for golf fans...

[Ken Gargett]

Wayne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that

his wife, Chardonnay, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the head, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Wayne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: " Wayne , your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the

head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the head, is that correct?"

Wayne : "Yes mate, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her arse."

Wayne : "Was it a Titleist 3?"

Coroner: "It was, yes"

Wayne : "That was my provisional."

[Fuzz AI]

The Golf Club Secretary looked out of his office window and saw a male player taking stance on the Ladies Tee. He switched on the course loudspeakers and said, "Will the gentlemen playing off the Ladies Tee please move back to the Gentlemens Tee!"

The player looked round and waived the Secretary away and took his stance again,

"Will the gentleman playing off the Ladies Tee PLEASE move back to the Gentlemens Tee NOW!"

The player again looked round, waived off the Secretary and took stance again.

The Secretary, now furious, stormed out and confronted the player.

"How many times do I have to tell you to move back to the Gentlemens Tee?"

The player turned slowly, gave the Secretary a withering look and said, "Will you please shut up and let me play my second shot!"

[Fuzz AI]

Three couples are about to play golf: an Engish couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." the woman replied.

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[Ken Gargett]

The Golf Club Secretary looked out of his office window and saw a male player taking stance on the Ladies Tee. He switched on the course loudspeakers and said, "Will the gentlemen playing off the Ladies Tee please move back to the Gentlemens Tee!"

The player looked round and waived the Secretary away and took his stance again,

"Will the gentleman playing off the Ladies Tee PLEASE move back to the Gentlemens Tee NOW!"

The player again looked round, waived off the Secretary and took stance again.

The Secretary, now furious, stormed out and confronted the player.

"How many times do I have to tell you to move back to the Gentlemens Tee?"

The player turned slowly, gave the Secretary a withering look and said, "Will you please shut up and let me play my second shot!"

don't laugh. i once got a 'hole-in-one-ish'. first shot landed on the women's tee. second shot in the hole. i figure that a shot that goes tee to hole is a hole in one but the fun police refused to allow it. so it has become known as the 'hole-in-one-ish'.

[kilroy]

A golf pro had just signed up a new student. A pretty female in a tight golf shirt and shorts. He took her out on the course to evaluate her game. After the round they were discussing her play:

Female: 'I got stung by a bee out on the course!'

Pro: 'Where?'

Female: 'Somewhere between the first and second hole.'

Pro: 'Then your stance is too wide.'

Ironically this is the only golf joke I know.

[kilroy]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

- Dress her up like an alter boy.

I know, I know... not golf related... but I heard it on the golf course... from a catholic priest no less!

[Fuzz AI]

Speaking of priests...

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" Said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" The priest asked again.

"Well, no," said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Well, now is THAT when you swore?" Asked the amazed priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?!" Demanded the now impatient priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"Argh! Dont tell me you missed the %#$*& putt?!" yelled the priest.

[Trevor2118]

TOP 10 REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX

Courtesy David Letterman

#10 - A below par performance is considered good.

#9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7 - Foursomes are encouraged.

#6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5 - Three times a day is possible.

#4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

#3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

#2 - You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished,

and best of all................

#1 - If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

[Trevor2118]

A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrifed, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're alright!," the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you."

And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things I would want --- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him.

"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're alright."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"

"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."

"I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr, alright, I suppose."

"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once -- sometimes twice a week."

"What!," says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

[laficion]

Good shot, trevor, good shot.