fishing trip from hell!!

[Ken Gargett]

Thought I should detail the ‘almost fishing trip from hell’, not that there was any fishing. I won’t name the specific airline involved, as “discussions” re compensation and just how large the legal bills will be are still ongoing. But you can probably guess and should those guesses involve Air “very large ocean” which is the only airline that flies Fiji to Kiribati, you’d be close. We’ll just refer to them as Air Moron.

Plan was to join two mates for a week on Kiribati chasing bones and perhaps even a few GT’s on the flats. One mate was heading off a week early to do some offshore fishing but as it turned out, the wind was so bad that it was impossible. He went back to the flats for bones and got a few up to 10-lbs. then tried for the GT’s. The day I spoke to him to advise I wouldn’t get there (thank you, the Morons), he had just got a 30 and a 50lb GT on the flats. That must be something special.

First disaster, my other idiot mate decided, after a big Christmas lunch, and quite possibly a few drinks, to join the kids on skateboards on a long and very steep hill. First time on a skateboard for 35 years and he is still surprised that he broke his wrist in two places on his very first ride down the hill. So he is in a cast for a month and off the trip.

I turn up to the airport (always like to get to airlines early), only to get a message that the plane was delayed. So we all start lining up to be able then to move to the next area to line up. I was about third in line. The announcement comes that there is a two-hour delay. The plan is to fly to Fiji and then get the Moron connection to Kiribati, which only goes once a week. There was about 3 ½ hours between flights so should have been fine. Air Moron announces a 2-hour delay. 30 minutes later they upgrade that, as the plane taking us to Fiji has not actually yet left Fiji. Given that is a four hour trip, where the two hours came from is anyone’s guess because they certainly didn’t know. They must surely have known that their own plane had not yet left Fiji.

Air Moron is apparently owned by Qantas, which we usually, and from here on in, refer to as the Stumbling Wombat (we are richly blessed in Oz for airlines – the Stumbling Wombat, Jetstar which is better known as Deathstar and the less said about them the better, and Virgin Blue which is manned by cute little would-be pre-teen cheerleaders who spend half the trip trying to sell the biography of their cult leader and the other half giggling about the latest Big Brother hijacks, leaving most passengers in a state of rigid fear should there be any sort of emergency worse than a broken fingernail because Lord help us if these are the people who plan to save us).

Finally checking in. I make it clear that there is no point me getting on the flight unless I’ll make the connection. They call over the airport manager for Air Moron and yes, he confirms no problems, all connections will be met. And I ask the rep from the Stumbling Wombat for an exit row. No problem sir. I later find out I’ve been jammed into a middle seat in the smallest seats on the plane. Thankfully, there are enough seats to move about when we take off.

So I am up in the Stumbling Wombat den and I think I better check again so get the Air Moron number for their HQ and call. Hold on, sir, we’ll check. Yes, no problem. All connections will be met.

Off we go, four hours late. We make up some time and touch down 12.45 in Fiji (the once a week plane was due to go at midnight). Only one woman on the transit desk. I’m about 6th in line with about 80 people behind me. I hear someone complaining about missed connections and start thinking that this is not good. Ask where to go for the Kiribati plane. Told it has gone, please move away.

I’d been very tolerant and polite till this stage (Rob can confirm how endlessly tolerant I am) but this was enough. I will not f’ing move anywhere. What the f is going on. Much screaming and yelling. Manager comes running to assist. Airlines do not like any suggestion that everyone is not deliriously happy so if you are unhappy, it is better to be unhappy and loud (our American friends will understand this). So this bloke is trying to sort me out (and he was probably a very nice person) and I am giving him the rounds of the kitchen. Tells me there is another flight in three days if I’d like to wait at their expense (thank the Lord I didn’t as he had it wrong, that was to Hawaii and there were a lot of unhappy people on this flight as it was to go on to Hawaii after Kiribati). I will not be waiting in this f’ing hellhole for one second longer than necessary. That may have been unfair as all I‘d had seen of Fiji was the transit room but I was on a roll, though the word ‘hellhole’ may not have assisted things.

Next flight back is to Sydney at 9 next morning. Get me on that (Brizzy was not till late the following evening and they could then send me up from Sydney so quicker to do that). No one to book me a seat. Have to do it next morning. So need to get to the airport really early.

So now I have to go through customs. Not happy, Jan. Have to fill out form. “Reason for Visit” “Air Moron f’d up”. Etc.

So reach the desk and the world’s biggest bloke (I could not decide if he had no neck or five) awaits. About now I think that perhaps I have gone a bit far with the ‘Air Moron f’d up” comment. He reads down and suddenly the eyebrows take off and much frowning. Looks at me, the form, me, the form. Frowns. Whoops. Says, “So you live in Brisbane. Have a nice stay.” And that was that.

Get the luggage and have been told to go outside to the bus to the Hotel Tanoa (from memory). Do so. Every tout on the Island is offering me taxis and anything else. I say I am waiting for the Tanoa bus. But it has gone, sir. What the f do you mean? So I storm back into the airport to find the poor manager, walk straight back through thru ‘do not enter’ part as by now I do not care and have steam coming from the steam coming from my ears. Find the manager. He has a family he is sorting. From about 40 yards, I start screaming about the missing f’ing bus. But it is there, sir. It f’ing is not etc etc. So he comes running. Family left in limbo. We go outside. There is no bus. He looks at me and says, ‘the bus is not here, sir’. I f’ing told you that….

It has taken the first load of pissed people to the hotel so he has to call it back. The next load go. The hotel is not too disgraceful, unless you are one of those fussy customers that like things like hot water. They tell me the bus will leave around 7 for the airport. I point out this is useless for me and I need an earlier one. Yes sir. No problem.

Lovely people, the Fijians, but they do have a bad habit of saying yes without thinking and then if there is a problem, sorting it (or not) later. Can I have 6 supermodels in my room, please? Yes sir. Can I have a video of Bush and Bin Laden in tutus rogering goats? No problem, sir.

So I get one hours sleep. Head down early to be able to go back to the airport at 6. Keen to grab a quick brekkie as no food for ages. Breakfast is all set out next to reception. Sorry sir, breakfast opens at 6. So for ten minutes, I walk around until 6 and then I can have breakfast. Absolutely nothing had changed. We just stood there for ten minutes but rules are rules. I know why Fijians are such ‘large’ people. Breakfast was potato done five ways and sautéed liver. So 6.05 and I’m ready for the bus. Ys sir, just straight outside and it’ll be here in a moment. So I stand outside for ten minutes until some bloke comes past and says no bus till 7. So in we go, ‘where is the f’ing bus….’.

Oh sorry, sir, did you want it now? What the f did you think now meant when I said I was ready now when we spoke earlier? So it turns up a few minutes later (I think the driver, same bloke as we saw a few hours ago, sleeps in it).

Get there and get bounced around three counters, mood not getting better, and finally on the Sydney flight.

Get on, settle in, did get an exit row. Just want to sleep. Full plane. Last bloke on is some snotty nosed 16-year-old kid wearing an all black jersey. Walks up to me and says, hey pal, you’re in my seat. Shows me his pass, 41D. Show him mine. 41D. Snap. The last straw. The stewardesses come running. Then go into a huddle. I am not getting off for anyone let alone this kid in all black jersey. The ultimate indignity.

They come back and say I am to be moved to row 6. The kid also works out this is the pointy end to his credit, immediately says don’t you move, sir. You’re settled in. I’m happy to go. It is made clear that he will staying in crap class.

Latest is we are waiting for a compensation offer from Air Moron. They have had potential legal costs explained. Stay tuned.

[Colt45]

So, does this mean you never went fishing?

[Ken Gargett]

» So, does this mean you never went fishing?

and rob said that you were slow on the uptake. where would he have got that idea!!

[Colt45]

» and rob said that you were slow on the uptake. where would he have got

» that idea!!

Probably from the time we were discussing Newton's laws of motion, and I kept confusing them

with Galileo's law of uniform acceleration of falling bodies.

[Ken Gargett]

» » and rob said that you were slow on the uptake. where would he have got

» » that idea!!

»

» Probably from the time we were discussing Newton's laws of motion, and I

» kept confusing them

» with Galileo's law of uniform acceleration of falling bodies.

no disrespect to rob but he thinks galileo is a type of ice cream and newton is bert, a local tv personality.

[El Presidente]

» no disrespect to rob but he thinks galileo is a type of ice cream and

» newton is bert, a local tv personality.

Lemon galileo is my favourite ;-)

[anacostiakat]

Very devilish of you Ken to go to such elaborate straits to avoid a fishing trip.

Or was it the possible compensation. . . :-D

[n2advnture]

WOW! Sounds like a "great" time Ken.

So, what did the stewardesses look like on the flight back?

~M

[Mel]

And you thought the bloke with the broken arm was the unlucky one?:-D

[tigger]

» ...and Virgin Blue which is manned by cute little would-be pre-teen cheerleaders

» who spend half the trip trying to sell the biography of their cult leader and the other half

» giggling about the latest Big Brother hijacks, leaving most passengers in

» a state of rigid fear should there be any sort of emergency worse than a

» broken fingernail because Lord help us if these are the people who plan to

» save us).

[servebig]

Next time skip the 1 hour of sleep and get yourself a nice Fijiian hooker.

Keep the receipt and include as reimbursable to airline.

[Guest Warren]

Ken have you put any thought into becoming a travel writer. A most inspiring story.

I must give this Air Moron a go , it's been ages since I've been on a good mystery flight.:-D

You could write a book called Don't get screwed over without me.

[ARRV]

» Latest is we are waiting for a compensation offer from Air Moron. They

» have had potential legal costs explained. Stay tuned.

Just out of interest - doesn't the warsaw convention severely limit the damages that may be payable by an airline for messing these things up?

Flying around xmas is just hopeless - had family travelling to Australia through Heathrow - they were delayed a day due to fog (f me - does heathrow seriously close every time there is fog?? if so is it ever open??).

And then their luggage arrived 5 days later. Glorious.

[ARRV]

» Next time skip the 1 hour of sleep and get yourself a nice Fijiian hooker.

»

» Keep the receipt and include as reimbursable to airline.

You've obviously never been to Fiji:-D

[Guest Warren]

» Next time skip the 1 hour of sleep and get yourself a nice Fijiian hooker.

»

» Keep the receipt and include as reimbursable to airline.

I think that would be ill advised , Ken is already no fan of the All Blacks what use would he have for a Fijian Hooker.:-D

[greenpimp]

They'll just find a way to blame it on the weather, and tell you to go blow yourself. That's what they did to me and the two kids and the dog over the holidays.

Great read Ken. You angry is very entertaining. I see why God does it to you. ;-)

[Claudius]

» Thought I should detail the ‘almost fishing trip from hell’, not that there

» was any fishing. I won’t name the specific airline involved, as

» “discussions” re compensation and just how large the legal bills will be

» are still ongoing. But you can probably guess and should those guesses

» involve Air “very large ocean” which is the only airline that flies Fiji

» to Kiribati, you’d be close. We’ll just refer to them as Air Moron.

» Plan was to join two mates for a week on Kiribati chasing bones and

» perhaps even a few GT’s on the flats. One mate was heading off a week

» early to do some offshore fishing but as it turned out, the wind was so

» bad that it was impossible. He went back to the flats for bones and got a

» few up to 10-lbs. then tried for the GT’s. The day I spoke to him to

» advise I wouldn’t get there (thank you, the Morons), he had just got a 30

» and a 50lb GT on the flats. That must be something special.

» First disaster, my other idiot mate decided, after a big Christmas lunch,

» and quite possibly a few drinks, to join the kids on skateboards on a long

» and very steep hill. First time on a skateboard for 35 years and he is

» still surprised that he broke his wrist in two places on his very first

» ride down the hill. So he is in a cast for a month and off the trip.

» I turn up to the airport (always like to get to airlines early), only to

» get a message that the plane was delayed. So we all start lining up to be

» able then to move to the next area to line up. I was about third in line.

» The announcement comes that there is a two-hour delay. The plan is to fly

» to Fiji and then get the Moron connection to Kiribati, which only goes

» once a week. There was about 3 ½ hours between flights so should have been

» fine. Air Moron announces a 2-hour delay. 30 minutes later they upgrade

» that, as the plane taking us to Fiji has not actually yet left Fiji. Given

» that is a four hour trip, where the two hours came from is anyone’s guess

» because they certainly didn’t know. They must surely have known that their

» own plane had not yet left Fiji.

» Air Moron is apparently owned by Qantas, which we usually, and from here

» on in, refer to as the Stumbling Wombat (we are richly blessed in Oz for

» airlines – the Stumbling Wombat, Jetstar which is better known as

» Deathstar and the less said about them the better, and Virgin Blue which

» is manned by cute little would-be pre-teen cheerleaders who spend half the

» trip trying to sell the biography of their cult leader and the other half

» giggling about the latest Big Brother hijacks, leaving most passengers in

» a state of rigid fear should there be any sort of emergency worse than a

» broken fingernail because Lord help us if these are the people who plan to

» save us).

» Finally checking in. I make it clear that there is no point me getting on

» the flight unless I’ll make the connection. They call over the airport

» manager for Air Moron and yes, he confirms no problems, all connections

» will be met. And I ask the rep from the Stumbling Wombat for an exit row.

» No problem sir. I later find out I’ve been jammed into a middle seat in

» the smallest seats on the plane. Thankfully, there are enough seats to

» move about when we take off.

» So I am up in the Stumbling Wombat den and I think I better check again so

» get the Air Moron number for their HQ and call. Hold on, sir, we’ll check.

» Yes, no problem. All connections will be met.

» Off we go, four hours late. We make up some time and touch down 12.45 in

» Fiji (the once a week plane was due to go at midnight). Only one woman on

» the transit desk. I’m about 6th in line with about 80 people behind me. I

» hear someone complaining about missed connections and start thinking that

» this is not good. Ask where to go for the Kiribati plane. Told it has

» gone, please move away.

» I’d been very tolerant and polite till this stage (Rob can confirm how

» endlessly tolerant I am) but this was enough. I will not f’ing move

» anywhere. What the f is going on. Much screaming and yelling. Manager

» comes running to assist. Airlines do not like any suggestion that everyone

» is not deliriously happy so if you are unhappy, it is better to be unhappy

» and loud (our American friends will understand this). So this bloke is

» trying to sort me out (and he was probably a very nice person) and I am

» giving him the rounds of the kitchen. Tells me there is another flight in

» three days if I’d like to wait at their expense (thank the Lord I didn’t

» as he had it wrong, that was to Hawaii and there were a lot of unhappy

» people on this flight as it was to go on to Hawaii after Kiribati). I will

» not be waiting in this f’ing hellhole for one second longer than necessary.

» That may have been unfair as all I‘d had seen of Fiji was the transit room

» but I was on a roll, though the word ‘hellhole’ may not have assisted

» things.

» Next flight back is to Sydney at 9 next morning. Get me on that (Brizzy

» was not till late the following evening and they could then send me up

» from Sydney so quicker to do that). No one to book me a seat. Have to do

» it next morning. So need to get to the airport really early.

» So now I have to go through customs. Not happy, Jan. Have to fill out

» form. “Reason for Visit” “Air Moron f’d up”. Etc.

» So reach the desk and the world’s biggest bloke (I could not decide if he

» had no neck or five) awaits. About now I think that perhaps I have gone a

» bit far with the ‘Air Moron f’d up” comment. He reads down and suddenly

» the eyebrows take off and much frowning. Looks at me, the form, me, the

» form. Frowns. Whoops. Says, “So you live in Brisbane. Have a nice stay.”

» And that was that.

» Get the luggage and have been told to go outside to the bus to the Hotel

» Tanoa (from memory). Do so. Every tout on the Island is offering me taxis

» and anything else. I say I am waiting for the Tanoa bus. But it has gone,

» sir. What the f do you mean? So I storm back into the airport to find the

» poor manager, walk straight back through thru ‘do not enter’ part as by

» now I do not care and have steam coming from the steam coming from my

» ears. Find the manager. He has a family he is sorting. From about 40

» yards, I start screaming about the missing f’ing bus. But it is there,

» sir. It f’ing is not etc etc. So he comes running. Family left in limbo.

» We go outside. There is no bus. He looks at me and says, ‘the bus is not

» here, sir’. I f’ing told you that….

» It has taken the first load of pissed people to the hotel so he has to

» call it back. The next load go. The hotel is not too disgraceful, unless

» you are one of those fussy customers that like things like hot water. They

» tell me the bus will leave around 7 for the airport. I point out this is

» useless for me and I need an earlier one. Yes sir. No problem.

» Lovely people, the Fijians, but they do have a bad habit of saying yes

» without thinking and then if there is a problem, sorting it (or not)

» later. Can I have 6 supermodels in my room, please? Yes sir. Can I have a

» video of Bush and Bin Laden in tutus rogering goats? No problem, sir.

» So I get one hours sleep. Head down early to be able to go back to the

» airport at 6. Keen to grab a quick brekkie as no food for ages. Breakfast

» is all set out next to reception. Sorry sir, breakfast opens at 6. So for

» ten minutes, I walk around until 6 and then I can have breakfast.

» Absolutely nothing had changed. We just stood there for ten minutes but

» rules are rules. I know why Fijians are such ‘large’ people. Breakfast was

» potato done five ways and sautéed liver. So 6.05 and I’m ready for the bus.

» Ys sir, just straight outside and it’ll be here in a moment. So I stand

» outside for ten minutes until some bloke comes past and says no bus till

» 7. So in we go, ‘where is the f’ing bus….’.

» Oh sorry, sir, did you want it now? What the f did you think now meant

» when I said I was ready now when we spoke earlier? So it turns up a few

» minutes later (I think the driver, same bloke as we saw a few hours ago,

» sleeps in it).

» Get there and get bounced around three counters, mood not getting better,

» and finally on the Sydney flight.

» Get on, settle in, did get an exit row. Just want to sleep. Full plane.

» Last bloke on is some snotty nosed 16-year-old kid wearing an all black

» jersey. Walks up to me and says, hey pal, you’re in my seat. Shows me his

» pass, 41D. Show him mine. 41D. Snap. The last straw. The stewardesses come

» running. Then go into a huddle. I am not getting off for anyone let alone

» this kid in all black jersey. The ultimate indignity.

» They come back and say I am to be moved to row 6. The kid also works out

» this is the pointy end to his credit, immediately says don’t you move,

» sir. You’re settled in. I’m happy to go. It is made clear that he will

» staying in crap class.

» Latest is we are waiting for a compensation offer from Air Moron. They

» have had potential legal costs explained. Stay tuned.

OMG :-D That's hilarious (in a way) :-D :-D

"Dont Go Fishing Without Me 2008"

[CIGARHead]

I feel for you Ken. Those situations are NEVER fun...especially when fishing is involved. Fishing calms me and if I were to have been in your position, I would have broke out the ol' rod and reel and started catchin me some of those Pilot Fish;-)

[El Presidente]

Go get them Ken!

Let me know if this list of people you are currently or have recently threatened legal action against is accurate.

Telstra (several Times)

Optus (delinquent account still outstanding).

Iberia Airlines

"Air Moron"

Me (slander)

Previous insurer (claimed damaged cigars in humidor....and won

)

Current Insurer for faulty Microwave in Kitchen

These are only the ones I remember....any others?

[Smokin_Safari]

I think Ken should also consider suing his publisher for the mistaken inclusion on page 159 as I am sure (please, please) Ken would not have seriously recommended anything from Nederburg! Ken, yes I am sending my sister's gift back, although will it be worth more when you die?? I first thought it was on of those "Darwin Awards" books & I was right - could you give me tips as I was thinking of a book, "don't buy mines without me"!

[Ken Gargett]

» I think Ken should also consider suing his publisher for the mistaken

» inclusion on page 159 as I am sure (please, please) Ken would not have

» seriously recommended anything from Nederburg! Ken, yes I am sending my

» sister's gift back, although will it be worth more when you die?? I first

» thought it was on of those "Darwin Awards" books & I was right - could you

» give me tips as I was thinking of a book, "don't buy mines without me"!

marty, i'm led to believe that the readership is a broad church and there are a large number of yarpies now in oz. mind you, had i known that they would limp their way to the world cup, i would have been much harsher.

[Ken Gargett]

» Go get them Ken!

»

» Let me know if this list of people you are currently or have recently

» threatened legal action against is accurate.

»

» Telstra (several Times)

» Optus (delinquent account still outstanding).

» Iberia Airlines

» "Air Moron"

» Me (slander)

» Previous insurer (claimed damaged cigars in humidor....and won

» )

» Current Insurer for faulty Microwave in Kitchen

»

» These are only the ones I remember....any others?

what is the point of having law degrees if you cannot use them to beat morons, only those that deserve it, over the head and to ensure justice is done.

two cans - deserves all it gets.

optus is worse (although i'm not sure how that could be).

iberia are without doubt the worst airline on the planet. i have flown plenty of dodgy airlines over the years - the third level of garuda, air sudan, areoflot in the bad old days (although they just kept feeding us caviar so i was very happy) and more but none, including air moron, come within cooee. they are one giant disaster waiting to happen. and a uge embarassment to one of my favourite countries, spain.

air moron has returned with an offer which is not bad, not quite there but not bad.

you? refer to the comment for two cans.

cgu was the thieving abomination to which you refer. they denied a claim. i was forced to the insurance ombudsman where (and you spoke to an investigator the other night who confirmed that right was on my side) i was awarded 100% of the claim (and the thieves had to pay another $5000 to the ombudsman for the pleasure). anyone with even the most minor insurance dispute should consider the ombudsman as it costs you nothing but automatically costs the insurance company $5k, i believe, to fight it.

microwave - ongoing discussions which appear to be resolving themselves.

others? as i say, justice must be done. latest is probably the brizzy city council but they are starting to see the right path.