Three-Card-Monte: Welcome To The Jungle (by Ken Gargett)

[MoeFOH]

And as summer comes to a slow, hot, unlamented end, sadly that means the end of cricket (I mean the good stuff, not the endless hit/giggle rubbish) and thankfully the end of tennis clogging the screens. No more women grunting like swine in sludge (and I believe even a few of the men are now doing it – penalise them. How hard is that? Put Di on the judiciary and she could send them weekly warnings that she will not tolerate the breaking of rules. Seriously. Not again. Last chance. I mean it. Okay, one last email begging people not to, but that will be it. Probably.) So thankfully, one could hope to have been spared our tennis grubs. Fat chance. Still in full swing.

One of them could not even summon the interest or ability to beat the world number 13,947 to qualify for his own nation’s Open/Grand Slam event. And weren’t we all better off without him. He did take the opportunity to tell us that he would spend the time counting his millions (and I do not think he means friends), thereby disproving the old saying about a fool and his money, though no doubt that will come. Then he announces he will be spilling the beans on Tennis Australia. Why? For wasting money on his career? That would be embarrassing all round. And now he has gone into the jungle for a reality show. Oh please let something big eat him. Or something small and venomous bite him. I see that Mundine is there as well. Talk about a show for has-beens and idiots and utter wastes. In fairness, I have never watched the show. Never will. And if I ever needed a reason not to, now I have two. Underlined. In bold.

I have no idea upon which jungle they have been inflicted, but there must be something in it not so discerning that it would have a problem chomping on delinquent Aussies. Who wouldn’t like to see a python sleeping bag for our heroes? Maybe someone could give them a nudge as they cross a bridge over a croc-infested swamp? Slip a couple of raw steaks next to their tents so the local pride could have a late-night snack on the inhabitants? I'd suggest they could do the same for any nearby hyenas, but I am not certain hyenas are cannibalistic. Tomic and Mundine sharing their views on life. And people actually listening. Lord, sneak a few of those raw steaks under my bed and open the doors.

{Stop press below!!}

Although I have never seen it before, I am aware that someone called Chrissy Swann was apparently in the show one year. I know this because I was once stuck in a taxi in the tunnel out to the airport in Sydney for 90 minutes, several years ago. That was fun. The driver had the radio on and this Swann person (I'm sure she is a very nice person and kind to small animals) was on. Apparently, she has a regular show. No idea if it makes Brizzy (please, please, please no). I started to ask the driver if he would mind changing the channel, but it was like coming across a really bad trainwreck. And this was carnage. Blood and limbs everywhere. I was mesmerized. Couldn’t take my eyes off it, so to speak. Just had to keep listening, even though I knew it was wrong.

Forget what she did to the English language. We had a long monologue about some bloke in Hollywood, who she’d met, being outed as a paedophile. Now, in fairness, she was not defending him, but she kept telling us how surprised she was as he was such a nice guy. Could not believe this was true. He was really kind to us. Such a lovely man. And on and on. Never twigged that perhaps she was a different demographic from his interests.
It got better. We then got a long monologue (I have a feeling that where Ms Swann is concerned, ‘long monologue’ should be one word) about how hard it was for her now she was single. The main problem was, apparently, that being single meant that when there was a mouse in the kitchen, she had no one to remove it. Yet another brave woman facing those first world problems. Brings a tear to a glass eye. Metoo must be so proud.

And yes, I realise that others may have different opinions on Ms Swann (presumably her mum?) but the mind does boggle. A radio station actually pays her to host a show? And presumably pays her well. Perhaps some genius there has twigged how funny she is, even if it is unintentional.
How did she survive the jungle? I ask this seriously. They must have one momentous bucketload of minders just out of camera shot 24 hours a day.
Now, I doubt my thoughts on religion, evolution and creationism would come as a surprise to anyone, but there are times when doubt creeps in. It is very hard to argue that evolution is real when one listens to the probably otherwise delightful Ms Swann. Millions of years and we have come to this? But it is not just her – she has an audience (well, I assume she must have if she is on radio and not on the ABC). This means that she is far from the lowest rung on the evolutionary ladder. And the TV show has an audience. And contestants. She is way up the chain.

On that note, something that truly convinced me that civilisation is fast plummeting to annihilation. Something that has really quite rocked me. I discovered today that my spellcheck recognised “Kardashian”. How? Why? I would never have put it in. In other words, the people behind the computer felt it necessary for my machine to recognise ‘Kardashian’. Does that word have another meaning of which I am not aware?
Hang on tight, people. Humanity is on the way out.

But back to our tennis grubs. We still have Krygios. Wins a few games and those pathetic simpering sports journos, not to mention the gullible fawning public, fall over themselves about reform, national pride, how he has turned his life around. Tears well up. What an utter and complete load of crap. I watched only a few minutes of him during the Open (yes, the last couple of games of the match that saw him dumped out – enjoyed that) and even in those few minutes, it seemed he was as interested in spewing bile at his box as he was in playing. I'll happily concede that he has talent out the wahzoo. Could be anything. And I do not expect every sports star to be another version of Roger Federer, who must be one of the classiest blokes who ever picked up a racquet, or indeed walked the earth. So no, I do not expect our grub to be another Federer, but is it unreasonable to hope that he acts in a manner that doesn’t make him look like Ivan Milat’s nasty brother?

This vile, steaming heap of excrement recently won the Roy Emerson Trophy, awarded to the winner of the warm-up tournament in Brizzy, pre Open. For those not familiar, Emerson is one of the greatest tennis players of all time. 12 Grand Slam events including six Aussie Opens (same as Federer, I believe, so no slouch and yes, six more Aussies and 12 more Grand Slams than our grubs put together). And so on and so on. A stellar career.
A friend, who is close to Emerson and his family told me that when the grub won (and before we get all gooey, remember that this was a tournament full of hopeful qualifiers and low ranked journeymen), he went into the VIP room. Needless to say, his speech post game made no mention of Emerson or anyone else. The room was full of some of the greatest tennis players ever to set foot on a court, including Emerson. Apparently, Krygios ignored them all, took a seat, put his feet up and played video games. Apparently, he deliberately acted with as much contempt as he could muster towards these men and women, none of whom deserved anything other than his complete respect. He is seriously not worth being used as something to wipe up snake snot.

And now we have all this crap about how he has changed. Reformed. Seen the light. On the straight and narrow. Neville Chamberlain sprouting about ‘peace in our time’, was closer to the truth than this rubbish.

The only time I will ever support Krygios is if he is playing Tomic. And even then, I'd prefer ‘match abandoned due to earthquake’. This also applies to the Davis Cup. That he supposedly represents Australia demeans every single player (except tomic, who, assuming the moon is not made of green cheese, is unable to be demeaned any further) who has ever appeared for this nation. In any sport. Actually, it demeans every single Australian. Krygios has never represented anything but himself. And while he is included on an Australian team – anything from tennis to synchronised swimming – then I will be 100% behind the opposition (unless, of course, it is the Poms or Kiwis, in which case… ‘match abandoned due to earthquake’). That tennis can produce people like Federer and Laver and so many more, and then vomit up such filth as tomic and krygios is beyond me. And yes, I know others have different opinions, but I cannot be held responsible if they are wrong.
 
KBG
 
Stop press –
Oh, how things change in a day or two. Poor old Bernie. Two days in the jungle and he is gone. All too much. But be fair, he did show that trademark grit and determination and never-give-in spirit that has made him such a fan favourite. Against all the odds, he slogged it out for two whole days. I'm told that in the history of this show (how long has it been going? I thought it was pretty much new), no one has ever asked to go. Apparently, they normally get kicked off because nothing will eat them? Not Bernie. You mean I am actually expected to go into a real jungle and this isn't special effects? Bugger that.

So, how did Bernie leave his adoring fans? And will either of them recover? Apparently by giving a serve (yes, pun intended) to one of the tennis greats. Poor old Lleyton. Firmly put in his place by Bernie, who pointed out that in the one time they played (Hewitt was 65 at the time), Bernie beat him in five sets. So therefore, Bernie is a better player. He also took the opportunity to provide Lleyton with some priceless advice. You can’t win without me! Win what?

He has decided that he wants to return to tennis – yes, collective groan around the sporting world – and be in the top five – much louder groan. How’d that go last time, Bernie? We’ve seen how well he sticks at things, how is always determined to put in the work needed. But don’t worry, next week he’ll want to be a fireman. Or an astronaut. Apologies that Bernie could not be with us for longer, but he had to rush off. Those millions won’t count themselves.

KBG

[Ken Gargett]

it is quite fun to be able to do an occasional sports piece and get the odd rant off my chest, even if it comes as a surprise to, and the expense of, poor unsuspecting readers.

and while i fully understand the need for editors and their importance, only too well, may i express my immediate outrage at the editing of the above.

our two grubs have been given capitals, as in T and K.

my original copy - unless, of course, this is the fault of my hated spellcheck thing - did not do so, not because of my usual laziness when it comes to caps but because i firmly believe that neither of them deserve even that tiny little bit of respect. i thought i should make that clear, in case anyone thought i was mellowing.

 

a mate just rang to offer me tickets to today's davis cup and was quick to point out that the seats would be in spitting distance of krygios. i politely declined.

[MoeFOH]

Some did, some didn't, Ken. So I just went with capitals. However, non-capitalisation of grubs policy duly noted for the future. 

[Rustyman]

Ken,

Agree wholeheartedly on you views on Tomic and Krygios.  Both a disgrace to both the sport and the country they supposedly represent which is why I will never watch a tennis match if either of these are involved.

 

[Ken Gargett]

2 hours ago, MoeGreene said:

Some did, some didn't, Ken. So I just went with capitals. However, non-capitalisation of grubs policy duly noted for the future. 

many thanks!

[Ken Gargett]

well, that didn't take long.

krygios - leopard? spots?
he gets a flogging in the davis cup and needless to say, smashed racquets, penalty points, a big tanty, a national disgrace. supposedly carrying an injury to his arm (an injury that still allowed him to serve at well over 200 kmh so you have to wonder if he had an injury at all) so a ready-made excuse.

what a truly vile piece of work.

chips down, backs to the wall, we need a win under pressure. and he crumbles like a stale sao!

as someone said, when federer was struggling in his five setter in the aussie open final, it was head down, fight hard, get through it. when grub is down, it is throw the racquet, rant and rave, ready the excuses and basically give up because it is all too hard.

[Ken Gargett]

and while we are on tennis, they now just abandon the last game if the tie has been resolved. doesn't matter that fans have paid to see two top class games. bugger off.

why would anyone waste any dosh on all this crap?

[...]

8 hours ago, Ken Gargett said:

why would anyone waste any dosh on all this crap?

Based on the general public tv watching habits (Kardashians, big brother, the apprentice, etal) I'd say drama probably sells more than content. Sad, I would agree with you ?