ENGLAND WIN AT CHILDREN'S VERSION OF CRICKET

[Ken Gargett]

mate sent this report - think it sums up 20-20, whichever side you are on. bring on the tests!

ENGLAND WIN AT CHILDREN'S VERSION OF CRICKET

17-05-10

ENGLAND cricket fans were celebrating last night as the national side won a version of the game developed especially for children.

Twenty20 is all about bright, happy colours and having fun

Paul Collingwood's team took the Twenty20 World Championship after beating a clearly confused Australian squad by seven wickets, 18 balls, half a litre of Diet Coke and a bag of Jenga blocks.

Australian captain Michael Clarke said: "We were knocking it over the boundary as usual, when Collingwood shouted 'donkey hats are wild!' and then rubbed some mango syrup into his legs.

"I asked the umpire what was going on and after consulting the rule book, which had obviously just been written in biro on the back of a till receipt, it appeared we had committed a 'Triple Lohan' and forfeited the match."

The shortened version of the game was invented in 2003 to convince the under 12s that cricket was not just for elderly homosexuals and dysfunctional Yorkshiremen.

But ECB officials soon realised the new format could deliver first class international victories as each game would be finished long before the traditional English test collapse.

Over the years the hip and exciting rules have been adapted to include new features such as the Wheel Of Runs, The Hawaiian Stump'n'Slide and Pick-a-Card-Any-Card umpiring.

England fan Charlie Reeves said: "We are - in certain circumstances and conditions - the champions! We are - in certain circumstances and conditions - the champions!"

[Wil]

20-20 is rubbish...

[dicko]

But ECB officials soon realised the new format could deliver first class international victories as each game would be finished long before the traditional English test collapse.

[Ken Gargett]

i think my fave line was pick-a-card-any-card umpiring.

[asmith]

mate sent this report - think it sums up 20-20, whichever side you are on. bring on the tests!

Ken, not sure if you do realise this but those Poms do own the Ashes at the moment, so what you are saying is that we as Aussies are not only **** at the 20/20 format of the game about also **** at Tests?

[mazolaman]

Awwwww shucks,Ken.........don't be sore............!

[KurtE]

tests are fine for me, i'd rather watch parts of a test equivalent in time to length of a 50-50 or 20-20

[Ken Gargett]

Ken, not sure if you do realise this but those Poms do own the Ashes at the moment, so what you are saying is that we as Aussies are not only **** at the 20/20 format of the game about also **** at Tests?

okay, first, "the 20/20 format of the game" suggests acknowledging that this crap is in some way related to cricket. it most definitely is not. and most of my pommy mates think the same way and, notwithstanding the endless tirade of nonsense i copped when we lost the ashes, only one bothered to send any sort of a note pointing out the win (and even that was half-hearted and that from a bloke that used to play for england). i really could not care less if we lost every game of that dire rubbish that we played from now till eternity, though it is in my dna to enjoy england losing anything against anyone (i was very fortunate to be living in england at the time of the 'hand of god' and i must say i have rarely enjoyed myself more).

2ndly, of course i am aware. we are not the force we were - that hardly makes us **** - but that does not mean i can't wait for the tests and i'll be genuinely disappointed and a little surprised if we don't recover them. we utterly stuffed up the ast series which we should have won easily. england are better than they often are but i don't think they are the side they were in 05 and it is away. i don't think we'll win as convincingly as we did last home series.

[bunburyist]

In Australian:

we utterly stuffed up the last series

In normal English:

we were schooled by the greatest team that ever was, is and shall be. The Ashes are in their rightful home, long may they stay there. We came well below GB in the 08 Olympics medal rankings, and we don't have a single player in the men's top 30 tennis rankings. England are 3rd favourites to win the world cup at 6/1, we're outperforming at 125/1. We're not bad at touch rugby though.

[Ken Gargett]

In Australian:

In normal English:

we were schooled by the greatest team that ever was, is and shall be. The Ashes are in their rightful home, long may they stay there. We came well below GB in the 08 Olympics medal rankings, and we don't have a single player in the men's top 30 tennis rankings. England are 3rd favourites to win the world cup at 6/1, we're outperforming at 125/1. We're not bad at touch rugby though.

there is one sport that we cannot hold a candle to the poms - self delusion.

we could start with tennis, though we've done it before, nor does england have anyone . who is the top ranked english player (in woman's, i believe it is some 14 year old you lured from oz to your shores). scotland is not england. your record in tennis v oz or v anyone is beyond dire. i gave up looking for the highest ranked english player (do imports like bogdanvich?? count?). i think there is one in the top 333's. and hewitt is 33 so touch d=selective (we've even got two more in the top 100 though lord knows how). at least our top player has a few grand slam wins, even if you blokes steal murray, i don't think that there is a pommy bloke alive who has won a grand slam. could be wrong.

and as for the first sentence, be careful or you'll put your tongue right through your cheek. enjoy the ashes for another few months - when is the third test, cause that is all we'll need. we look forward to a return to, as they said on that wonderful (english show), 'drop the dead donkey', a time when an entire generation of english children grow up thinking 'english-test-collapse' is a single word.

last time we played your mob at soccer, we gave you a towelling. it is nothing but a pleasant diversion down here for when the real sport isn't on.

i see despite endless assurances that a full strength team would be sent (although full strength english rugby team these days is something of an oxymoron), the players are diving for cover knowing that even against our bog average mob, they are in for yet another rugby lesson - if you are coming down for either the rugby or ashes, please let me know (so i can alert immigration) - we'll do a gold medal lunch.

[bunburyist]

I had hoped to come down for the rugby, but after this weekend there won't be an Aussie teams left in the Super 14. Much like last year. As for the 'international' tour, that's just a training trip.

Coming down for the cricket eh? Now that would be fun, shall try and wangle it with work.

[Ken Gargett]

I had hoped to come down for the rugby, but after this weekend there won't be an Aussie teams left in the Super 14. Much like last year. As for the 'international' tour, that's just a training trip.

Coming down for the cricket eh? Now that would be fun, shall try and wangle it with work.

do let us know.

i remember those photos. the aussie player laughed so hard he fell down.

at least i'm good enough not to mention our glorious qld boxer who knocked out your previously undefeated bloke at aston villa on the weekend.

[Ken Gargett]

actually, being that idiot rogers (who cost us the 03 world cup), he probably tripped over his own feet. had about 0.0002% of the ability of his old man (a league player who was known as the 'prince of centres' for good reason - truly extraordinary player).

[mazolaman]

- if you are coming down for either the rugby or ashes, please let me know (so i can alert immigration) - we'll do a gold medal lunch.

Why,do we still need to steel something to get in?

No.we arn't claiming Andy Murray,he's Scottish.....English claiming him is a popular myth,while we wish him well,we're not that bothered,unless he's playing Hewitt.

[Ken Gargett]

Why,do we still need to steel something to get in?

No.we arn't claiming Andy Murray,he's Scottish.....English claiming him is a popular myth,while we wish him well,we're not that bothered,unless he's playing Hewitt.

curious attitude between scots and poms. i well remember working in a law firm in london and we were discussing the british open at the time - fortunately i'm not the sort of person to point out in the last 50 years we've won it about twice as often as a pom - which was being played at st andrews (in scotland for those not familiar). a pommy lawyer walked in and got quite cross. i swear this is true. "i don't see why they have to play it in scotland. don't they know it is the british open, not the scotish open".

and kudos to you for not grabbing murray - every other pom i've met seems to treat him as home grown (after henman, i can understand if you were keen to to grab a serving macine).

[frenchkiwi]

curious attitude between scots and poms. i well remember working in a law firm in london and we were discussing the british open at the time - fortunately i'm not the sort of person to point out in the last 50 years we've won it about twice as often as a pom - which was being played at st andrews (in scotland for those not familiar). a pommy lawyer walked in and got quite cross. i swear this is true. "i don't see why they have to play it in scotland. don't they know it is the british open, not the scotish open".

and kudos to you for not grabbing murray - every other pom i've met seems to treat him as home grown (after henman, i can understand if you were keen to to grab a serving macine).

Ha ha I remember this scottish skier a few years ago who was proclaimed the great British hope by the English newspapers, won some kind of medal, then got disqualified for using a banned asthma inhaler or something and those same newspapers straight away switched to referring to him as Scottish. I couldn't believe my eyes! but par for the course i suppose.

Wish the Scots would get full independence, more likely to happen now that the "British" govt has raped all the north sea oil, just means they'd start out pretty skint. A lot of the upper middle classes have unfortunately been educated a l'anglaise in "public" schools like tony blair's, and have bought into this "britishness" thing as that is where money and comfort lies. Working classes haven't forgotten how they've been screwed over by southerners and their agents in the local elite for many centuries, a lot of deep-seated bitterness still there. Hopefully Alex Salmond and his SNP will convert them over to nationalism - it's been a bit harder to paint them as radicals now they're in govt. Here's to an independent Alba!

[Ken Gargett]

Ha ha I remember this scottish skier a few years ago who was proclaimed the great British hope by the English newspapers, won some kind of medal, then got disqualified for using a banned asthma inhaler or something and those same newspapers straight away switched to referring to him as Scottish. I couldn't believe my eyes! but par for the course i suppose.

Wish the Scots would get full independence, more likely to happen now that the "British" govt has raped all the north sea oil, just means they'd start out pretty skint. A lot of the upper middle classes have unfortunately been educated a l'anglaise in "public" schools like tony blair's, and have bought into this "britishness" thing as that is where money and comfort lies. Working classes haven't forgotten how they've been screwed over by southerners and their agents in the local elite for many centuries, a lot of deep-seated bitterness still there. Hopefully Alex Salmond and his SNP will convert them over to nationalism - it's been a bit harder to paint them as radicals now they're in govt. Here's to an independent Alba!

they could go to war but the problem would be that the poms would expect aussies and kiwis to man the front line and the bigger problem would be that we would - for the scots.

[Colt45]

they could go to war but the problem would be that the poms would expect aussies and kiwis to man the front line

well, you are all subjects of the crown, aren't you?

[Ken Gargett]

well, you are all subjects of the crown, aren't you?

and for that you can thank our scumbag spineless politicians. all sides.

[Colt45]

and for that you can thank our scumbag spineless politicians. all sides.

I couldn't consider involving myself in another nation's politics. But if you are ever ready to break free of your bonds........

If not, queen's birthday is less than a month away - enjoy!

[bunburyist]

they could go to war but the problem would be that the poms would expect aussies and kiwis to man the front line and the bigger problem would be that we would - for the scots.

Yes, we English never fight our own wars....

I strangely enjoy the anti-Pom chat. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

[bunburyist]

Ha ha I remember this scottish skier a few years ago who was proclaimed the great British hope by the English newspapers, won some kind of medal, then got disqualified for using a banned asthma inhaler or something and those same newspapers straight away switched to referring to him as Scottish. I couldn't believe my eyes! but par for the course i suppose.

Wish the Scots would get full independence, more likely to happen now that the "British" govt has raped all the north sea oil, just means they'd start out pretty skint. A lot of the upper middle classes have unfortunately been educated a l'anglaise in "public" schools like tony blair's, and have bought into this "britishness" thing as that is where money and comfort lies. Working classes haven't forgotten how they've been screwed over by southerners and their agents in the local elite for many centuries, a lot of deep-seated bitterness still there. Hopefully Alex Salmond and his SNP will convert them over to nationalism - it's been a bit harder to paint them as radicals now they're in govt. Here's to an independent Alba!

[Ken Gargett]

Yes, we English never fight our own wars....

I strangely enjoy the anti-Pom chat. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

'anti' is harsh. we are grateful for the poms, leaving aside the odd bit of awkward history. without the poms, we'd have to spend all our time targeting kiwis and, as much fun as that is, it is hardly sport.