the havana diaries - 2007

[Ken Gargett]

The Prequel (better known as getting in first).

Although it is a month until we set off on this year’s sojourn, selflessly giving of our time and effort in order that other members of the forum can better enjoy Havana’s finest, I have just found out from our own el Jeffe (and if you saw that haircut - or lack thereof - you’d think he was in no better health. He looks like the lovechild of Warwick Capper and Billy Ray Cyrus), our accommodation this year has no internet connection so reports from the Front could be even more sparse than in ‘06.

Also, I won’t be around to enjoy the annual herding of cats as Rob attempts to get this expedition on the rails. Numbers have, shall we say, varied. It seems we are now down to six. Originally it was 8 in two houses (though I think has varied between about three and 18 - people, not houses). These houses were on the beach and had a pool and looked fabulous - there was an internet arrangement. Anyway, seems that Rob sent his Cuban connection out to finalise things (she is like an attractive version of Klinger). Within no time at all, our beachside resorts had been replaced by three shacks out in the slums. So now we are paying twice as much for a few mudhuts. No pools, no beach. Jury is out on running water and electricity but the daily donkey goes past at three pm. Still, at least they have a toilet. That is one to share for the three houses, notwithstanding that they are about 200 metres apart. The fact that the toilet is in the nearby park is a mere irrelevancy.

And talking of short straws, guess who I get to share with (by chance, I wroite this before Rob’s last email which happened to use the same phrase)!

I’ve done my own organising this year. Rob has the crew going via Chile which I would have loved to do but didn’t think I had time. We use different agents (as I now get in a few days before Rob and the guys, mine seems to have found extra time - as well as the correct continent, which sadly, was something Rob’s could not be accused of last year). Those who remember last year’s Diaries may recall that there were differing opinions over the competency of Rob’s agent. I always quite liked the one before the one before, though perhaps that was because he never left me in Cancun without insurance. I know why Rob selects travel agents and believe me, there is no evidence that it is for their innate knowledge of the industry. Rob’s current, let’s call her Sally-stay-at-home rather than use real names as unfortunately, truth alone is not a sufficient defence to defamation in this country, and I had some disagreements. Apparently, I was appallingly inconsiderate to query why, when I requested a round-the-world ticket via Havana, I got Brisbane-LA-Brisbane. I also showed the poor form to question why, after we sorted out that little snafu, I was then booked on three flights from LA to Cancun on the same day and why, when this was resolved, was I left with the most expensive of the three. And I also had the temerity to suggest that connections between planes in places like LA should be more than 4 minutes (the woman at the check-in desk at Qantas actually laughed when she saw how much - or how little - time I had). I am still grateful to Brit Airways who, on my arrival at Heathrow for the connecting Qantas flight to Brisbane on the way home, had a chap waiting to grab me as we exited, shove me in car and with sirens blaring while he was on the radio to Qantas begging them to hold the plane, we raced across the tarmac across four terminals, dodging planes (very Bruce Willis) and then got whizzed through a side security place and then I managed to jump on the flight, as the engines were warming up. Had I been left to my own devices, I may have struggled to make the connection. Sally-stay-at-home couldn’t understand the problem. At least she had got me the requested exit row seat for this 24 hour section. Sort of. It was actually a seat in the row in front of the exit row so no room at all (PJ, if you are out there and remember when Rob had us shoehorned into the back row on Alaskan Airlines for the LA-Cancun flight a few years ago - I think you counted 156 people using the facilities that we were jammed against and I’ll never forget those vintage chicken rolls that we had rejected the year before - well that was luxury compared with this). The orthopedic surgeon says that the knee just needs time and that 12 months is far too soon to hope for anything like normal use.

So yesterday I chatted to Macho who is another regular. ‘You coming via Chile?’.

No.

Not flying with Rob?

Don’t know but I think I am going via Japan.

Well, I’ll see you at the house.

No, staying at the Nacional.

Right, well, see you when you guys arrive on the Saturday.

No, I don’t get there for another week.

So situation normal indeed. Sally-stay-at-home in rare form. Given that Rob can’t find the address of the mudhuts (there is some thought that they have not yet got around to naming the tracks that far out of Havana), there is every chance that we won’t even meet up.

Stay tuned.

[Tony Maduro]

I smell a few Photoshop opportunities arising from this trip :-)

[Colt45]

I don't know, I can't help but think of lord of the flies.....

[greenpimp]

LOL! I hereby recant my earlier remarks. This does not sound at all like a vacation.

Drink heavily and keep us informed.

[Ken Gargett]

» I don't know, I can't help but think of lord of the flies.....

'lord of the flies' is like 'brideshead revisited' compared to rob in cuba...

and may i take this opp to respond to the scurilous slur in rob's email on this month specials, suggesting that i may not cast my own rod.

again, just the facts -

1. who won last year's casting comp at the nacional?

2. who was so embarasssed by his performance on the first day that he refused to go fishing again?

3. who spent that first day sitting on his bum doing sweet FA, while his guide spent six hours untangling the biggest mess this side of us foriegn policy (sorry, that does not compare to what rob managed). i might ad that during those six hours, which of us managed record numbers of bones, a record only lasting a few days before it was smashed, tho guess who wouldn't know because they were too embarassed to come fishing?

4. i will happily state and swear on any form or religious documentation you may choose, that i have never caught a bone where i did not cast the line, and that the same applies to trout. i will freely admit that there were a few tailor i caught when someone else cast for me but this was not on fly, i was six and it was my dad who cast the line for me.

[Ken Gargett]

just in case it was not clear, that would be -

1. not rob (modesty forbids...)

2. rob.

3. rob.

[Colt45]

» 'lord of the flies' is like 'brideshead revisited' compared to rob in

» cuba...

I actually pictured you, loincloth (not picturing too hard here), animal tooth

necklace, muddied face (still wearing glasses), spear in hand.

But, since you are staying at the National, and not in a mud hut, maybe I've got

it all wrong....

[Ken Gargett]

i have two brief nights at the nacional and then it is off to the jungle with rob.

i mean, how fair is this. i get rob and no pool.

[El Presidente]

Ever travelled with Ken? ....truly a memorable experience.

....picture Thurston Howl the 3rd meets Mr Bean.

The members of our tour (minus ken) have a meeting a month prior to departure to induct the newbies on what to expect. We also draw straws as to who will draw the short one and stay in the house containing Ken.

There are some key rules.

1. Never get between Ken and a Buffet. This is akin to getting between a Hippopotamus and her calf.

2. Don't rely on Ken's Spanish. By the time he puts a sentence together using his little red translation book.....the event is usually over or the plane has landed at its destination.

3. Yes...he always dresses like an unmade bed.

4. Don't rely on Ken's knowledge of Havana. Lest we forget him holding bar proclaiming the bar we were standing in....Monserat...being the best bar in Havana. We pointed out that the bar "Monserat" was across the road

5. Wear head protection if at an event where freebies are being handed out. Ken's use of elbows and teeth while fighting to reach the front of the que is legendary.

6. In dealing with Ken...in any situation...it will be your fault.

Looking forward to another funfilled and educational two weeks :-D

[Ken Gargett]

charming.

i have to nursemaid this bloke year after year and what do i get - this sort of uncalled for and hurtful attack. being the bigger man in every way, i just cover my ears and soldier on.

if, however, i was to bite, i might point out that i know for a fact that rob is a huge fan of mr bean and even modelled himself on the man.

We also draw straws as

» to who will draw the short one and stay in the house containing Ken. - I WOULD ALSO POINT OUT THAT I HAD MACHO ON THE PHONE EXPLAINING THAT HE WAS PLANNING ON STAYING AT THE NACIONAL UNTIL HE KNEW THAT HE DIDN'T HAVE TO SHARE WITH ROB.

»

» There are some key rules.

»

» 1. Never get between Ken and a Buffet. This is akin to getting between a

» Hippopotamus and her calf. THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF THIS WHATSOEVER OTHER THAN HIS WILD IMAGINATION.

»

» 2. Don't rely on Ken's Spanish. By the time he puts a sentence together

» using his little red translation book.....the event is usually over or the

» plane has landed at its destination. GRANTED THERE MAY BE SOME TRUTH IN THIS BUT PARDON ME FOR NOT BEING FLUENT IN ALL OTHER LANGUAGES. IT CAN HAVE ITS FUNNY SIDE. WHEN STAYING AT A CASA PARTICULARE ON ONE OCCASION, I TRIED TO ASK WHAT IT WAS THAT WE WERE EATING. THIS SOMEHOW GOT TRANSLATED AS WHAT WAS BARKING. WE HAD TO MOVE OUT OF THE CASA SHORTLY AFTER THOUGH THAT WASN'T COMPLETELY MY FAULT.

»

» 3. Yes...he always dresses like an unmade bed. DEAR POT, HAWAIIN SHIRTS AND MULLETS WENT OUT WHEN. TALK ABOUT THE POT SCREAMING NOIR... (note the command of foreign languages...)

»

» 4. Don't rely on Ken's knowledge of Havana. Lest we forget him holding bar

» proclaiming the bar we were standing in....Monserat...being the best bar in

» Havana. We pointed out that the bar "Monserat" was across the road IF YOUR ACHY BREAKY HAIRDO HAD NOT COVERED YOUR EARS, YOU WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD THAT I WAS SAYING THE BAR NEAR MONSERRAT.

»

» 5. Wear head protection if at an event where freebies are being handed

» out. Ken's use of elbows and teeth while fighting to reach the front of

» the que is legendary. REFER 1.

»

» 6. In dealing with Ken...in any situation...it will be your fault. IN YOUR CASE - TRUE!

»

» Looking forward to another funfilled and educational two weeks :- YOU MEAN ANOTHER TWO WEEKS OF UNPAID NURSEMAIDING.

[Jimmy2]

Man this **** is funny wish i could be there with you gents ..This dam embargo sucks!!!!

[smokum]

» Man this **** is funny wish i could be there with you gents ..This dam

» embargo sucks!!!!

Thurston Howell the III ??? .. You guys are whacked !!!