First Lady Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?" Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE......The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. :rotfl:
shortsqueeze Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? This is me! Good one!!! HaHa
BigSlick Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. DOH!
shrink Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Same reason we suck harder on a cigar that's already gone out. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money? Same reason that they charge a foreign currency conversion on cigar purchases... the bastids. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Some things do. Have you ever tried to take a bottle of anything away from Rob? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Can you imagine how bad you'd smell if you were dead and had an infection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Same reason that you don't have one, luv. He's a transexual. Just listen: http://www.tvacres.com/images/tarzan_yell_mgm.mp3 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Same reason that some women stop traffic with their chest, then duck when you make a pass. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? To look good in the movie camera close-ups. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? Well, it wathn't me, thweetie... If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Some apes had the sense to stop evolving before they turned into something really ugly. Like this: http://www.friendsofhabanos.com/img/uploaded/image2577.jpg Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Because ever since Ken's refrigerator broke, the contents just keep growing. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? I learned a long time ago not to pull on any stray strings. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? To prevent unintended pregnancies. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? You'll have to ask the "Men in Black". When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?" The last time someone did that, I fed their baby a candied jalapeno. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? The last time I fell off the table, I didn't knock anything else off. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? Men have been asking women that question since the beginning of time. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? Because there's nothing at all funny about being a father-in-law. Trust me. And my FAVORITE......The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. Let's see... there's Rob, Lisa, Smithy, and Ken. That's four.... are you sure you got your statistics right?
Ziggy Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Thats funny, thanks for starting my day with a good laugh. Zig
CoryOllis Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Thanks for the chuckles, Lisa! Although this one is a bit optimistic, doncha think? "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness." I think if they reversed the stat to "four out of every one person" it may be more accurate. :-D
wp2 Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 » ...The statistics on sanity are that one out of every » four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your » three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. » » :rotfl: Well if Tiny Tim is sane, that's one, Kornazoo is two, Tampa is three, Prof Twain is four, now I've gotta find at least one who isn't, then I'll know I'm OK. Until I find that person, I'm having doubts about myself, LOL.
AZsteelman Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 These hit a little close to home in a few cases...wow...
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