Ken Gargett Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away... TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead. ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy.... AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go to the pub for a few beers to celebrate. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. A GREEK CORPORATION You have two cows. You borrow against the cows from the Germans You kill the cows and make souvlaki You can’t pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money You can’t pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money You can’t pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money You can’t pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money ..... If Australia is the Lucky Country, how come Italy and Greece get new Prime Ministers?
MoneyPit Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 Enjoyed it Ken. There were some good ones in there that I had forgotten about.
frenchkiwi Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 THE CIGAR CZAR CORPORATION You have loads of cows in a warehouse You sell them in herds of 25 or 50 over the Net People request prices but you have no idea so you say "Ask Lisa or Dee-anne" People request stock - you say "How should i know, i'm not in the f%$%in warehouse today ... just get Lisa to put you on a list" People request video reviews - you say "Oh no, don't make me go over to f%^&in KGs place to see dead snakes hanging out of indecent shorts and watch another f%^&in Buffy omnibus" You need to do a stocktake, but end up debating communism, E.L.s, fat ponies, thin cigars, and Habanos marketing with Piggy all day on the forum. You decide that you've had a good days business You close the office and go smoke a few cows on the deck to celebrate.
El Presidente Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 THE CIGAR CZAR CORPORATION You have loads of cows in a warehouse You sell them in herds of 25 or 50 over the Net People request prices but you have no idea so you say "Ask Lisa or Dee-anne" People request stock - you say "How should i know, i'm not in the f%$%in warehouse today ... just get Lisa to put you on a list" People request video reviews - you say "Oh no, don't make me go over to f%^&in KGs place to see dead snakes hanging out of indecent shorts and watch another f%^&in Buffy omnibus" You decide that you've had a good days business You close the office and go smoke a few cows on the deck to celebrate. That's fairly accurate
dB69 Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 Thanks for reminding. How about this? FINNISHISM You have two cows. You milk them and the state throws the milk away. The state shoots your cows.
frenchkiwi Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 That's fairly accurate yeah i've had smithy on the phone a few times and it was a laugh hearing the goings on in the background. we'd all love to work in a place like that. room for plenty more good lines in there e.g. You need to do a stocktake, but end up debating communism, E.L.s, fat ponies, thin cigars, and Habanos marketing with Piggy all day. etc etc
Phillycyclocross Posted November 25, 2011 Posted November 25, 2011 The Italian one had me laughing hard. So true. God I miss that place.
DblToro Posted November 25, 2011 Posted November 25, 2011 THE CIGAR CZAR CORPORATION You have loads of cows in a warehouse You sell them in herds of 25 or 50 over the Net People request prices but you have no idea so you say "Ask Lisa or Dee-anne" People request stock - you say "How should i know, i'm not in the f%$%in warehouse today ... just get Lisa to put you on a list" People request video reviews - you say "Oh no, don't make me go over to f%^&in KGs place to see dead snakes hanging out of indecent shorts and watch another f%^&in Buffy omnibus" You need to do a stocktake, but end up debating communism, E.L.s, fat ponies, thin cigars, and Habanos marketing with Piggy all day on the forum. You decide that you've had a good days business You close the office and go smoke a few cows on the deck to celebrate. Brilliant lol
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