joe public's comments/reviews in response to recipes

[Ken Gargett]

★★ I made this tonight because of all the great reviews. The potatoes were O.K., I guess, but the chicken was dry and bland. My husband wouldn’t even touch it. My son took one bite and then spit it right back out. My fourteen-year-old daughter just pushed the food around her plate with that holier-than-thou look on her face, because clearly she is the Queen of England. In retrospect, maybe I should have marinated the chicken a little longer. Maybe I also should have travelled more when I was younger. I don’t know. I think I’m going to ask Stephen for a divorce.

★★★★★ I would give this a hundred stars if I could! Perhaps a bit too much lemon, though. Going to make it again, but this time I’m going to add some bacon. That’s right, you bastards! Bacon! And if it’s too tart, you know what I’m going to do? I’ll add a bit of fresh, local maple syrup. Blahah! Insanity! And if it’s too bacony? Well, then, fuck it—I’m going to wash it all down with a bottle of Jack Daniels and some pills that I stole from my neighbor’s medicine cabinet. Ha! No, I won’t. Then again, I might. I’m kidding! I’d never do that. Hmmm . . . Or would I? Blaahhah!

★★★ The recipe claims to serve six to eight, but I live alone in a studio apartment with only a mini fridge, so leftovers aren’t an option. And every time I try to reduce the size of a recipe, it just doesn’t come out right. Don’t get me wrong, Ina Garten—I am completely fine with being a forty-nine-year-old assistant funeral director who has only ever purchased twin sheets. Totally. Fucking. Fine. But why don’t you try dividing 1⁄4 teaspoon of fleur de sel by eight? Do you think I just happen to own an electron microscope? Let me check. Nope! So, this time, I just decided to make the whole recipe. I set the table for six, with placemats and candles and everything. Then I dressed my ferrets up as famous authors (Marcel Proust, Sylvia Plath, etc.) and let them eat at the table. We had a very nice evening, but next time I might add a packet of onion-soup mix.

★★ I was certain that this was going to be a recipe for a one-night-only, no-holds-barred flavor extravaganza. And for a while the lemons were performing beautifully and the rosemary shone a spotlight on the chicken, the real star of the show. But then the broccoli forgot a few of its lines and tried to improvise, which was sort of hilarious and pathetic at the same time. That completely threw off the mushrooms, who panicked and started in on an a-cappella version of “Uptown Girl” while the potatoes just stood there like jackasses. Then the chicken gave everyone the finger and walked off. To be honest, not my favorite recipe. However, the other patients in the ward didn’t seem to have a problem with it.

★★★★ My family absolutely loved this dish. Thank you, Food Network! I’ll confess: I did sprinkle about a half gram of cocaine in with the potato and mushroom mixture. Will definitely be making this again!

★★★★ Very tasty, indeed. Followed the instructions to a tee and it came out great. The meat was juicy and crispy and please help me I am being held in a basement somewhere I think I’m near an airport because I hear planes taking off and landing there are two maybe three men I think one is named Dagger it’s very dark I’m so cold I hear footsteps the door is being unlocked oh crap someone is coming gotta go but real quick you could easily substitute Brussels sprouts for the potatoes and cut the butter by half if you wanted a healthier version.

[MrBirdman]

1 hour ago, Ken Gargett said:

★★★★ Very tasty, indeed. Followed the instructions to a tee and it came out great. The meat was juicy and crispy and please help me I am being held in a basement somewhere I think I’m near an airport because I hear planes taking off and landing there are two maybe three men I think one is named Dagger it’s very dark I’m so cold I hear footsteps the door is being unlocked oh crap someone is coming gotta go but real quick you could easily substitute Brussels sprouts for the potatoes and cut the butter by half if you wanted a healthier version.

[La_Tigre]

2 hours ago, Ken Gargett said:

★★★ The recipe claims to serve six to eight, but I live alone…… being a forty-nine-year-old assistant funeral director….

Are you ever truly alone as a forty-nine-year-old assistant funeral director…? Buck up and make some last meals ya degenerate… 🤣