Best practical jokes.

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Aussies like to "Take the Piss" out of friends. That is an Aussie colloquialism for taking any advantage to make a fool out of a mate.

We were having some red wines on the deck last Friday reminiscing on some of the best gags we have pulled on each other over the years.

I will detail some tomorrow but feel free to post your best.

Only two rules:

1. You must have been personally involved in the prank

2 No real names are to be used. For example I will change Ken Gargetts name to Ren Rargett to protect him.

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I once worked with a guy who used to deal in a certain, shall we say, illicit

substance. One day, on his way back to work after lunch, he thought he was

being followed by the local police, so he quickly parked his car and walked

back to work.

Once back, he filled a few of us in on his little adventure. Me being the fun

loving guy that I am, decided to go to another part of the building and phone

him, pretending to be the police.

I told him that we'd found his car, knew what he'd been up to, and that he

needed to come down to the station right away.

I got back to our part of the building in time to see him putting on his coat

and explaining the situation to his supervisor (whom I'd let in on the prank

beforehand). The supervisor couldn't hold it in any longer, burst out laughing,

and told him it was a gag.

Needless to say, he was pissed at me, but was so relieved that it was a joke

that he was able to have a chuckle with the rest of us.

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A group of us, 14 in total completed a dirtbike ride through the rainforests of North Queensland from Cairns to Princess Charlotte Bay (1700 km in total) through some of the toughest trails inthe world.

It was hard riding during the day, Fly fishing for Barramundi in the afternoon and camping under the stars at night. We took with us a couple of local fishing guides, a 4x4 support truck and a significant supply of alcohol.

Shagga is a great friend of mine but his snoring is legendary. Rule one of travel with him is to place him in his own accomodation at the furtherest point. Ear plugs are a necessity. He also likes to sleepwalk nude.....but that is another story.

Anyway we had pitched camp in the middle of nowhere near a saltwater creek. Naturally, we made Shagga pitch his tent 40metres away from the rest of us. He bitched and moaned that some Salt Water crocodile was going to take him in the night and none of us would know. We ignored his pleas and after a long ride that day, a decent feed, a few beers and a cigar...we retired to the tents to sleep. Well almost.

Once Shagga was down, we woke the two guides and took the boat onto the pitch black water where we used a torch to spotlight for crocodile eyes. You can tell how large acroc is by how far it's eyes are apart. When we located one we could handle, one of the guides jumped into the water and dragged it into the boat. It was only a metre or so long. At that point we taped it's jaws shut and took it back to the campsite. Hearing snoring coming from Shagga's tent, we snuck up, opened the zipper slightly....and pushed the crocodile inside.

The next 3 minutes were the funniest I have ever experienced :-D

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I went on a business trip to Singapore with some good mates one of who has a hell of a time dressing himself. Every morning he would knock on my hotel door and ask if what he was wearing was appropriate for the day. Before we left for Singapore, his secretary called me to go over what clothing he would require for the trip. Albeit I love him (in a manly way)....he drives menuts when we travel together.

Well in Singpore waiting to catchup with a mate to go to lunch we were walking along the main shopping road (Orchard Rd) and came across a sports shoe shop which was having a sale. The three of us walked in as "Graeme Jupiter" wanted to purchase some shoes.

45 minutes later Graeme was still trying on shoes. "does this pair look OK? What about this pair? Maybe this pair" He must have tried on the best part of 30 pairs of shoes and could not makeup his mind. I was going nuts.

Finally I said to him "Graeme, what you need to do is try on a few pairs and walkdown to the intersection (about 30 metres down the road) to make sure that they fit properly. Don't worry, I will stay here with Paul."

He agreed, tried on a pair of $300 Nike's and walked out of the store and headed down to the corner.

I called security.

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The same Graeme "Jupiter" was on one of our first Aussie tours to Cuba. I love the guy but true to form he annoyed the hell out of me on the first day when he lost his reading glasses and required the help of the hotel receptionist to ring the airport to see if they have been handed in. (I told him it was a lost cause.....)

The receptionist was most helpfull although her English was limited. I conversed with herin Spanish.

Graeme then asked me how does one say in Spanish "Thankyou very much?"

"Muchos Gracias" I said.

"No No Rob...anyone can say that. There must be another more heartfelt but local way of saying thankyou"

Typical Graeme....two minutes in a new country and he is questioning my knowledge of Spanish.

I finally said to him".....there is a phrase you can use but it is mean't for a very special time....when someone touches your heart through their very special deeds"

Graeme immediately jumped "What is it.....What is it?"

and so I told him with a caveat....."be very careful Graeme...people can be embarassed if it is used in an inappropriate situation.

The phrase is " ## ### ## #######"

and so for the next 10 days Graeme practiced his new Spanish phrase as we embarked on 2200 km around Cuba in hirecars....drinking, fishing, enjoying cigars, spending time with locals and getting ourselves into and out of endless amounts of strife. It was one of the great road tours of all time.

Our travels took us to the town of Playa Giron where we nestled at the beach bar for the afternoon with a group of local fishermen. We had a great time drinking Cristal beer and straight rum, listening to their stories and them to ours. These were hard living locals with the salt of the sea on their skin, wide smiles and big hearts.

Getting late into the afternoon I struggled to stand and said a few words of thanks for a wonderful time. Similarly they responded in kind.

....and then Graeme comes forward, quietens the crowd and delivers his classic line that he had been practicing all week...." yo soy un maricon" ......which means....I am a Sodomiser.

Silence hit the bar. You could here a pin drop. And just in case no-one heard the first time.....he repeats it again " Yo soy un maricon".....I am a sodomiser.

The Aussie contingent burst into tears of laughter (they were all in on it). The Cubans cottoned on to the joke and also laughed long or loud....albeit for the next three days no local would stay with Graeme alone as the word spread like wildfire.

Graeme never asked for Spanish advice again ;-)

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...some may think this is terrorism… I know you are open minded and will understand...

I used to be a fly fishing guide on school summer vacations. One season one of our “sister” operations had a problem with some of the guides and they asked us to give them a hand, so a couple of us flew in.

There was this American guide who was the classic “I know it all”, but really a pain in the butt.

One night we decided to tip him about some of the local fauna and its behavior, specifically about this large rodent called “turururo”. Not a small roedor and likes to eat waders, urinate and defecate inside of them.

We were very serious telling the story and to emphasize the point we used all the required technical vocabulary… even so, he doubt about the truthfulness of our story and continued to left his waders outside drying out.

A week later, on a warm beautiful morning at Patagonia he found a beautifully made “piece” inside one foot of his waders. Unfortunately he didn’t checked his waders (as we advised him before) and he found out about the little treasure after he placed his foot inside.

We conclude it must’ve been a very large “turururo” and that he was very lucky to find his waders intact and without urine, because their urine REALLY stinks.

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We had a older guy at work who owned over 1,000 porno videos/dvds. Needless to say he was single and lived alone in a small apartment where the towels stood up on their own.;-)

We also had a girl who worked with us that was extremely innocent. She never swore or said anything perverted.

One night I told her that I got stuck bringing the porn king to his apartment and out of curiousity I had to go in and see his place. (She knew about his porn collection.) I told her that his place looked like it had been ransacked. Things were all over the place. He proceeded to tell me that he had a spider monkey for a pet that sometimes went crazy and trashed the place. Of course all of this is made up to lead to my joke.

I passed all of this information on to my inncoent girl along with the fact that when the monkey acted bad, Porno man spanked the monkey.

Of course Ms. Innocent was shocked and in front of a group of us that night she said, "xxxxx, why do you spank your monkey so much? What kind of monkey is it? Is it real hairy? You need to stop spanking your monkey."

Porno man replied, "I don't have a monkey," and walked away.

We were all dying of laughter so I explained to her what it meant. She turned red and was embarrased, but couldn't stop laughing.

100% true.

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This one is kind of mean spirited, but **** it the guy the prank was played on is a first class jerk off.

Last week the kid from N'Sync was on the cover of People magazine with the headline I AM ***. Well the jerk off boss in question is ***(which is fine), but he leans towards young men.

We pulled a pic of the jerk off and did an amazing job of fitting his face perfectly onto the People magazine cover. From there we paid a homeless guy $20 to go into a Kinkos and fax our artwork out to every department at the casino the jerkoff is a director at.

From what I've heard the reaction has been nothing but laughter and of course anger from Mr. Jagoff.

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I used to work for he Maryland Department of Housing 10 years ago and a friend of ours just got hired. My brother worked there to.

So, our friend had a habit of leaving his car keys in his desk drawer. Well, on his second day at work the Secretary of the Department of Housing was gone to give his monthly report in front of the full senate. So, his designated parking spot was empty. Well, my brother swiped our friend's keys and I moved his car to the Secretary's parking spot. The best part is that the parking spot is right in front of my brother's window and they were both in the office when I moved it. And, I am 6'6" tall - real difficult to miss!! My brother watched me the entire time while our friend was oblivious to the world!!

So, I called the Secretary's secretary and had her call our friend and chew him out for parking in the wrong spot. It was hilarious! We were laughing so long!!! He turned so red, but did not say a word!!

That was just one of many good practical jokes at that job.

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A guy at work, known for his practical jokes, went a bit far with some of us. He put a bandaid in someones burrito (which scarred him for life) and put a good portion of salt into the last drink of my usual morning java. I decided I was going to get him back.

I asked him to leave his office to help a customer out. He had a fresh large cup of Mountain Dew on his desk. I took a packet of McDonalds salsa, tore it open, removed the straw from the drink, inserted it into the packet of salsa, filled it two thirds into the straw and reinserted it into the cup.

After the groundwork was laid i had to figure out how to get him to drink it. I figured I had to get into his head somehow, but not make it obvious. I got a fresh soda, shook it a little and cracked the lid when I walked in his office. I'll be damned if he didn't reach for his drink the instant he heard that. He took a huge gulp and immediately turned and gagged/spewed what soda he didn't manage to get down.

He doesn't mess with me anymore. :-D

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A couple of work buddies went to give blood and on the way, one confided that he had been with a dodgy girl over the wekend and he hoped that he had'nt caught anything nasty ...............

When they got back to work his mate told me what happened so the wheels for a practical joke were set in motion..................

I phoned him at work pretending to be a "Dr Williamson" from the blood bank and made him aware that we screen all blood for diseases and his sample had come back HIV Positive !!! There was stone cold silence on the other end of the phone so I told him he had to come back in straight away for more tests. All of us in the office were looking at this poor guy through the office screen window he was white as.

As he was walking out with his coat I sprang around the corner and in my best "Dr Williamson" voice told him that his blood was now all clear !!! After chasing me round the office for 1 hour and calling me every @##$^$^%4 under the sun he got over it............................. I think:-|

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A mate of mine had just started work as a teacher at a new school in a ‘rough’ part of Sydney. This bloke loved his car. A Holden man through and through, it was a car his brother had ‘done up’ and had since sold it onto him. The school he was now working at only had off-site parking, so he incessantly worried about it in this ‘new’ part of town. I had to call him for something but my number was not visible on his phone. So thought I would play a gag on him…


- Hello is this Ben Johnston?


- This is Sargent Jones from (insert rough suburb name here) Police Station I would like to discuss the theft of your car from outside the school.

At that point his voice went shaky and he was talking a lot slower.

“What do you mean stolen car?”

- The Holden Commodore that was stolen from outside the school. We have recovered it and would like you to come down to the Station to go and pick it up.

His voice was even shakier by this stage!

“What do you mean stolen?”

-Mr Johnston, didn’t you report your car stolen this morning licence plate ***

By then I couldn’t hold it any longer and I burst out laughing. He soon got over it but I could tell he was still shaking as he said good bye to me.

PS He now works in a private boys school in a much ‘nicer’ part of Sydney.

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