Weekend Funny

[Squarehead]

Boy says to his dad"I'll take a career in organised crime",dad says"Government or Private Sector?

[garbandz]

When asked how his weekend stay was at a well known English country house,Churchill replied:

"If the soup had been as warm as the wine,the wine as old as the chicken,the chicken as tender as the upstairs maid,and the upstairs maid as willing as the Duchess,it would have been a most excellent time......."

[cigcars]

...and speaking of Sir Winston: he and Lady Astor were famous for their enmity with each other. But as it was World War ll, and the British leadership had to keep up a united front for the inspiration of their people during their hardship times in the war, they muted their great dislike of each other. You may have read or heard about Lady Astor's telling Churchill that if she were married to him she'd pour arsenic in his coffee. And Winston Churchill told her, "And if I were married to you I'd drink it!"

[Habana Mike]

Friend of mine is famous for the fairly frequent email laugh or two.

His most recent:

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every f***ing one of them.

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant...It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex.

I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out. I said, “My wife thinks that my **** tastes funny".

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bi*ch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our wedding video”

Life is like a penis....Soft and hanging freely....It’s women that make it hard

I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad”
That spider never knew what f***ng hit it.

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.

[Bulldog4]

lol mike the wedding video is funniest imo