Friday Funny: Vegas here we come

[El Presidente]

Post up your own end of week humour on this thread 

 

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"A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.

"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"

 

[westg]

Why did the gym close ?

[westg]

It didn't work out 

[westg]

Who can drink 12 litres of petrol ⛽️?

[westg]

Jerry can 

[westg]

What do you call a ginger person in a porn film ? 

[westg]

The camera man 

[westg]

This morning I saw a couple in there 90s having sex in my apartment buildings elevator 

[westg]

It was wrong on so many levels 

[Fuzz]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from all of the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, all of the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."