Crikey, Mate! Who'd Want To Be An Aussie?

[Leopolis Semper Fidelis]

Strewth, throw another defeat on the barbie.

Rename that song Wilting Matilda. Feed Dundee to the Crocodile. Stick a dunce's hat on my head and call me Andrew Johns.

Stone the crows, cobber, it's been a bad week to be an Aussie. Actually, when is it a good week to be an Aussie?

First they got knocked off by the Poms in rugby, were hammered by the Kiwis in the under-20 World Cup rugby final, their tennis star Sam Stosur was rolled in the first round of Wimbledon, their cricketers got stumped by Pommy Land and their misery was completed when their soccer players were dumped out of the football World Cup.

Then in that game of politics - famed for its cheap shots and endless sledging - little Kevin Dud, er Rudd, was turfed out of the PM's job by a sheila from the land of Taffs. Talk about a kangaroo court.

Luckily, Oz can be guaranteed one success this weekend.

The annual Cane Toad Derby and dwarf-throwing championships are under starter's orders.

[dicko]

I'm hanging around for the weather, its the middle of winter today, and it is bright sun and im wearing shorts! Might have an afternoon cigar, thinking boli CE

[asmith]

Yeah but its still better than being a Kiwi.

[Ken Gargett]

Yeah but its still better than being a Kiwi.

smithy, completely agree. anything is better than being a kiwi (we still ended up with more points than them in oikball even after all the fuss).

i also completely agree re the rugby. hopeless. shows how utterly immature we are that we lost to that mob. dire. and seriously, way past time for that useless hack giteau to pull up stumps. shows we are at least 18 months short of where we need to be for the world cup.

the under 20's, not so bad even though they did get flogged by the kiwis in the final. great effort for them to get there. apparently, don't ask me why, we play a team that is a year younger than all the rest. so fair effort. what is extraordinary is that, even taking that into account, the under 20 (under19?) pack is heavier than the real wallabies. either some serious talent or some fat kids with spare holidays.

as for woman's tennis? seriously? i thought this was about sport? ditto one day cricket (i presume that there is a series on somewhere?). those two are the sauvignon blanc of the sports world.

best sport of the week was in canberra.

[ARRV]

Soccer - whatever

Rugby - I have come to believe that there is something inherent in the Australian psyche that prevents us from winning consistently in rugby - basically nice guys. Whereas cricket team are a pack of chunts - even tho losing now they never or rarely lose for want of trying whereas wallabies often just don't turn up

[Kangaroo495]

Gee, I never thought of this. It's quite true, I suppose. But I've had the complete opposite opinion lately. Was happy with the French Open result in women's tennis. Was also really happy with our win over Serbia at the World Cup. Making the finals of the WC - well it's only for a select few. Can't be good at everything.

Re: rugby, cricket. Don't follow rugby, and don't really keep in touch with cricket news since moving overseas. But it's never good to hear about us losing - especially to Poms and Kiwis!

Though correct me if I'm wrong - we did knock off the Poms a few weeks ago in the rugby didn't we?

Still got a few Aussies in the Wimbledon draw, so hopefully that will go well.

Anyway, Leopolis, you make a good point. But in making this point, you also highlight the fact that we're participating in a lot of different sports (perhaps disproportionate compared to the size of the population). And you gotta be in it to win it!

Anyway, we gotta let the Poms win sometimes. Otherwise they might start whingeing. We prefer to lose than listen to that.

[bunburyist]

Rugby - I have come to believe that there is something inherent in the Australian psyche that prevents us from winning consistently in rugby - basically nice guys.

Hahahahahahahahahahhahahaha!!!

ahhhh.....

ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

[ARRV]

Hahahahahahahahahahhahahaha!!!

ahhhh.....

ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

[Leopolis Semper Fidelis]

Ken and Smithy, because you two fellows have a soft spot for EnZedders, here's something special for you. It was passed on to me by a bloke from Godzone:

Some Aussies and some Kiwis are about to catch a train from London to Cambridge. After the Aussies buy their tickets at the station, they notice that the Kiwis buy only one. Puzzled, they ask the Kiwis why they have only one ticket. The Kiwis say, "Watch and learn". On the train, just before the guard comes to check the tickets, the Kiwis go to the lavatory, observed by the Aussies. The guard approaches the lavatory, and says: "Ticket, please!", and a hand pops out of the door with a ticket. On the return journey, the Aussies buy just one ticket, but notice that the Kiwis don't buy any at all. Puzzled, they ask why, only to be told, "Watch and learn". Soon after leaving Cambridge, the Aussies go to the lavatory. Observing this, a Kiwi approaches the lavatory, and says in his best English accent, "Ticket, please!".

[Leopolis Semper Fidelis]

Further to the above, a couple of quotes from Rob Muldoon:

“New Zealand was colonised initially by those Australians who had the initiative to escape.”

“New Zealanders who emigrate to Australia raise the IQ of both countries.”

(Sir Robert David Muldoon, GCMG, CH, served as Prime Minister of New Zealand from 1975 to 1984.)

[ARRV]

Further to the above, a couple of quotes from Rob Muldoon:

“New Zealand was colonised initially by those Australians who had the initiative to escape.”

“New Zealanders who emigrate to Australia raise the IQ of both countries.”

(Sir Robert David Muldoon, GCMG, CH, served as Prime Minister of New Zealand from 1975 to 1984.)

NZ has a prime minister? I thought Australian states and territories only had premiers??

[Ken Gargett]

Hahahahahahahahahahhahahaha!!!

ahhhh.....

ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

couple of points if i may.

first, that joke was originally the other way around - at least it was when i first heard it about 20 years ago, but we are used to kiwis desparately copying everything we do.

next, muldoon. i vaguely remembered him as some sort of gross whinger from across the pond (you have to remember that in oz, we don't get a lot of news from distant irrelevant outposts like vladivostock, timbuctoo, auckland - although we did hear that auckland recently became a twin sister city, or whatever you call them, with gympie). so i googled him. turns out he is some sort of illiterate blogger about arsenal. perhaps there are two of them.

he did get a bit of press over here when he whinged about us winning some sort of cricket game - never quite understood kiwis. that bowling incident was the greatest gift we could have ever given nz. it dragged the entire country out of its fifties slumber and gave everyone a reason to wake up in the morning - bitching at us. the cross we bear.

now, for our pommy friend. i can understand your glee. it has been a big week for england (and at least you can legitimately say you elected your prime minister).

the rugby - your mob came over to fight for the cook cup. you lost that (if i may say, perhaps better to say we retained it). so in the dead, irrelevant game of the series, you snuck home by a single point against one of the most inept rugby teams on the planet (that would be us) when our chief moron missed from in front (seriously, he must have had a bucket on the poms to win). undoubtedly cause for national celebration. take what you can get, i say.

the under 20's. yes, we got flogged in the final (though for some daft reason, we were apparently fielding a team that was a year younger than everyone else). i do seem to recall that we got to the final by beating, who was it?, oh yes, your mob.

women's tennis? talk of scraping the bottom of the barrel. if we stretch the boundaries and consider it sport, yes, whatever her name was didn't win the french but she did make the final. something i would hazard a guess no english woman has done in your lifetime? and if i am correct, your one vaguely promising player has spent 90% of her life here before being pinched to play for your lot. sounds very much like your cricket team.

cricket? there is apparently a one day comp in which we are coming second. enjoy that because we have the serious stuff soon. i don't think it will be quite as bad as the last time your mob visited here but...

finally, oikball. at this stage of the cup, your lot have had, if i am correct, exactly the same number of wins as our hopeless, whinging jokes. and there is every chance that is how it will finish. but we were 500-1 to win the thing and if i recall, this is one of the very few sports that you were actually starting as on of the favourites.

a glorious week indeed. sunday rant over. although did anyone mention snooker?

[bunburyist]

couple of points if i may.

first, that joke was originally the other way around - at least it was when i first heard it about 20 years ago, but we are used to kiwis desparately copying everything we do.

next, muldoon. i vaguely remembered him as some sort of gross whinger from across the pond (you have to remember that in oz, we don't get a lot of news from distant irrelevant outposts like vladivostock, timbuctoo, auckland - although we did hear that auckland recently became a twin sister city, or whatever you call them, with gympie). so i googled him. turns out he is some sort of illiterate blogger about arsenal. perhaps there are two of them.

he did get a bit of press over here when he whinged about us winning some sort of cricket game - never quite understood kiwis. that bowling incident was the greatest gift we could have ever given nz. it dragged the entire country out of its fifties slumber and gave everyone a reason to wake up in the morning - bitching at us. the cross we bear.

now, for our pommy friend. i can understand your glee. it has been a big week for england (and at least you can legitimately say you elected your prime minister).

the rugby - your mob came over to fight for the cook cup. you lost that (if i may say, perhaps better to say we retained it). so in the dead, irrelevant game of the series, you snuck home by a single point against one of the most inept rugby teams on the planet (that would be us) when our chief moron missed from in front (seriously, he must have had a bucket on the poms to win). undoubtedly cause for national celebration. take what you can get, i say.

the under 20's. yes, we got flogged in the final (though for some daft reason, we were apparently fielding a team that was a year younger than everyone else). i do seem to recall that we got to the final by beating, who was it?, oh yes, your mob.

women's tennis? talk of scraping the bottom of the barrel. if we stretch the boundaries and consider it sport, yes, whatever her name was didn't win the french but she did make the final. something i would hazard a guess no english woman has done in your lifetime? and if i am correct, your one vaguely promising player has spent 90% of her life here before being pinched to play for your lot. sounds very much like your cricket team.

cricket? there is apparently a one day comp in which we are coming second. enjoy that because we have the serious stuff soon. i don't think it will be quite as bad as the last time your mob visited here but...

finally, oikball. at this stage of the cup, your lot have had, if i am correct, exactly the same number of wins as our hopeless, whinging jokes. and there is every chance that is how it will finish. but we were 500-1 to win the thing and if i recall, this is one of the very few sports that you were actually starting as on of the favourites.

a glorious week indeed. sunday rant over. although did anyone mention snooker?

You guys were 150-1 actually. Shouldn't underestimate yourselves you know.

[Ken Gargett]

You guys were 150-1 actually. Shouldn't underestimate yourselves you know.

seriously? well that must aussies with too much dosh or perhaps they had realised our oikball players are far better at kicking the crap out refs than the ball.

i see where that moron harry kewell has said that refs deliberately target us (why the hell would they be bothered?) and that the bloke who sent him off would certainly not do it again. how the hell does he know that? i wonder if kewell has taken out english citizenship under the radar? you are welcome to him.

said he been sent off three times in his career and the refs were wrong every time. do these dills not have managers to suggst they shut up and not make complete fools of themselves?

[mazolaman]

No,you can keep Harry Kewell.......

Seriously think we may do you in the ashes,though....The manner of your recent defeats has been quite a spanking..

[Ken Gargett]

No,you can keep Harry Kewell.......

Seriously think we may do you in the ashes,though....The manner of your recent defeats has been quite a spanking..

tests are a completely different matter. you have a shot though you may find out just how good johnson really is - something he spectacularly failed to prove last series. ponting will be fired up and if hughes gets his head together we might have a dougie walters clone. how good would that be.

[Ken Gargett]

Thanks for the posts Ken, couldn't of put it plainer if I tried!

Just to dust off an old nugget, the only one I can think of ATM:

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks

into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his verandah patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi, 'G'day,

mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me

great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,

Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me

from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f***ing liar!!'

I know, a cheap shot, will have to trawl the "Kiwi Joke File" for something better. Now, back out to that beautiful sunshine and 21 degrees C (in the middle of winter - oh that's right, you don't get that in pommy-land! Oh well, at least you can keep warm with the sports section from the English newspapers).

cruel but fair.

[Fuzz AI]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the Eden Park parking lot. After Bledisloe Cup Tests a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, most Kiwi's are tight with their money".

[Ken Gargett]

As is the first post in this thread..... all's fair in drub's and scores....

If I've offended anyone overly, please let me know and I'll take down the post.

i'm assuming that offer doesn't apply to kiwis because it is hard to post without offending them (and i mean that in the nicest way possible - only today, i was buying gear for my next fishing trip there).

[Leopolis Semper Fidelis]

Hey, Ken, you'll love this one:

On arriving at Sydney, a famous Pommy raconteur was asked by Customs and Immigration if he had a criminal record. "I didn't realise it was still a requirement for entering Australia," came the response.

Apparently, the raconteur in question was Sir Peter Ustinov.