english cricket - the gift that keeps giving

[Ken Gargett]

i am just enjoying english cricket – the gift that keeps giving.

please correct me if any of this is wrong but after the ignominy of being, not just beaten, but thrashed by a side that included george bailey (imagine the odds you could have got on that 2 months ago), and making all the right noises about a brighter future and starting the preparation for the next ashes immediately, they have done the impossible and plumbed new depths (and no, i cannot write this without a smile, nay a big broad grin). yes, i know that 12 months ago, we were little better. and that the worm will turn in time, but i lived in england during the 86/87 debacle and still have the mental scars. so i’m allowed a little payback – those 20 years of ashes dominance were not enough.

their non-english english manager, petal, has announced that he will be maintaining his position (almost makes him sound like gillard a few months back) no matter what, and in the meantime, has point blank refused to accept an iota of blame for the team’s predicament (if this were a movie, it would be ‘towering inferno meets Poseidon meets the Hindenburg meets star wars, vol 1’ – stars wars vol 1, being the really bad one, i think?). one might have assumed that it was up to the english cricket board, hereinafter known as the ostriches for obvious reasons, to make such a decision but given that england’s non-playing captain, at least i assume he was a non-playing capt, left all decisions to others, it would seem that petal is only following the precedent. meantime, said non-playing captain, alistair choirboy, has announced that he would like to remain england’s non-playing captain (at least, he has the good manners to not just assume – we await the ostriches), though it is revealed that he lost his copy of rudyard kipling when about 3 years old and never replaced it – if you can keep your copy when those around are losing theirs.... apparently there are no other non-playing captains in contention so no one objects. piers morgan would apply but he will be in traction for the next three years anyway – the one result from the ashes that all fans can agree is a good thing.

dictionaries around the planet have been busily inserting choirboy’s picture into the space where custer used to be. and the ostriches bury themselves a little deeper.

at this rate, english schoolchildren will soon rank their national cricket team lower than the catholic church when it comes to role models.

if that is not enough, petal, who is not a selector (unless the ostriches’ website is woefully out of date) and has donned a monocle and a three-cornered admiral’s hat, and announces from his position in the Titanic’s lifeboat, that unless flashman is dropped by the selectors, he will resign from his position as the non-english england manager. this may seem odd to all other cricket playing nations who, while they might not particularly like flashman, know that on his, fortunately rarer and rarer, day, he is by far the poms’ best.

now, this would seem like the Emperor’s New Clothes bluff to beat them all and a perfect opportunity for the ostriches to emerge, shake off the sand, and say ‘thank you, petal, but please take your bat and ball and go home. literally.” but no – at least not at time of writing.

again, the person/officials anointed to make a decision has/have been ignored, indeed trampled over by others. what hope?

meanwhile flashman announces he wants to play until he is 85, score more runs than every english cricketer combined, not get out to peter siddle, earn the equivalent of a mid-level nation’s GDP from the IPL and make a friend (okay, i made that last one up, but you knew that – it was simply too farfetched).

in fairness to flashman, he is by far their most threatening batsman and australia has shown that it is possible to have a complete and total tool in your team and still win. it would seem that woof and the former mr bingle laid down the law to prince charming and convinced him not to be a complete tosser when around the team. it might have been nice to convince to, just once, score some runs when they might be needed, and not when they are less useful than an english wicketkeeper, but baby steps.

the clash between petal and flashman, both playing away, promises to be even more interesting than the actual cricket. and better still, guaranteed to have no winners but us!

elsewhere, reports have come in that graham swann has just tripped over oates’ corpse, he also having also told teammates that he was ‘just going outside and may be some time’.

at least england have stuck to their word and they have commenced preparation for the 2015 ashes, in exactly the manner we enjoyed over several decades. tearing themselves apart. by the time the cricket is due to start, every chance that there is no one left and that all colours have been removed from the english flag, except the white.

as an aside, all other non-english english cricketers, petal and flashman aside, have sought legal advice on their immigration status, in the hope of being banned from playing for england.

meanwhile, not apropos of anything, can anyone else remember a team having 8 of its 11 bat left handed. the odds? not that it helped.

[Guest rob]

Sitting on my back deck watching the sun set, smoking a PLPC and reading Ken's essay made me smile!

[OZCUBAN]

South Africa next on the hit list