for lawyers, oldies but goldies


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and i don't care if they were made up or not, terrific stuff. and yes, i know they have been around for years but someone might have missed them.

.These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:     Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:           No, I just lie there.

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ATTORNEY:   What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS:           Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY:     This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:               Yes.

ATTORNEY:     And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:             I forget.

ATTORNEY:     You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY:   What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:       He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY:   And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:       My name is Susan!

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ATTORNEY:     Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS:         We both do.

ATTORNEY:   Voodoo?

WITNESS:         We do.

ATTORNEY:   You do?

WITNESS:         Yes, voodoo.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:       Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY:   The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS:           Uh, he's twenty.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:         Are you shittin' me?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS:           Yes.

ATTORNEY:   And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:         Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:       She had three children, right?

WITNESS:           Yes.

ATTORNEY:       How many were boys?

WITNESS:           None.

ATTORNEY:     Were there any girls?

WITNESS:         Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:         By death.

ATTORNEY:     And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:       Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

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ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:         He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:   Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:       Guess.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:         No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:           All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

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ATTORNEY:     ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:           Oral.

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ATTORNEY:   Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS:       The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY:   And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:       No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:     Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:       Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

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And the best for last:

 

ATTORNEY:     Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:           No.

ATTORNEY:     Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:           No.

ATTORNEY:     Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:           No.

ATTORNEY:   So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:           No.

ATTORNEY:     How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:           Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:   I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:           Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

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