Aussie Jokes

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From my brother...

Why Jesus was an Aussie

Proof that Jesus was Australian:

* He wore thongs.

* He was a chippy, who like all good union members didn't work on Sundays.

* His favourite past times were fishing, camping, going 4-wheel donkeying, and most of his mates were fishermen.

* He seemed to know a lot of prostitutes.

* His mates all had nicknames: The Rock, The Doubter, Simon Peter, The Baptist, so on and so forth.

* The only time he went to church as a young bloke he got into a fight.

* He was a champion surfer, it was like he could walk on water.

* He did a mean barbeque, 5000 people rock up, no wuckers throw a few fresh caught fish on the barbie, some buns and a bit of mum's potato salad (it's in the Gospel of Thomas, trust me) and bob's your uncle.

* No one is exactly sure where he was earning his quid from but he had a mate in the tax office so it was all sweet.

* And to top it all off, he turned water into alcohol and if that isn't an Australian miracle I don't know what is!

Another one

Cold is Relative

* 10 degC - Melbournians turn on the heat. People in Canberra plant gardens.

* 4 degC - Sydney residents shiver uncontrollably. People in Canberra sunbathe.

* 2 degC - Italian cars won't start. People in Canberra drive with the windows down.

* 0 degC - Distilled water freezes. Canberra water gets thicker.

* -7 degC - Sydney people wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Canberra throw on a T-shirt.

* -9 degC - Queenslanders begin to evacuate the state. People in Canberra go swimming.

* -18 degC - Melbourne landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Canberra have a last bbq before it gets cold.

* -23 degC - People in Perth cease to exist. People in Canberra lick flagpoles.

* -29 degC - Sydney people fly away to South Pacific islands. People in Canberra throw on a light jacket.

* -40 degC - Darwin disintegrates. People in Canberra rent videos.

* -51 degC - Mt. Hotham freezes. Canberra Girl Guides begin selling Guide biscuits door to door.

* -62 degC - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Penguins leave Antarctica. Canberra Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

* -73 degC - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Canberra put on a coat.

* -114 degC - Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Canberra get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.

* -183 degC - Microbial life start to disappear. Canberra cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

* -273 degC - ALL atomic motion stops. People in Canberra start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

* -296 degC - Hell freezes over. Canberra wins the soccer.

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  • 6 years later...

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