The Texas Chilli Contest

[First Lady]

this is an oldie but it makes me laugh so much - thought i would share the love....:-D

A Texas Chilli Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you....

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

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Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 - Holy sh!t, what the hell is this stuff? It could remove dried paint from your

driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

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Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich

maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

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Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 - Someone call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I

have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh!t-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

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Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me

with fresh refills. That 300lb cow is starting to look HOT....just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

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Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and three people behind me fainted. The contestant seemed

offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if

I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

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Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

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Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to

be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and

I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, the world sounds like it is made of rushing water, my shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out

of my mouth and my pants are full of lava like sh!t to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,

it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

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Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see

that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[FuzzyJoe]

Oh my god, I've never laughed so hard reading a story.

I think the people around my desk were concerned with me laughing so hard I started to get teary eyed.

[Elric]

We all at one time or another put the old LMFAO smilie on a post but this was actually gut busting funny. I actually laughed out loud so hard that I too got teary. GREAT post!

[cigarnv]

I always laugh at this no matter how many times I read it!!! A classic!

[Mel]

» I always laugh at this no matter how many times I read it!!! A classic!

Still funny again.

[Havana Joe]

That was funny :-P :-P

[cf2112]

» » I always laugh at this no matter how many times I read it!!! A classic!

»

» Still funny again.

:-D Your killing me:-D

[broozer]

oh my! i haven't laughed this hard in a long time. my wife's in the next room alseep and i'm trying desperately not to wake her up from my laughing. if i do i'm blaming it on you lisa.

oh my eyes have stopped watering now and i'm left with a slight stomach ache from laughing so hard.

bruce

[cobra]

Mmmmm, sounds like many similar phrases I used to describe the last "fantastic" domestic cigar my brother-in law gave to try.

[smk819]

Doesn't matter how many times I read this, I still laugh my head off.