's). Catch whatever comes out in a highball glass and serve to an enemy. Go to bed. You've had a long day. . FIREBALL FLAKES A big boy's breakfast. Strictly for caucasians. You will need - Ingredients: Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey Milk (whole) Cheerios Equipment: Bowl Spoon Adventurer's mindset Instructions: You can pretty much figure this one out I think. . THE BIG BOPPER'S PANTY DROPPER Killed FDR. You will need - Ingredients: White rum Dark rum Darker rum Spiced rum Salted rum Frozen rum De-aged rum Poison rum Raisin rum Crummy rum Rummikub Domesticated rum Cran-apple rum Tum tugger rum Sugar cane (in rum form) Whiskey rum Gin rum Gin rummy Dried rum (rehydrated) Spider rum (orb) Rum juice "Rum" Piss Vinegar Equipment: Rum gloves Rum hat "I <3 RUM" shirt Punch bowl Instructions: Combine all ingredients in a punch bowl and set on fire. Run. Keep running. Never stop. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Habana Mike Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Love me a Master's Lathe though I can never find aromatic bitters Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polarbear Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 I'm having Fireball Flakes right now 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leftimatic Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 And I thought drinking paint thinners straight was manly. I got a long way to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainQuintero Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I found out today about connoisseur ice: http://www.glaceice.net/ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AbuAmelia Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I found out today about connoisseur ice: http://www.glaceice.net/ That's some expensive ass ice!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeremy Festa Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 That was magic! Cheers Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polarbear Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I found out today about connoisseur ice: http://www.glaceice.net/ WHAT!? Its frozen F&^king Water!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Habana Mike Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 WHAT!? Its frozen F&^king Water!? Yeah, but think of the logistics and shipping costs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
... Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Yeah, but think of the logistics and shipping costs!Yep. No matter how much coin you have, there are many ways of wasting it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Philski Posted November 5, 2014 Author Share Posted November 5, 2014 I found out today about connoisseur ice: http://www.glaceice.net/ THANK YOU QC. At last. No longer will my G&Ts be adulterated by the the ruinous flavour of imperfect ice cubes. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikek Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Just give me two fingers of Pappy van Winkle with one ice cube,and A water back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fosgate Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Kids drinks http://www.ispot.tv/ad/71vl/1800-tequila-silver-kid-drinks-featuring-ray-liotta Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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