Australian Tourist Board Humour

[Grahamsant]

Don't know if this true or not but if they are this is absolutely genius! Apparently these were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A:Depends how much you've been drinking.

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Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not

... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

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Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is

Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

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Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

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Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[...]

Oh man! Precious stuff

[GodofFire]

That is awesome thanks for sharing the humor.

[Phillys]

Sooo... Come naked?

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[Drguano]

Sooo... Come naked?

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Yes. Then have a cigarette.

[WarriorPrincess]

I have never laughed so much....that is great.

It something that Ken would say to all the questions ......are you sure he didn't do some work on the side for Australian Tourist Board

Great way to finish off the week

[Ken Gargett]

I have never laughed so much....that is great.

It something that Ken would say to all the questions ......are you sure he didn't do some work on the side for Australian Tourist Board

Great way to finish off the week

can't think why you would say that, though i will confess to a heap of fun scaring tourists with stories of drop bears.

i think it might be a real set of responses, though i think that the full list is actually much longer. i remember seeing it back during the 2003 world cup.

[TheLiquidGator]

My wife who is British just adored this read. Thanks Ken. Good stuff.

[Fuzz]

That map is highly inaccurate. This is much more accurate...

[Maplepie]

i remember a while back, i was doing research on the chloroform properties in my lab (comparison for other solvents) and came across the natural production of chloroform Earth's atmosphere. Apparently, there's a type of algae in the south Pacific sea, so therefore parts of Australia, that produces chloroform as a byproduct from their respiration.

Let me get this straight: your country has algae - ALGAE. Micro things that are one of the most docile things alive - which produce chloroform in giant patches of ambient water.

Anywho, nice post Graham! actually made my day

[Ken Gargett]

My wife who is British just adored this read. Thanks Ken. Good stuff.

always happy to accept any thanks but in this case, i think they need to be redirected.

[Grahamsant]

always happy to accept any thanks but in this case, i think they need to be redirected.

That's ok, I'll let you take the thanks if you can find the rest of the list??

[Fuzz]

That's ok, I'll let you take the thanks if you can find the rest of the list??

Unfortunately, this list has been doing the rounds in many forms since 2000. Here's a link for some of the different variations. http://www.snopes.com/travel/foreign/olympics.asp

I still remember a time during the 2000 Sydney Olympics, I overheard a German couple asking about kangaroos and at what time they should be indoors by. Apparently, they were told that kangaroos hunt at night.

[Grahamsant]

Unfortunately, this list has been doing the rounds in many forms since 2000. Here's a link for some of the different variations. http://www.snopes.com/travel/foreign/olympics.asp

I still remember a time during the 2000 Sydney Olympics, I overheard a German couple asking about kangaroos and at what time they should be indoors by. Apparently, they were told that kangaroos hunt at night.

A shame that it appears to either be fake or has been used since in various incarnations for other countries. Still...a good laugh nonetheless!

Also, snopes has the full "Australian" list so I thought I'd copy it over anyway...there's a few extras in there!

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower ...

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed ...

Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)

A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year ago to get there in time for this October ...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: And accomplish what?

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)

A: I'm not touching this one ...

Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (South Africa)

A: Why? We do have toilet paper here ...

Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: No, I can't.

Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)

A: Under water?

Q: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)

A: What's the time frame?

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us ...

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No. Everybody stinks.

Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)

A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks ...

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde ...

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes. *** nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Yes. At Christmas.

Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)

A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: Another blonde?

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: I love this one ... there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face North and you should be about right.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: Would you believe the Panda?

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: From Liz Taylor, perhaps?

Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)

A: Yes. Outdoors.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: No. And even if I could ...

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Ken Gargett]

first time i went to the UK, i remember staying in a country hotel with my folks. was talking to the woman who ran it and she would not be swayed from the fact that every city had a massive traffic problem, getting through the kangaroos that grazed in our main streets.

but that was nothing compared to some of the stuff i heard about us when i worked in DC. everything from 'i just love your lions and tigers' to, on a number of occasions, 'you've learnt english so well'. one woman thought it amazing i had learnt to speak english so well that i spoke it even better than she did. about the only thing we agreed on.

[jat]

That map is highly inaccurate. This is much more accurate...

Australia.png

I used to live near cyclones, sharks and razor sharp coral, but moved and now only have the sharks. Miss the cyclones.

[ogus]

first time i went to the UK, i remember staying in a country hotel with my folks. was talking to the woman who ran it and she would not be swayed from the fact that every city had a massive traffic problem, getting through the kangaroos that grazed in our main streets.

but that was nothing compared to some of the stuff i heard about us when i worked in DC. everything from 'i just love your lions and tigers' to, on a number of occasions, 'you've learnt english so well'. one woman thought it amazing i had learnt to speak english so well that i spoke it even better than she did. about the only thing we agreed on.

Where did you learn to speak English? In Australasia?

[Ken Gargett]

Where did you learn to speak English? In Australasia?

Where did you learn to speak English? In Australasia?

not sure i follow??

[kingy]

I once read a story about a joint exercise between the Australian and UK SAS. The MOD issue insect repellent was of no use against the mozzies over here so they asked the Aussies what they used. They replied " we just eat Vegemite, keeps them away". Next morning a bunch of burly SAS troops sat down yto toast and Vegemite and can't stomach it. The Aussies then give them another suggestion, " rub it behind your ears, that will keep them away". This is probably an urban legend but the thought of The SAS running around the bush with Vegemite behind their ears cracks me up.