Humor for spicy food lovers!

[Fosgate]

Little humor for your day. Post any of your own.

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like ****, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

[tmac77]

brilliant...

[foreese]

I cant stop laughing

[Geaux]

I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Ha!

Funny stuff there. Thanks for sharing

[Quint]

Read this somewhere before great story...

[...]

Niiice, thanks for sharing

[stukibuilt]

My wife just looked at me like I was psychotic because I couldn't restrain the laughter. Great story. Ha ha ha.

[Fosgate]

[OZCUBAN]

Brilliant thanks for posting

[canadianbeaver]

Oh my God. I'm dying in hysterics. Thank you!

[JWPlatinum]

hahah i really liked this. thanks for sharing!

[Fosgate]

OMG!! I just got back from having lunch with friends at an Indian food buffet and had to put this down here right away.

So there I was just at the end of a buffet line and grabbing my naan bread and some mint at the end etc. This redhead woman probably in her mid 60's stops a waiter just coming out of the kitchen and asks. "Which of this is mild? I can't really eat anything spicy." The waiter just non nonchalantly gestures toward the food and says, "It's all mild madam." and the nods and confirms "OK." I tried not to swallow my tongue mind you. I bring my own mother there after her neck surgery where she lost much of her sense of taste and is one place she enjoys because she can actually taste the spices. I try to not let my teeth pop out of my face as I sit down with my friends, one who is a police officer who notices my expression right away and grins as he inquires what's going on. I fill them all in and everyone is chuckling knowing today is the day that everything is spicy with some sass.

The heat on some items is bearable to us that eat it traditionally tearing off a chunk of naan bread and using it to pinch and grab chunks of food. To eat it without naan or rice is just not advisable. Now you have to realize in this part of the country growing up the population is primarily Scandinavian. People my community thought beef stroganoff was spicy and that's just cream, milk, butter and ground beef with maybe a little black pepper. If we are lucky we will see her head explode. The woman walks by us and you can see she has two of the hottest items. Spicy Chicken Curry and a vegetable and potato with hot curry that takes 30 seconds to hit but when it does it's like getting mugged. Of course she is watching her carb intake so she has only a little hill of rice to combat it. As we listen for her two tables away, everyone remained silent with our heads lowered and just looking up enough for me to see her first few bites.

I think I saw her say "Boy this is hot" twice while talking to her husband. She instantly raises the attention of the waiter and at that time you can see it really hit as her eyes shot wide open. "BINGO!" I say under my breath. At that moment my friends all glanced over in her direction to see her bug eyed as she dove for a glass of water and knocked it over instead. The waiter panacked at this and went for the water. The panic in the woman was more severe as she saw her salvation fade but quickly went for her husbands glass without hesitation. I believe if her head could have fit in that glass she would have made it. She made contact with the water and it seemed to help as she was fanning the air but that quickly went to a relief twitch to a "Help I'm drowing!" twitch.

At this point my table starts to loose it's composure. We were all trying to laugh but hold our breath at the same time leading to a pressure buildup. Some of us are snorting trying to remain silent and my police officer chum snaps forward facing front with a big grin but know he should not be seen laughing at someone. Instead he is watching our reactions and starting to bust out as he hears the chaos unfolding and our reactions.

The woman dislodged the glass from her face and replaced it with the lap towel. At this point the waiter looked back and saw this woman trying to eat his napkins and asked what is wrong. Her husband replied that the food was spicy and the waiter replied "It's is all mild." Which the woman snapped up out of her seat like she had a bucket of ice water poured down her back. She yanked the towel out of her mouth and in a loud high pitch, "This is not mild! I told you I can't can't eat spicy food." Many people in the place had been watching by know and one guy piped in like a heckler at a comedy show "Then why are you in an Indian restaurant?" The woman scoffed but quickly started loosing her composure as the spice was getting to here as you could see around her lips was turning red.

"Ah, **** I can't go anywhere with you guys!" my police friend says as he gets up and keeps this from escalating. He walks the woman and her husband outside and goes to work for a few minutes and comes back in with a big grin. The wait staff were kind enough to bring her a couple pieces of naan bread and water at the suggestion of my buddy. We talked around our vehicles and he was saying the restaurant was wanting to get paid but he basically told them they could have expected payment had they did not properly address her concern as I had stated. He was still laughing about the woman because she was from a rural community and said a plain Taco Bell taco is too spicy for her. His response "Holy **** are you in the wrong place lady!"