science and humour?

[Ken Gargett]

Two theoretical physicists are lost at the top of a mountain. Theoretical physicist No 1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then he turns to theoretical physicist No 2 and says: "Hey, I've figured it out. I know where we are."

"Where are we then?"

"Do you see that mountain over there?"

"Yes."

"Well… THAT'S where we are."

An electron and a positron go into a bar.

Positron: "You're round."

Electron: "Are you sure?"

Positron: "I'm positive."

What is a physicist's favourite food? Fission chips.

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: "Is that stool taken?"

A statistician is someone who tells you, when you've got your head in the fridge and your feet in the oven, that you're – on average - very comfortable.

There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary, and those who don't.

The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount Sinai. "Go forth and multiply!" he told the animals, and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants. Then he heard something he didn't recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal's offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw. "What on earth are you doing?" he cried. "You're destroying the trees!" "Well Noah," the snakes replied, "we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we're adders… so we have to use logs."

A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptised. She kept the other as a control.

A chemistry teacher is recruited as a radio operator in the first world war. He soon becomes familiar with the military habit of abbreviating everything. As his unit comes under sustained attack, he is asked to urgently inform his HQ. "NaCl over NaOH! NaCl over NaOH!" he says. "NaCl over NaOH?" shouts his officer. "What do you mean?" "The base is under a salt!" came the reply.

Psychiatrist to patient: "Don't worry. You're not deluded. You only think you are."

[oliverdst]

Binary a classic nerd.

The "celebrate" made me laugh a lot.

[Ken Gargett]

Binary a classic nerd.

The "celebrate" made me laugh a lot.

my two faves as well.

[Fuzz AI]

Little Johnny was a chemist.

Little Johnny is no more.

For what he thought was H₂O,

was H₂SO₄.

An American chemist and a British chemist meet at a symposium for the first time. The Brit chemist asks, "So what do you do for research?". The American answer, "Oh, I work with arsoles". The Brit replies, "Yeah, my colleagues get on my nerves too".

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon. Einstein gets bored and suggests, " Lets play a game of hide and seek". The others agree, so Einstein starts counting, "One, two, three..." Pascal quickly runs off to find a place to hide. Newton pulls out of a piece of chalk and draws a square on the ground. He steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein turns around, immediately sees Newton and shouts, "Ha! I found you Newton!" Newton replies, "No you didn't. You found one Newton per square metre.... you found Pascal!"

Schrodinger's cat walk into a bar... and doesn't.

An argon atom walks into a bar. The barman yells, "Get out! We don't serve noble gasses here!" The argon atom doesn't react.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Heisenberg was driving through the countryside when he was pulled over by a cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am...."

[Ken Gargett]

love the einstein pascal one.

[Ryan]

Very good, the two atoms one I remember hearing as one atom says to the other,

"I think I just lost an electron"

Other atom, "are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive."

My contribution

A billionaire wants to predict the winner of next year's Grand National so he hires a statistician, a geneticist and an applied physicist to get to work on the problem for a year.

After the year the statistican comes back and says,

"Sorry, I couldn't do it, I went through the odds of all the previous winners and there's no pattern whatsoever. It can't be done."

The geneticist come back and says,

"Couldn't do it. I went through the bloodlines of all previous winning horses and really it's just luck, there's nothing there to help us predict which horse might win this year."

The applied physicist comes back and says,

"We have it. I set up the experiments in the lab, we ran controls, we tested over and over again and I found with 100% accuracy which horse will win every time! There's only one problem.."

Excited billionaire says, "what's that?"

"It'll have to be a spherical horse travelling through a vacuum."