golfing hit man

[Ken Gargett]

Golfing Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his **** off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here.

[El Presidente]

Have you packed yet?

[shrink]

Ken, just think how much you saved by shooting yourself in the foot.

[Ken Gargett]

» Have you packed yet?

are you kidding? i have a three page list of about 120 things to do, emails to send, people to annoy, just one article to do, things to clean, etc etc etc, before the 3.30am taxi. i treat this like exams. i need to place myself under real pressure for best results (hence, the lack thereof). i will find anything to distract me till about 9 tonight, then do the emails, articles etc. around 12, i'll start to pack and clean. chances of sleep zero. chances of me being the grumpiest bloke on the plane. extremely high.

and today has been a bit chaotic as have finally, mostly resolved fight with lord mayor, council, energx etc and also the air pac debacle. want the council to move? copy your tirade to the courier mail (they were not to know that the person copied was my weekend wine editor - three months of not being able to get anyone to move and that one email - today i have had endless calls, trucks arriving, heads of depts chasing me, and the lackey from the local ward who felt that me telling the lord mayor she was a moron (and i do apologise to all morons, they deserve better) and her boss, the councillor, less useful than a dead jellyfish washed up on the beach, was harsh. it was actually generous).

it has been fun!