the spider man does religion

[Ken Gargett]

i'm sure some members will remember some of the weird emails from this bloke (trying to pay for his electrical account with a drawing of a spider and so on).

here is a recent one. small warning - if you are particularly religious, you may not find it as funny as some might.

From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 10 March 2010 7.12pm

To: Darryl Robinson

Subject: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

I have received your permission slip featuring what I can only assume is a levitating rabbit about to drop an egg on Jesus.

Thank you for pre-ticking the permission box as this has saved me not only from having to make a choice, but also from having to make my own forty five degree downward stroke followed by a twenty percent longer forty five degree upward stroke. Without your guidance, I may have drawn a picture of a cactus wearing a hat by mistake.

As I trust my offspring's ability to separate fact from fantasy, I am happy for him to participate in your indoctrination process on the proviso that all references to 'Jesus' are replaced with the term 'Purportedly Magic Jew.'

Regards, David.

__

From: Darryl Robinson

Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 9.18am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Permission Slip

Hello David

The tick in the box already was a mistake I noticed after printing them all. I've seen the play and it's not indoctrinating anyone. It's a fun play performed by a great bunch of kids. You do not have to be religious to enjoy it. You are welcome to attend if you have any concerns.

Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain

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From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 11.02am

To: Darryl Robinson

Subject: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

Thank you for the kind offer, being unable to think of anything more exciting than attending your entertaining and fun filled afternoon, I tried harder and thought of about four hundred things.

I was actually in a Bible based play once and played the role of 'Annoyed about having to do this.' My scene involved offering a potplant, as nobody knew what Myrrh was, to a plastic baby Jesus then standing between 'I forgot my costume so am wearing the teachers poncho' and 'I don't feel very well'. Highlights of the play included a nervous donkey with diarrhoea causing 'I don't feel very well' to vomit onto the back of Mary's head, and the lighting system, designed to provide a halo effect around the manger, overheating and setting it alight. The teacher, later criticised for dousing an electrical fire with a bucket of water and endangering the lives of children, left the building in tears and the audience in silence. We only saw her again briefly when she came to the school to collect her poncho.

Also, your inference that I am without religion is incorrect and I am actually torn between two faiths; while your god's promise of eternal life is very persuasive, the Papua New Guinean mud god, Pikkiwoki, is promising a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry.

Regards, David.

__

From: Darryl Robinson

Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 2.52pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Hello David

While it would be a pity for Seb to miss out on the important message of hope that the story of the resurrection gives, if you don't want him to attend the presentation on Monday then just tick the box that says I do not give my child permission to attend.

Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain

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From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 5.09pm

To: Darryl Robinson

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

I understand the importance the resurrection story holds in your particular religion. If I too knew some guy that had been killed and placed inside a cave with a rock in front of it and I visited the cave to find the rock moved and his body gone, the only logical assumption would be that he had risen from the dead and is the son of God. Once, my friend Simon was rushed to hospital to have his appendix removed and I visited him the next day to find his bed empty. I immediately sacrificed a goat and burnt a witch in his name but it turned out that he had not had appendicitis, just needed a good poo, and was at home playing Playstation.

Someone probably should have asked "So the rock has been moved and he's gone... has anyone checked his house?" I realise Playstation was not around in those days but they probably had the equivalent. A muddy stick or something. I would have said "Can someone please check if Jesus is at home playing with his muddy stick, if not, then and only then should we all assume, logically, that he has risen from the dead and is the son of God."

If we accept though, that Jesus was the son of an Infinite Being capable of anything, he probably did have a Playstation. Probably a Playstation 7. I know I have to get my offspring all the latest gadgets. God would probably have said to him, "I was going to wait another two thousand years to give you this but seeing as you have been good... just don't tell your mother about Grand Theft Auto."

Also, is it true that Jesus can be stabbed during a sword fight and be ok due to the fact that he can only die if he gets his head chopped off?

Regards, David.

__

From: Darryl Robinson

Date: Friday 12 March 2010 10.13am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight. Learning the teachings of the Bible is not just about religion. It teaches a set of ethics that are sadly not taught by parents nowadays.

Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain

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From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 12 March 2010 2.23pm

To: Darryl Robinson

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

You raise a valid point and I appreciate you pointing out my failings as a parent. Practising a system of ethics based on the promise of a reward, in your case an afterlife, is certainly preferable to practising a system of ethics based on it simply being the right thing to do.

Many years ago, I lived next door to a Christian named Mr Stevens. You could tell he was a Christian because he had a fish sticker on his Datsun. He used to wave at us kids from his bathroom window on hot summer days as we played in the sprinkler. I learnt a lot from Mr Stevens. Mainly about wrestling holds. The trick is to oil up really well making it hard for the other person to hold you down. I would often lie on his living room rug looking up at the pictures of sunsets behind quotes from Psalms while waiting for him to unwrap his legs from around my torso.

Your job would be made much easier if, after making the school children sit through an hour of church youth group teens dancing, singing and re-enacting Jewish magic tricks, you simply told them that it was just a small taste of what hell is like and if they didn't believe in Jesus they would have to sit through it again.

When I was at school, we were forced to attend a similar presentation. Herded into the gym under the pretence of free chips, we were assaulted with an hour of hippies playing guitars and a dance routine featuring some kind of colourful coat and a lot of looking upwards. Due to the air-conditioning in the packed gym not working and it being a hot day, the hippie wearing the colourful coat blacked out mid performance and struck his head against the front edge of the stage spraying the first row of cross-legged children with blood. Unconscious, he also urinated. There was a bit of screaming and an ambulance involved and everyone agreed it was the best play they had ever seen.

Regards, David.

__

From: Darryl Robinson

Date: Friday 12 March 2010 2.47pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Hello David

I don't see what any of that has to do with this play. It's important for children to have balance in their life and spirituality is as important in a childs life as everything else. There's an old saying that life without religion is life without beauty.

Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain

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From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 12 March 2010 3.36pm

To: Darryl Robinson

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

I agree completely that balance is an important component of a child's education. I will assume then that you will also be organising a class excursion to a play depicting the fifteen billion year expansion of the universe from its initial particle soup moments following the big bang through to molecule coalescion, galaxy and planetary formation and eventually life?

Perhaps your church youth group could put together an interpretive dance routine representing the behaviour of Saturn's moon Hyperion, shattered by an ancient collision and falling randomly back together, tugged to and fro by the gravitational pull of Titan, sixteen sister moons, the multi-billionfold moonlets of Saturn's rings, Saturn's gravitational field, companion planets, the variability's of Sol, stars, galaxy, neighbouring galaxies... or possibly not, according to an old saying, there is no beauty in this.

Also, while I understand that the play is to be held outside school grounds, due to the fact that it is illegal to present medieval metaphysic propaganda in public schools, it is also my understanding that you are now required by law, as of last year, to go by the title Christian Volunteer rather than School Chaplain. A memo you may have missed or filed in your overflowing 'facts that cease to exist when they are ignored' tray.

Regards, David.

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From: Darryl Robinson

Date: Monday 15 March 2010 9.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

I'm not going to waste any more precious time replying to your stupid emails. If you don't want your child to attend the play just indicate that on the permission slip.

__

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 15 March 2010 11.04am

To: Darryl Robinson

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

__

From: Darryl Robinson

Date: Monday 15 March 2010 2.11pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: No Subject

I will pray for you.

__

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 15 March 2010 2.19pm

To: Darryl Robinson

Subject: Re: No Subject

Thanks. Mention that I want a Toyota Prado if you get the chance. A white one. With dark grey leather interior and sat nav.

Regards, David.

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From: Darryl Robinson

Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 9.20am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: No Subject

I've had enough of your nonsense. Dont email me again.

__

From: GOD

Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 10.18am

To: Darryl Robinson

Subject: Word of God

DARYL, THIS IS GOD. BUY DAVID A TOYOTA PRADO. A WHITE ONE. WITH DARK GREY LEATHER INTERIOR AND SAT NAV.

From: Darryl Robinson

Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 2.35pm

To: GOD Cc: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Word of God

I'm serious.

__

From: GOD

Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 2.48pm

To: Darryl Robinson

Subject: Re: Re: Word of God

OK.

[El Presidente]

Can't wait to check my messages in the am

Father Neil...I know you read the forum and I would just like to point out that Ken, while a heathen, does not intentionally set out to upset Christians....or Japanese....or Japanese Christian Whalers.

He can't help it father. Given you are a lover of Siglo 1's and fine wine I recommend a visit to Kens deck for a cigar and if you have time...a general exorcism.

[Ken Gargett]

Can't wait to check my messages in the am

Father Neil...I know you read the forum and I would just like to point out that Ken, while a heathen, does not intentionally set out to upset Christians....or Japanese....or Japanese Christian Whalers.

He can't help it father. Given you are a lover of Siglo 1's and fine wine I recommend a visit to Kens deck for a cigar and if you have time...a general exorcism.

father neil would be most welcome. you've been on the deck with my good friend father sholto.

[El Presidente]

father neil would be most welcome. you've been on the deck with my good friend father sholto.

I enjoyed Father Sholto's company. However turning you to the righteous path is more than one priest can manage. We would need to get them both together. If they are not too exhausted afterwards maybe they could conjure a small miracle and clean the place up a bit

[Warren]

Screw the priests, I think we should get David Thorne on the deck.

That would be a hoot.

[Guest rob]

I apologise in advance to anyone who is offended.... but this cracked me up! I literally laughed out loud at a few of those emails.

[El Presidente]

Neil...while you are at it, say a prayer for my friend rob as well. He lives in Canberra....really

[anacostiakat]

I enjoyed Father Sholto's company. However turning you to the righteous path is more than one priest can manage. We would need to get them both together. If they are not too exhausted afterwards maybe they could conjure a small miracle and clean the place up a bit

It takes a village. . .

[Ken Gargett]

I apologise in advance to anyone who is offended.... but this cracked me up! I literally laughed out loud at a few of those emails.

i have to confess, so to speak, that i pissed myself.

[Stalebread]

This is funny. I love it.

[Stalebread]

Screw the priests, I think we should get David Thorne on the deck.

That would be a hoot.

(emphasis added)

I'm not sure, but this may be allowed only in a few denominations.

[thechenman]

Fricken hilarious...

[SandmanTR]

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Thanks Ken!!!

EDIT: Here is his website! Pure genius, IMHO.

http://www.27bslash6.com/p2p2.html

[OZCUBAN]

Love it

[khomeinist]

My kind of humor. Hippies, donkeys, and Prados. Oh my!

[mazolaman]

That is hilarious

[Guest rob]

Neil...while you are at it, say a prayer for my friend rob as well. He lives in Canberra....really

LOL... I need salvation from Hell, you reckon?

but seriously, it doesn't get any better than a line like this. Reading it again makes me laugh louder - In fact, im thinking of making it my new sig tag.

"Also, your inference that I am without religion is incorrect and I am actually torn between two faiths; while your god's promise of eternal life is very persuasive, the Papua New Guinean mud god, Pikkiwoki, is promising a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry. "

[chrisguinther]

Which one was sending out the emails to pay his electrical bill, the chaplain or the dad?

[Ken Gargett]

Which one was sending out the emails to pay his electrical bill, the chaplain or the dad?

ceratinly not the chaplain. it should all be in an earlier post, though no idea how you find it. colt seems to know such things.

[SandmanTR]

ceratinly not the chaplain. it should all be in an earlier post, though no idea how you find it. colt seems to know such things.

Actually it was to pay for some medical work. Here is the posting.

http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html

[MIKA27]

'Purportedly Magic Jew.'

Thanks for posting Ken, I must confess that I almost blew my morning Latte on the PC monitor as well as pissing my pants!

[Cubanface]

Simply awesome. The best part in my opinion-

From: Darryl Robinson

Date: Monday 15 March 2010 2.11pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: No Subject

I will pray for you.

__

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 15 March 2010 2.19pm

To: Darryl Robinson

Subject: Re: No Subject

Thanks. Mention that I want a Toyota Prado if you get the chance. A white one. With dark grey leather interior and sat nav.

Regards, David.

[Ken Gargett]

Actually it was to pay for some medical work. Here is the posting.

http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html

ta for that - knew it was a payment for something.

this is another of his classics.

From: Simon Edhouse

Date: Monday 16 November 2009 2.19pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Logo Design

Hello David, <H5>I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days? I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.

Simon

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 16 November 2009 3.52pm

To: Simon Edhouse

Subject: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based on further vague promises of future possible payment. Please find attached pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.

Regards, David.

From: Simon Edhouse

Date: Monday 16 November 2009 4.11pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Logo Design

Is that supposed to be a ******* joke? I told you the previous projects did not go ahead. I invested a lot more time and energy in those projects than you did. If you put as much energy into the projects as you do being a dickhead you would be a lot more successful.

<H5>From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 16 November 2009 5.27pm

To: Simon Edhouse

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

You are correct and I apologise. Your last project was actually both commercially viable and original. Unfortunately the part that was commercially viable was not original, and the part that was original was not commercially viable.

I would no doubt find your ideas more 'cutting edge' and original if I had traveled forward in time from the 1950's but as it stands, your ideas for technology based projects that have already been put into application by other people several years before you thought of them fail to generate the enthusiasm they possibly deserve. Having said that though, if I had traveled forward in time, my time machine would probably put your peer to peer networking technology to shame as not only would it have commercial viability, but also an awesome logo and accompanying pie charts.

Regardless, I have, as requested, attached a logo that represents not only the peer to peer networking project you are currently working on, but working with you in general.

Regards, David.

From: Simon Edhouse

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 11.07am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

You just crossed the line. You have no idea about the potential this project has. The technology allows users to network peer to peer, add contacts, share information and is potentially worth many millions of dollars and your short sightedness just cost you any chance of being involved.

From: David Thorne

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 1.36pm

To: Simon Edhouse

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

So you have invented Twitter. Congratulations. This is where that time machine would definitely have come in quite handy.

When I was about twelve, I read that time slows down when approaching the speed of light so I constructed a time machine by securing my father's portable generator to the back of my mini-bike with rope and attaching the drive belt to the back wheel. Unfortunately, instead of traveling through time and finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty metres along the footpath at 200mph before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the nurse filling out the hospital accident report "Cause of accident?" I stated 'time travel attempt' but she wrote down 'stupidity'.

If I did have a working time machine, the first thing I would do is go back four days and tell myself to read the warning on the hair removal cream packaging where it recommends not using on sensitive areas. I would then travel several months back to warn myself against agreeing to do copious amounts of design work for an old man wielding the business plan equivalent of a retarded child poking itself in the eye with a spoon, before finally traveling back to 1982 and explaining to myself the long term photographic repercussions of going to the hairdresser and asking for a haircut exactly like Simon LeBon's the day before a large family gathering.

Regards, David.

From: Simon Edhouse

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.29pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

You really are a ******* idiot and have no idea what you are talking about. The project I am working on will be more successful than twitter within a year. When I sell the project for 40 million dollars I will ignore any emails from you begging to be a part of it and will send you a postcard from my yaght. Ciao.

From: David Thorne

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.58pm

To: Simon Edhouse

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

From: Simon Edhouse

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.10pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Anyone else would be able to see the opportunity I am presenting but not you. You have to be a ******* smart arse about it. All I was asking for was a logo and a few pie charts which would have taken you a few ******* hours.

From: David Thorne

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.25pm

To: Simon Edhouse

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

Actually, you were asking me to design a logotype which would have taken me a few hours and fifteen years experience. For free. With pie charts. Usually when people don't ask me to design them a logo, pie charts or website, I, in return, do not ask them to paint my apartment, drive me to the airport, represent me in court or whatever it is they do for a living. Unfortunately though, as your business model consists entirely of "Facebook is cool, I am going to make a website just like that", this non exchange of free services has no foundation as you offer nothing of which I wont ask for.

Regards, David

From: Simon Edhouse

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.43pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

What the **** is your point?

Are you going to do the logo and charts for me or not?

From: David Thorne

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.02pm

To: Simon Edhouse

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

From: Simon Edhouse

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.13pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Do not ever email me again.

From: David Thorne

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.19pm

To: Simon Edhouse

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Ok. Good luck with your project. If you need anything let me know.

Regards, David

From: Simon Edhouse

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.27pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Get ****ed.

</H5></H5>

[SandmanTR]

Ken, the PIE chart one is my favorite! That last PIE chart had me rolling till tears were streaming down my face.

[Ken Gargett]

Ken, the PIE chart one is my favorite! That last PIE chart had me rolling till tears were streaming down my face.

ditto for me with the para re the cause of accident.