best and worst of edinburgh festival

[Ken Gargett]

the names are the comedians – they are from the Edinburgh fringe.

Simon Lilley - “I thought ex-pats were people who used to be called Pat.”

Geoff Norcott - “My wife said to me recently, ‘Do you fancy going *** clubbing?’ I said, ‘No, it sounds violent’.”

Tim Vine - “I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.”

Ben Van Der Velde - “Swastika in Geordie means something that used to be a sticker.”

Nikhil Tiwali - “What do you call a pink flower that comes back from the dead? A re-in-carnation.”

Pat Cahill - “90 per cent of baking injuries are stress-related. There are people up and down the country having mental bake-downs.”

Pajama Men (Shenoah Allen and Mark Chavez) - "I'm a head gardener. Whatever I say grows."

Alex Horne - "I want to talk about something that's close to my heart. My lungs."

Romesh Ranganathan - "I'm married with kids. I don't need to look good, I just need to look better than the prospect of single parentdom."

plus the ten best.... in order. personally, i thought number 9 deserved the gong.

TOP 10 FUNNIEST JOKES FROM THE FRINGE FESTIVAL 2013:

• 1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

• 2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

• 3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

• 4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

• 5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

• 6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

• 7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

• 8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

• 9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

• 10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

[Ken Gargett]

previous winners

2012: Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2011: Nick Helm - "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2010: Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2009: Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?"

2008: Zoe Lyons - "I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her."

[orangedog]

Romesh Ranganathan - "I'm married with kids. I don't need to look good, I just need to look better than the prospect of single parentdom."

This is more wisdom than joke...

and agree... lot of duds in the top 10, 9 should've taken it.

Thanks for posting this!