For those who remain single

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New guide for…bachelors

This one is dedicated to…one Aussie single we all know. Everybody knows who I am talking about.

One thing you have to accomplish: Impress your girlfriend’s parents.

We tell you how to do it, following this simple guide for even the most unimpressive of boyfriends. Sooner or later, You’ll have to embark on one of the greatest challenges of your life, one that will strain every ounce of your body, mind, even your soul. Mate, You thought that impressive her was hard work – just wait until you are introduced to her quiet, poisonous mother and sternly, insane father. And if you screw up, you could lose your nice new Cuban girlfriend as well as get beaten by the gang of thugs she calls her Brothers. But before you abandon your girlfriend and buy a one way ticket to Perth, try out these tips. With a bit of research, hair gel as well as a hearty dose of dishonesty, you’ll have mom and pop writing you into their will in no time. ;-)

1. Be a Scout: always be prepared.

Think of your girlfriend’s family as a high school essay topic. Way back then you’d have to find out as much as you could about it, and then make out a game plan for your essay before you wrote it, right? In this case, replace Amoeba topic with My girlfriend’s parents. Make sure you know their full names and then, Google those suckers. :-) See if they have a criminal record. You can use this information for blackmail, if need be. Ask your girlfriend about their interests, their pet peeves. Write all this down, memorize it, put it on a cue card if you want. You’ll be armoured with topics of conversation for at least an entire evening. And can avoid mentioning anything you know will really piss them off.

2. Looks are everything.

Maybe your girlfriend doesn’t mind that you wash your hair every six months or so, or that you have been wearing your dead grandfather’s pants every day since you were 17 but her parents (unless, of course, they are old dirty hippies) probably will. You can’t expect that everybody will love your messy charm, you disgusting slob. So pull out that suit from the darkest, dampest corners of your closet, brush those moths off, and douse yourself in cologne. Better yet, take a shower. Wear lots of hair gel – parents love coiffed hair. Now take a look in the mirror. Do you look like your father? If you don’t, you need some more work. The point is to look like a grown-up (Seems not to be the case but here I go anyway) even if you are forty and odds, unemployed and still play Super Mario.

3. Watch the movie.

If you haven’t seen: Meet the Parents (starring Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller) pick up a copy and study it. Make sure you don’t do anything Ben Stiller does, and you should be fine. Common sense, c´mon! Also the Ayala´s book of advices would be helpful.

4. Forget all about your music taste, specially favourites!

You don’t want to make her Dad an old-fashioned Jurassic-era monster. Not by any reason tell them you have all the Springsteen records. This would shock anyone let alone her parents. Born in the USA should sound a little bit confusing and Dancing in the Dark way too enticingly oldie. Wait till you hear the always brought Celine Dion success and Olivia Newton John’s career. :-(

5. Come bearing gifts.

If you’ve done enough research, you’ll have a vague idea of what to bring your girlfriend’s parents. Don’t bring wine (no matter if you are the finest sommelier alive) if her father is a recovering alcoholic. If her mother is allergic to flowers, bring her one of those soap and chocolate gift baskets – chicks, even old chicks, dig´em. But wine, flowers, chocolate, soap are always good, if predictable, options. Unless you are absolutely certain that they’ll love that clown you hired to entertain them, it’s probably not a good idea to take any risks. And, don’t spend too much money on the gift – they’ll just think you are a drug dealer or hired assassin, and unlike you, parents don’t think that jobs are cool.

6. The early bird gets the worm.

Come on, man. This is self explanatory. Don’t be late for the lovely dinner that your girlfriend’s mother has spent the past week slaving over. There isn’t an excuse in the world that won’t have her parents shaking their heads in shocked disapproval. You rescued the Pope from a burning building? That’s very nice, but dinner’s cold, matey. :angry: Give yourself a lot of time to get there. If you arrive too early, you can skulk around the bushes, staking out escape routes in case things go horribly wrong.

7. Eat that crap…with a smile. :hungry:

So far, everything’s progressing just as smooth as vegemite. You’ve been making polite conversation, her parents are smiling and nodding, your girlfriend is giving your knee encouraging pats under the table. But if you want more than encouraging pats from your girlfriend, you are going to have to eat that pile of what look, smells and tastes disturbingly like acid vomit on your plate. Shut the f…up. Even if your girlfriend’s mother did in fact vomit your meal in front of you, smile like a gentleman and tell her, that you have never eaten anything quite as good as her acid vomit. Tell her, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that you’ve travelled far and wide, been wined and dinned in the finest restaurants the world has to offer, but her vomit is by far, the finest meal ever prepared. Don’t put any acid on your words or else you will be totally screwed. Take big bites instead. Rub your stomach in appreciation. Ask for seconds! And if it’s really that bad, very discreetly spit it out in your napkin or feed it to the dog.

8. Become Mr. Manners

Again, this is self evident. Don’t eat with your hands. Use your cutlery no matter if you have 200 and something forks ahead. Behave like a normal human being. Put your napkin in your lap, and use when you need to. Don’t talk with your mouth full so that chunks of food fall into your lap. Don’t pick your nose. Don’t pick your teeth. Don’t blow your nose into your napkin. That’s just gross, you freak of nature. In short, pretend your mother is at the table with you, criticizing your every move. For once, listen to her, and put her instruction to good use.

9. Don’t hit on the milf…too much

Your girlfriend’s mother may be the hottest older woman you’ve seen since you first fell in love with Marilyn Monroe, but if you grab her ass, you’ll be out of that house before you can say: You are one hot mama. Feel free to flirt lightly with her – she’ll probably love it! – just keep it on the low down. Remember most women grow to look like their mothers as they get older. If you stick around long enough with your present girlfriend, you’ll be one lucky guy.

10. Stay sober:-|

Again. Pick up a copy of the aforementioned movie. Your drunkenness does not affect the perception of those watching you making weird gestures with your tongue and waving your hips like Shakira when the music starts.

As long as you follow these tips and don’t get drunk in the way, you´ll make, at the very least, a passably good impression on them. And remember that these weird people sitting across the tablefrom you did, in fact, make your daughter into the impressive specimen of womanhood that she is today. They can´t be that bad. Unless they are related to the Sopranos in which case I suggest you jump on the next flight to Perth.

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