golf

[Ken Gargett]

Only a true golfer will understand this.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there..

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts

It's not a gimme if you're still 5 metres away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat pies and fart if you are performing Brain Surgery !!!!

[Guest rob]

Anyone who plays, or has ever played, knows just about all of this is accurate to the point of sadness.

[tucomapache]

Ken, You nailed it to a "tee"

Thanks, joe..

[kilroy]

Yeah those are all pretty much true... there are a few more and a couple of drunken golf observations:

Golf and sex are a couple of the only things you don't have to be good at to enjoy (along with launching nuclear weapons at your enemies).

A bad cigar can ruin a good round of golf and and a good cigar can save a bad round of golf.

Who needs a wife when you pay a caddie to hand you the wrong club, tell you the wrong read on a putt and tell you how horrible you're playing.

Finally: You only play well when you've got your mind on other things besides golf! Once I was hungover and threw up in the garbage can on the first tee at the starter's tent. Plus I thought my gf at the time was pregnant (which facilitated the hangover)... so the LAST thing on my mind was golf... after the double bogey on the first hole I went on later to have 6 birdies in a row and set a new course record. That's why I always insist on having the best cigars with me on the course to focus on!! Barring that I tip the hottie in the drink cart that I affectionately call 'topheavy' so she'll come around often on hot summer rounds.

[jmasterj]

YES!

[dochowl]

Great post and all true. Just played this morning and I can attest to them all.

[smk819]

Last weekend I was having a particlarly bad round even for me. The 18th is a par 3 and I was 20 yards short of the green. Of course I chiped in for a birdie just to get me to come back and suffer more.

[BobLobLaw]

Sunday I played with three old friends and we split up into "teams" for a friendly wager. $5/hole, lowest team score vs lowest team score. Now, none of us are spectacular, ranging between 45-55 per nine, but I had the luck of getting the best golfer of the group and going into 18 we were up $25. (big money, I know!)

In any case, a double or nothing proposition was made and after much negotiating it was decided that for the 18th hole it would be total team score combined not lowest individual score. Ok, so far so good. Its a par five, fairly straight with water on the left and long grass on the right. Long story shot we pulled out the 18-19 win in a hole that had a total of 7 lost balls and numerous expletives. Talk about winning ugly. However, it was a fantastic day.