Ken Gargett Posted June 12, 2007 Posted June 12, 2007 i suspect that this is a bit dated, and has been amended by an aussie, but some of it is amusing. not sure about the poms ruling anyone anymore.... they did sch a good job of it before. again, just the messenger. NEWS FLASH! Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A. A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.) 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. ----------------- 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. ------------------- 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. ---------------------- 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Holden Monaro's are also approved. --------------------- 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.They are also a British Colony, see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby the Aussies and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. --------------------- 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Aussies first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season. God save the Queen. Only he can. John Cleese
Ken Gargett Posted June 12, 2007 Author Posted June 12, 2007 » Thanks Ken. Oh, how was queen's birthday? to express my outrage at this tawdry vestige of the crumbling monarchy, and in sympathy with our brothers across the pond, i refused to accept or acknowledge such an event and worked all day. as i said, just the messenger.
CoryOllis Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 Cleese is usually hilarious. I wonder if he even wrote this bit. Satire still has to be funny. Otherwise, it's a pointless bit of finger pointing. Considering how much potential material the author had (e.g. "The Colbert Report") he/she failed miserably! The only chuckle I got was the reference to American beer as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine"! :-P
Ken Gargett Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 » Cleese is usually hilarious. I wonder if he even wrote this bit. » » Satire still has to be funny. Otherwise, it's a pointless bit of finger » pointing. Considering how much potential material the author had (e.g. » "The Colbert Report") he/she failed miserably! » » The only chuckle I got was the reference to American beer as "Near-Frozen » Gnat's Urine"! :-P it was sent to me as a humour thing but i'm sure i saw it ages ago and i think that by itself, it has been taken out of context and may not have been a stand-alone piece. i think it was from a look at the differences and not just a purely comedic bit. liked 15. i suspect the poms might find more amusement in it than most. i am sure that bits have been added. the holden monaro and other aussie bits. i also suspect that from the rugby comment (and tony blair) it was written at least 7 years ago, perhaps even a year or two more.
Colt45 Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 » as i said, just the messenger. I for one take no offense whatsoever. Has your voice returned from all the singing of god save the queen?
sloth Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp ...and about American beers, its not our fault that ya can't look beyond Budweiser, Miller, and Coors. Mmmm, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale... :-D
El Presidente Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 I am all for putting the "U" back in words such as flavour and colour
Cal-Duck Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 When it suits me I like to think that John Cleese is a Communist. This would be one of those times....commie.
winelover Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 » When it suits me I like to think that John Cleese is a Communist. This » would be one of those times....commie. Think he's more of an old-world imperialist than a commie. I find him very funny and admire his work - espec Faulty Towers.
bassman Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 » » When it suits me I like to think that John Cleese is a Communist. This » » would be one of those times....commie. » » Think he's more of an old-world imperialist than a commie. » » I find him very funny and admire his work - espec Faulty Towers. Fawlty Towers- one of the best TV shows I've ever seen.
GoSteelers Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.They are also a British Colony, see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. Tons of Great American Craft Beer!! Sierra Nevada, Anchor, Flying Dog, New Belgian, Dogfish Head, Left Hand, Bridgeport, Harpoon. Only had 2 Aussie beers Coopers & Fosters, coopers is very good, Fosters is Austrailian for "the Budweiser went BAD Mate!" Oh yeah why is it that Budweiser is so damn popular in The Brit Isles anyway???? I will concur with the rest, especially the Roundabouts!!!
Wiley Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 As much as I really like John Cleese, this is probably funnier for people who don't happen to be Americans. I certainly find a lot of pokes at us Americans hysterical, they just have to hit a lot closer to home before they're funny. (BTW, I'm privileged to live in the NW US, where we have more great beers and ales than I can count. No drinking Rocky Mountain Piss-Water here!)
Ken Gargett Posted June 14, 2007 Author Posted June 14, 2007 » 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not » actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be » referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance » will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they » are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only » be due to the beer.They are also a British Colony, see what it did for » them. » » American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that » all can be sold without risk of further confusion. » » » Tons of Great American Craft Beer!! Sierra Nevada, Anchor, Flying Dog, New » Belgian, Dogfish Head, Left Hand, Bridgeport, Harpoon. Only had 2 Aussie » beers Coopers & Fosters, coopers is very good, Fosters is Austrailian for » "the Budweiser went BAD Mate!" Oh yeah why is it that Budweiser is so damn » popular in The Brit Isles anyway???? as i said, just the messenger and i do agree with you on the beers. when i lived in DC years ago, there were a heap of really interesting beers, as well as a lot of crap. we have far fewer interesting beers and as much as i hate to say it, far fewer than even kiwi island. » » I will concur with the rest, especially the Roundabouts!!!
Freefallguy Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 » to express my outrage at this tawdry vestige of the crumbling monarchy, » and in sympathy with our brothers across the pond, i refused to accept or » acknowledge such an event and worked all day. Ken Ken Ken… You seem way overstressed lately. Why don’t you cozy up with a Milo and a blankie and chill!
wp2 Posted June 14, 2007 Posted June 14, 2007 » 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not » actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be » referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance » will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they » are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only » be due to the beer.They are also a British Colony, see what it did for » them. » » American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that » all can be sold without risk of further confusion. » » » Tons of Great American Craft Beer!! Sierra Nevada, Anchor, Flying Dog, New » Belgian, Dogfish Head, Left Hand, Bridgeport, Harpoon. Thes are not American beers, they are American micro & regional brews! American beer brewers spill more beer in a year than the micro & regional brewers actually brew. I disagree with the "greatest sporting Nation on earth" bit, LOL.
GoSteelers Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 » » » » » » Tons of Great American Craft Beer!! Sierra Nevada, Anchor, Flying Dog, » New » » Belgian, Dogfish Head, Left Hand, Bridgeport, Harpoon. » » Thes are not American beers, they are American micro & regional » brews! American beer brewers spill more beer in a year than the micro & » regional brewers actually brew. » These are American beers thats why they take the ribbons at the Great American Beer Festival!
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