A Little Weekend Joke

[TheLiquidGator]

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. 

 

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. 

 

Sunny: "What's that?" 

 

Tina: "A condom." 

 

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?" 

 

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist" 

 

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms. 

 

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred. 

 

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel." 

 

The pharmacist fainted.

 

 

 

 

 

[encephalization]

I'll contribute:

Grammar Lesson

On his 68th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.  The certificate was for consultation with the Cherokee Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, “This is a powerful medicine.  You take only a teaspoonful, and then say, "1-2-3.  When you do, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[ayepatz]

9 hours ago, encephalization said:

 

And that, boys and girls is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

If I might quote Churchill, “From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I shall not put.”

[encephalization]

Might as well add another one:

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.  So a United Way worker paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.  The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

 

 The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

 Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

 

 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

 

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

 The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

 

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you.'